I would be interested to know the impression the first 13 lines make. And more specifically:

With which character did you identify? What were your feelings towards the two characters in this scene? What was your impression of the character who was mentioned, but not present?

Based on these first lines, what sort of novel are you expecting to read?

Critiques welcome.

Actuator Amelie DePerdue took the handkerchief that Sergeant Jules offered her. She winced as the starched cloth came into contact with the cuts on her face.
There had never been an Actuator in Jules's office before. Only one person in ten million was born with the ability to actuate.
"My husband tied me in a chair," DePerdue said. "Frank stuffed his handkerchief in my mouth so nobody could hear me scream."
Jules made a note of the red welts around DePerdue's slender wrists on his report.
"Then Frank hit me. Then he got out the knife."
Jules coughed. "I can see that, Madame," he said. "The prison doctor will see to your injuries and make an official assessment for legal purposes."

Pointing out that Jules has never had a Actuator in his office before, furthers my interest, and is nice way to lead into the fact there only one in ten million born, rather than just ramming a random fact down our throats we are able to absorb the information as if through MC eyes. Nice touch.

I agree its hard to draw any conclusions on DePerdue's character from this little snippet, though, and that maybe she would react a little more emotionally to recollecting such a harrowing experience - whether these were genuine emotions or not.
I can conclude she's obviously feeling a little sorry for her self from the content of her dialogue. But maybe it would serve better not to break that first line of dialogue up and write something like...
'My husband tied me to a chair and stuffed his handkerchief in my mouth to stop me screaming,' DePerdue said, fighting back another torrent of tears with a loud sniff.

Using a combination of action and dialogue would maybe serve better here to build a more clearer picture of the character and add an extra dimesion to the dialogue.

But thats maybe only a personal preference. Can't find really anything else worng with it.

[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 12, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 12, 2006).]

Honestly, I feel for Sgt. Jules. I don't think this will be an easy case for him (or whoever investigates it). It sounds like a cross between an old pulp detective story and a psychic thriller so far.

"Actuator Amelia DePurdue" is a mouthful. Drop the "Actuator" part. The third and fourth sentences give us this information well enough.

In any case, through the first 13 I identified with Amelie. She's the one suffering, both at present with the cuts on her face and, apparently, in the past. But the last line sheds some doubt on her victimhood.

I didn't get much of an impression of Jules at all. If I had to describe him, I would say he was cold or impassionate.

Regarding Frank--who I guess is her husband?--well, that's the first point, I guess. I wasn't sure. I think in normal speech that one would name the person once and then use pronouns after that. That she names Frank makes it seem like he was an accomplice of her husband. But in any case, until the twist in the last line I had no doubt that Frank was the villian.

The language seems quite baggy and passive. If Jules is the MC (at least in this chapter), let us see him first, and give the narration some more active verbs.

What's the relevanced of the 'cloth' being 'starched'? Can't you just have him offer her a 'clean' hankie?

Also, your sentences are all about the same length - there's no variation in rhythm, or punctuation. It's really quite flat and could quickly become monotonous, if you're not careful.

The dialogue isn't very engaging, or realistic, either (sorry). I doubt she would mention her husband's name so often. 'got out the knife' makes the reader wonder if he was pulling the knife out of her. Better to say 'pulled a knife' or 'brought the knife out', IMO.

Sorry to be so negative, but I would scrap this opening and try again, if I was you.

On the upside, I think once you get going it could be an interesting story. You've mentioned three characters and established conflict already, which is good and drives the reader forward, wanting to know more.

Below is the rewrite.

Now that I've committed to Jules for my POV, what impression do you have of DePerdue? Have I maintained the "mirror tilt" krazykiter noticed that I was going for? Are you still intrigued as a reader to know more about what an Actuator is? Other critiques welcome.

There had never been an Actuator in Sergeant Jules's office before. Only one person in ten million was born with the ability to actuate. While Jules filled in his report, he tried to watch DePerdue out of the corner of his eye. The miracle that allowed her to pilot the S Drive was not visible in her physical presence. Some of her frailness might have been the effect of the bruises and the scabbed knife wounds on her face. Jules wouldn't have believed an Actuator would be so small.
"Will my husband be jailed?" Amelie asked Jules.
Jules swallowed. "Spouse abuse carries a minimum six-year sentence in Senegal. If you wanted, you could also sue Dr. Campbell for the cost of your medical treatment- you will seek medical treatment, Actuator DePerdue?"

In the second version, Frank is just a schmuck who beats his wife.

quote:

---

Hey, krazykiter, I was on GEnie, too.

Has it really been that long? Six years doesn't "date" a person, does it?

---

Actually, I began on GEnie well over ten years ago (Probably closer to fifteen). B5 aired from 93-98, and Joe was on GEnie talking about the show for a number of years before that.

*THAT* is what dates a person--namely, me :-)