posted
I'm not hooked. I don't know his name and I don't know what's going on. Judging by the last sentence, something happened at the club, so that's where you should start the story.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
This is not working, for several reasons that Ray has already pointed out.
-I don't know what is going on. As Ray said, the most interesting part may be the night before Halloween. It could also be the part before he faints. -second, for most of the story I have no idea of what's happening. I don't know whether this is speculative, but if it is, it's dangerous to use metaphors like "he had no physical form as far as he could tell". It could, after all, be true. Why does he feel crushed on all sides? -name the character. It helps me give him an identity. -four, and this is more a nit: "he lay there for hours" is a POV violation. He cannot know he has lain there for hours; he is unconcious during that time.
Yes, this is speculative fiction. You're right about the opening, my sister pointed this out to me too. I need to start at the club scene and that will work better. I will be revising this today. Thanks.
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