posted
I've already gotten a lot of help just by reading the comments of several other posters. Now, I would like to submit the first 13 lines of the prologue of my story. Please let me know if 1) it is intriguing 2) clear or confusing 3) tried and old.
Thanks,
“Mr. Cain, what news?” demanded a tall, slender elderly man in long, flowing white robes as he appeared from out of the heavy, grey mist riding a smoky-white colored mare. The other, Mr. Cain, startled by the voice and appearance of the elderly man suddenly pulled back on the reins of his chestnut dappled horse. The beast reared up and spun around two or three times thrashing its head to and fro whinnying sharply, while the rider struggled to control it. “Master,“ he breathed once he realized whom it was that stood before him. “I’m afraid what I’ve to tell you, you ain’t wantin’ to hear, Master Maximus," continued Mr. Cain. Maximus noted his companion peered apprehensively from beneath the
posted
First of all, don't worry about it being old. It's what YOU do with the plot that makes the difference.
Intriguing, yes, but it needs to be a little tighter. Describe Maximus first, then have him address Cain. TO wit:
The tall, slender man in flowing white robes rode out of the heavy mist on a smoky-white mare.
"Mr. Cain, what news?"
Etc., etc.
I think your description of Cain's actions and those of his horse tell us quite well they are startled by Maximus' appearance. Isn't necessary to tell us as well.
I would also tighten the POV to Mr. Cain exclusively (it pops over to Maximus at the end) assuming he's the main character and not Maximus.
posted
What I’m seeing here – my opinion, mind you – is too much description in the wrong place. You can start with the disembodied voice and Cain’s reaction then go on to paint in the situation a little more. Like this –
“Mr. Cain, what news?” Cain, startled , pulled back on the reins of his horse. “Master Maximus,“ he said, “I’m afraid what I’ve to tell you, you ain’t wantin’ to hear.”
The tall, shadowy figure in robes.....
Why are you going into detail about the horse rebelling and all? How is this of importance here? Couldn’t he just be startled at the sudden appearance of a figure in flowing robes riding out of the grey mist --? Then get into the story? Go on to their conversation which is rife with clues to their relationship and the situation and all?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 23, 2006).]
posted
I had to re-read this fragment several times to make sure I understood who was speaking. I'm guessing it's because of the way you've presented the information so far.
I would recommend putting the description of the man talking before the dialogue. It'll shorten the tag and push the dialogue together so that it's easier to follow what's being said as well as who's saying it.
I agree that the first sentence of the second paragraph needs to be trimmed of its redundancies.
I would also take out most, if not all, of the horse's reaction -- which, by the way, I thought was being performed by the Master's mare when I first read it. Unless there's a reason that's integral to the plot, I would reduce or cut out the second sentence in the second paragraph.
Finally, I would do something to join the two bits of Mr. Cain's dialogue. Because the second paragraph ended with Mr. Cain nearly speechless, I assumed the next bit of dialogue belonged to Master Maximus. It took me a bit to realize that Mr. Cain had somehow gotten his voice back.
posted
Wow! I thank you all for your comments and I can definitely see the weak areas after reading your posts.
Yes, I agree the dialogue is separated too much and is confusing to follow...btw my wife said the same thing!!
I've enjoyed the description of what Cain's horse did, but I do see how it gets in the way and seems a bit extraneous. It will be hard to delete that sentence because I have such a vivid picture of what is happening in my mind, but I guess it doesn't come out that well on "paper".
Again, thank you all. Maybe I will post my results once I "clean it up."
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