posted
I appreciate the help I've received from everyone. This is the last post for this opening. Is this better?
St. Louis, Missouri the night before Halloween. Ice cold by anyone’s standards. Normally, Tony Linquito would have been drinking a shot of whiskey at the bar, but Nino Romero, leader of the notorious Palermo gang had just hired him. This was his first night at the Flamenco Club. A very important night.
Cold made Tony uncomfortable. It aggravated his old knee injury. Long hours from playing soccer in high school had damaged it. He was muscular as an athlete and almost as confident as one in his demeanor.
“I hope this isn’t a false alarm, Frankie,” he said, his voice a bit cocky and clipped. “I heard you put too much security on the floor last week.”
posted
This is a mob story. That line: "He was muscular as an athlete and he was almost as confident as one in his demeanor." I guess I'm trying to say he was a pretty confident kind of guy (like athletes usually are when they compete). Also trying to give a clue about his appearance without coming out and telling it. If this didn't work I can change it.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I hate to say this, but I liked your second post better. I know some people do not like to open with dialogue, however I think it can be very effective and leads into the action more quickly. I hesitate to start with descriptions of people...you can get to that a few lines later.
These are my opinions take them if they are helpful.
posted
I pretty much like the first paragraph. It has a good “feel” to it for me.
The second paragraph – to my mind – doesn’t fit in at all. Is it cold in the bar? What triggered this subject? And, yeah, I know you’re trying to describe the pov without being obvious, but it is awkward and it just doesn’t work, for me. It doesn’t seem to follow that first paragraph.
I think you might want to tell us who he is addressing there in the third paragraph. “…he said to the bartender” Leave out the cocky and clipped. Let his own words convey the impression.
Scrap the whole second paragraph, or put it somewhere else. You do not have to describe Tony’s knee right here. Have him limp, or catch on it when he next moves. But here it is an intrusion. In my opinion.
posted
It's hard to follow, but that's easily fixed.
"Ice-cold" for "Ice cold." I initially read this as parallel with the previous sentence. St. Louis is on the night before Halloween; ice is cold by anyone's standards. Well, of course ice is cold! The - makes it clear this is a description of night.
"the notorious Palermo gang had just hired him": a comma makes it clear that Romero did the hiring and Palermo gang is his membership.
"This was his first night": whose? Tony's, or Romero's?
I didn't have any trouble understanding the athlete comment, but it did make it clear that we aren't in Tony's POV. (He's not going to be sitting in a bar thinking about how he's nearly muscular as an athlete.) But whose POV are we in? There's no one else around.
With those clarifications, we still have one other important problem, also easily fixed: Tony knows why it's "a very important night," but we don't. Tell us!
St. Louis, Missouri[,] the night before Halloween. Ice[-]cold by anyone’s standards. Normally, Tony Linquito would have been drinking a shot of whiskey at the bar, but Nino Romero, leader of the notorious Palermo gang[,] had just hired him. This was [Tony's] first night at the Flamenco Club. A very important night.
posted
I think I see what needs to be done now. I give a short description to orient the reader and then go right into the dialogue and action. Thanks for all the help!
Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
This just doesn't grab me and make me want to keep reading. It just seems like a very bland situation. I like a story that starts out with something exciting or very interesting actually happening. Hope this helps.
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posted
The first paragraph grabbed my attention, but the second one fell flat. It tells way too much to the reader, none of it he particularly cares about at the present time. I'm interested in why he's there, not about an old soccer injury.
The last paragraph takes the first and runs with it, which is good. I would take the second one out completely.
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