posted
Please give me honest feedback. This is the first one I wrote, it's over 900 pages and no one(Friends and family) understand it enough to get past the first 50 pages.
Zalen squatted down in his field on the outskirts of Gauna and dug his fingers into the dry and dusty clay. How long had it been since the rain fell softly enough to nourish the crops? His wife had been gone all these turnings of the earth, leaving him alone with nothing but his animals and his daughter for comfort and peace. He longed for a mate. The only way to accomplish this was to ask the Essences to make it rain for the crops to grow. Zalen stood up and shook his head. No. I cannot ask for that.
On the wind, Seth touched the land and paused for a moment. He felt the desperation of a Gaunan. A desperation that he had not heard since ages past. There was a strength and determination in this desperation that could only be answered by him and his peoples. This was the in he needed to take what he had always wanted—Flesh.
posted
You've got some nice imagery going, but the second paragraph totally lost me, especially the last two sentences.
I was just getting to know Zalen and his situation, then WHAMMO, here comes Seth. Iwent from being hooked to being confused.
If you're deliberately switching viewpoints (assuming parallel storylines that eventually converge), give us a little something to help orient us in time and place. "On the wind," is too vague for the abruptness of the transition. Are Seth and Zalen near each other? far apart? on different planets? Was Seth flying and landed momentarily?
posted
The second paragraph comes out of no where once I've started to picture Zalen and exactly what he is going through. Perhaps it would be better to finish off Zalen's introduction and what he is doing then move to Seth's point of view with a clear separation ( like with a line or beginning a new chapter ).
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posted
It is very important to introduce them both at the same time, because it was Zalen's fleeting thought that gave Seth(pure Essence, a sentient being controlling the Elements with no corporeal state) the idea to take flesh. What would be an easier transition there?
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posted
Some of the things that confuse me are: " He longed for a mate. The only way to accomplish this was to ask the Essences to make it rain for the crops to grow." How is praying for rain going to get him a mate?
"On the wind, Seth touched the land..." Is he in the air, or on the land? Is he flying? Or is he a spirit? If so, what kind? What is he doing there? Where did he come from? Does he see the dry land around him? How does he feel about it? Does he care about the land? We need to know a little about Seth before we can have him doing things like "touching the ground", which I assume is meant telepathically.
"This was the in he needed to take what he had always wanted—Flesh." I thought this was a typo when I read it the first and second time through. Slang like 'in' is fine in modern spoken language, because we can here the inflection of the voice indicating it as being a noun. In written language, we need help with that. If you really want to use slang, make sure that we know that it is slang by means of emphasis -- italics, bold, or "quotations".
That being said, what is the "in" that Seth is thinking about? Will this grant him favors with some malevolent demon boss, or is he just going to possess Zalen's body and use it to commit some other evils?
Your plot and ideas sound like they will be fantastic and very enjoyable -- it just needs some re-tooling and polishing. I hope my nit-picks are helpful.
[This message has been edited by deRost (edited January 28, 2006).]
posted
Why can't Zalen ask for the rain? The crops need rain, and I'm assuming he needs the crops to eat. Plus, the first paragraph hints that the rain will allow him to get a mate (presumably through some ritual or ceremony), which he also wants. SO why not ask? The cost is unclear and thus the MC seems to be acting irrationally.
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posted
Carlene, the MC is acting irrationally. That's kind of the point. Be careful what you ask for it just might happen, but in a way that destroys something else. I do like the feedback. Thanks. Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
What everyone else said, plus: even if MC is acting irrationally, he's got some reason. Even if he's wrong, I want to know why *he* thinks he mustn't pray for rain.
About the transition, 2 suggestions:
* Stay with Zalen longer before Seth. I want to get to know Zalen; he and his plight are interesting. (This will also give Seth more reason to show up.)
Paragraph 2 confused me; I didn't get until you explained it in a post that Seth was a spirit sensing thought. You explained it well; you could to that in your story, too:
#
Zalen's fleeting thought gave Seth (pure Essence, a sentient being controlling the Elements with no corporeal state) the idea to take flesh. Seth felt in Zalen a desperation that he had not ...
Zalen squatted down in his field on the outskirts of Gauna and dug his fingers into the dry and dusty clay. How long had it been since the rain fell softly enough to nourish the crops? His wife had been gone all these turnings of the earth, leaving him alone with nothing but his animals and his daughter for comfort and peace. He longed for a mate. The only way to accomplish this was to ask the Essences to make it rain for the crops to grow. Zalen stood up and shook his head letting the soil fall loosely through his fingers. No. I cannot ask for that. A light wind blew softly across the field taking dust and the small grains that held Zalen’s small wish upon them. He move up from behind the plow and walked up beside his grey dappled pony.
“Misty, baby. It’s all right.” He said sticking his hand under
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 28, 2006).]
I like this a lot. Specifically, I like the way you have quickly conveyed the idea that the protagonist uses thought processes that are entirely different from our own. Also, I like the way you tied the elements of crops, rain and some higher authority (a god? a ruler?) to these, and also to the ability of the protagonist to find or be allowed to have a mate. And at the very end of the 13 lines you relate this to *Flesh.* Wow. I am hooked.
There are some things that do not work for me. This phrase was the most difficult: "A desperation he had not heard since ages past." I am guessing that he heard this in the *wind* that starts the second line, but I am only guessing. Somehow, the wind and the desperation do not seem well related to each other and they are not well integrated into the preceding thought. I do very much get the impression that you are trying to demonstrate that the thought processes of people in this culture are completely different from ours, and that is intriguing and appealing. I have the impression that this *desperation* is something that he is sensing in some way perhaps not available to 21st century humans, and this is all the more intriguing with phrases like "turnings of the earth" rather than "years" thrown in. You are conveying the idea of a culture that is in some ways primitive but in some ways more advanced than our own. Fascinating.
What is this desperation? Is there some way to rework the second line so that we have some glimmer of understanding of the nature of the desperation, or the origin of the desperation? It needs to be better connected to the other elements of the intro, IMHO.
quote:It is very important to introduce them both at the same time, because it was Zalen's fleeting thought that gave Seth(pure Essence, a sentient being controlling the Elements with no corporeal state) the idea to take flesh. What would be an easier transition there?
I wonder, Susannaj4, how it would be if you were to start with Seth getting the idea to become flesh from Zalen's thoughts.
Maybe have Seth swirling around out there, become curious about Zalen's longing and "read" Zalen's thoughts, which gives Seth the "interesting" idea of becoming flesh after which Seth decides to do it.
posted
lol. I'm sorry, that's not funny. I have been writing this very story for a year now. The original version, which I still have, starts with Seth, it was as far as I remember, told from just Seth's Point of View. I didn't have anyone willing to read it that could understand the idea. Over this one little story I have been told that my writing is juvenile and that my target audience would not be able to handle it. I have also been told that I'd make a better poet. So it is kind of strange to read that you might prefer a beginning closer to the original, the way I thought it might work to begin with. Does any of that make sense? It's early. My thoughts are muddled.
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posted
Well, it's a way of using OSC's "the first paragraph is free" thing.
After all, you are the writer and you should trust your instincts. It may be that what people had problems with was understanding who/what Seth is, and not the fact that you started with him/it. If you can make Seth clear in that first paragraph, you can go on to Zalen's point of view because you have shown the reader what is actually happening to him (instead of telling).
posted
This was my original, and I gave up on it after a while and went in a different direction.
Seth stood naked on the ground touching the thin blades of grass that was waist high, letting it flow around him while the wind blew. The sensation sent ripples from his fingertips down his spine. The sky was a wash of color, as the sun had just gone down over the great mountain in the distance. He stared down at himself, taking note of the color of his skin, bronze and glistening with sweat from the summer heat. He glanced up again, looking for his target, a little house with smoke pouring from the chimney in the roof. He had taken care not to acquire flesh in the middle of the village, but found this little dwelling on the outskirts of town. He had watched these people go on about their daily lives for some time now before joining them in their world. He had chosen a man that he had seen only in his passing through the winds and thought that this witch would be less afraid of his presence. Being an Essence felt much different then the sensations that were now waving through him. His bare feet tingled at the feeling of the grass and soil between his toes. For many turns of the earth had he watched over these people, seen them grow, change, protect the land.
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 30, 2006).]
posted
Well, it's a good introduction of Seth, but it doesn't really explain his nature until well after the 13 lines (it's much longer than 13 lines), and it definitely doesn't explain why he decided to "acquire flesh," which I think is crucial.
I'd recommend that you keep the first two sentences, but move the stuff from "The sky was a wash of color... " to "... this witch would be less afraid of his presence." to some other place in the story.
quote:Seth stood naked on the ground touching the thin blades of grass that was waist high, letting it flow around him while the wind blew. The sensation sent ripples from his fingertips down his spine. Being an Essence felt much different then the sensations that were now waving through him. *** For many turns of the earth had he watched over these people, seen them grow, change, protect the land.
Put something in there either where I have the ***, or at the end of the above quote, that says he has acquired flesh and WHY. If you want to say it's because of a plea from the man he is looking for, you can, but you don't have to. (If you don't mention Zalen, then that would make this paragraph a sort of mini-prologue.)
Then go back to Zalen, and maybe say something about his having prayed and the prayer wasn't answered, to connect him with Seth. And off you go.
posted
You mean what I posted was more than thirteen lines? I went by changing the font to courier and it's what would appear on the first page. I double space.
Second of all, the point of telling about what he sees, hears, touches, is because he's never had flesh. That's the reason he acquired flesh. He misinterpreted, on purpose, Zalen's request. Why do I have to say it in 13 lines or less? It was just pointed out to me in another post about a book not being judged by just it's first paragraph.
quote:Zalen squatted down in his field on the outskirts of Gauna and dug his fingers into the dry and dusty clay. How long had it been since the rain fell softly enough to nourish the crops? His wife had been gone all these turnings of the earth...
because I'm a bit dim, wondered "if turnings of the earth" was something to do with ploughing. How about "turnings of the Earth"?
Phil
[This message has been edited by pdm_joker (edited January 30, 2006).]
posted
Corky has a point. This isn't about judging your work by the first 13 lines, it's about tightening your narrative to help it flow better.
Your narrative bounces back and forth a bit from describing Seth's newfound sensations to his purpose for hanging around this land then back to his sensations and finally back to his purpose at the end.
Let us hear why 1)he's been hanging around in some indistinct form and 2)why he decided to acquire flesh first - these are more important to your plot. While he is traveling to his target you can let us see how the sensations he is feeling are affecting him. These sensations will be new to Seth for some time, so you don't have to rush it.
All that said, your story is much more engaging focusing on Seth's viewpoint at first. I don't think you need a rewrite so much as a rearranging of what you've already got.
posted
Susannah, not to muddy the water for you, but I prefered the edited version of your first post. By starting with Zalen and his human (or human-like) longings and desires, you give the reader something to relate to emotionally before moving on to Seth's more ethereal-turned-organic existence. My suggestion would be to use that edited version and continue by enhancing the discription of Seth in the POV change so that his initial existence as a spirit or "essence" is more easily grasped by the reader.
Based on that brief snippet of your work, I think you have a real talent for crafting compelling imagery and making the reader care about your MC.
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I hope my nit-picks are helpful.
