posted
I wrote this short story entitled "Avenging Angel" some time ago with the intention of continuing it, but never did after a movie-to-remain-unnamed came out with an uncomfortably similar storyline. I actually despaired for a few days before realizing that although it is a somewhat unique subject, no one has a monopoly on it and mine was still a different take.
After reading through the first 13 lines of the story I realize that the second 13 lines would be better to post. Hopefully they will get some of you curious to know what "it" is.
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When Gabriel woke again the pain in his head had subsided only slightly. He pulled the blanket from over his head and staggered into the motel bathroom, where he splashed cold water onto his face and stood looking at himself in the mirror. The memories were fresh in his mind, from the night before. He could see the young girl’s face in his mind’s eye, and hear her screams. What was her name? Diane. Diane Lawler. His stomach felt queasy and began to swirl but he closed his mouth and held it down. He did not like to vomit. Gabriel spent the remainder of the morning enjoying a hot shower and a slow, leisurely breakfast, until he began to feel better.
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So, any good? Does it make anyone want to read on? Fire away!
posted
Just a quick note: If by 'it' you mean some 'thing' that the MC knows the identity of and you are going to withhold that information from the reader, I think that is a mistake.
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posted
I liked it. I think that it had a very good hook.
My only problem is with the last line. I personally don't think it fits--it seems to me like a jarring change from the tone. I can't quite figure out what is different about it but it just feels unnatural.
posted
I have to agree, the last line doesn't feel right in there. The air of mystery that you seem to be aiming for starts to get a grip but then that line breaks it.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Sorry, the last line was just the last of what I could fit in the 13 lines, and it actually is the start of a new paragraph. For hoptoad, what I meant by "it" was the subject of the story (sorry if I wasn't too clear on that), but whatever the MC knows comes out in the sequence of the story.
I appreciate all your comments. The story itself is only 6 pages in Word, would anyone like me to send them a copy to read? How does that part work?
posted
1) If the "second 13" is the better place to start, then why not start there? I don't know what you had in the first 13, but you might as well cut them. You don't need them.
2) Since it sounds to me like he murdered this girl--that is, you've given us that information by way of POV, even if only superficially--I'm willing to let you by on not giving us a deeper look into his mind at the moment. Or let me put it this way: I'm assuming he does this thing as a regular practice, even if thinking about it almost does make him vomit. If that's the case, then this is just one more--he remembers her name, her face, doesn't want to think about it. Fine, I can handle that. BUT if this is the first one, then it's going to be overwhelming his thoughts, and you can't legitimately have us in his POV without being more explicit. OR if, in fact, he hasn't done any such thing, you're just hinting that it has, then you're hiding information inappropriately. In either of the last two cases, I'd be pretty ticked off.
posted
At the risk of being repetitive, that last line has to go. It works up until that point. We see a character distressed (for whatever reason) over his encounter with a girl suddenly taking a long shower and having a leisurely breakfast. The feelings of regret or remorse that have been building up for a paragraph suddenly vanish. Unless Gabriel is a complete nutcase, people don't work that way. "The wicked man flees though no one pursues."
We really need to see Gabriel's actions and how they help him pull out of his emotional distress.
posted
The opening lines (before the last) do a good job of establishing the reader in the MC's POV.
I agree with rickfisher that the emotional impact of having committed murder on the MC seems too small. I think a much stronger hook could be created if the MC were more upset.
Calling your MC Gabriel in a story titled "Avenging Angel" pretty much gives your plot away. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Just don't expect to surprise the reader or draw out the suspense of Gabriel's role- because that would let down the reader since it was obvious from the start.
A few stylistic notes:
1) Watch out for the "heavy" use of prepositions, most specifically "from over his head" and even "onto his face". See how these phrases work minus one preposition.
2)"The memories were fresh in his mind, from the night before."
Could be more clearly written in a different order:
The memories from the night before were fresh in his mind.
3) The last line draws such uniform and vehement uneasiness from your critiquers because of the sudden fast-forward in time. Just when the reader has entered into the MC's POV, they get jerked out and asked to skim ahead. Unsettling. I think this problem will remain even if we were to read the rest of the opening. You could simply do a scene break, or look for a less startling transition.
As for the hook- I must admit that the name Gabriel, in combination with the title, sort of summed up the plot for me, and so the opening was not a strong pull for me to continue reading. This could be solved either by changing the MC's name, changing the title, or by choosing a more emotional and gripping place to start the story- or maybe you can think of yet another neat solution.
Again, nice job establishing the MC's POV. You did such a good job that your last line created waves!
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