posted
I'm feeling brave tonight so here is 13 lines(that fit into the message box exactly) and though not the actual first page it is the beginning of the story - will it be enough to entice you to read on?
As ever of late the old Planic took the opportunity to unburden himself of his carriage, his Legacy. Shakily he opened the yellow phial and poured the contents thereof down his throat then made himself as comfortable as he could be on the bare ground with his old joints still protesting at the exertions he had undertaken that day. While he waited for the benefits of the medicine to take effect he resumed his watch on the Illiu cave that he’d been searching for this past turn. He knew that by the time the medicine had took effect, and he had no choice but to, it would be night and he would have to approach the cave and its occupants then. Waiting for tomorrow held no attraction given the state of his old limbs; he definitely preferred the shelter and warmth of the Illiu’s cave
I am interested in the set-up but found the language too fiddly.
I was a little unsure what was happening at the beginning. Is Planic a name or a title of some kind?
The first line doesn't seem to make sense as is, perhaps with a little more information on what you mean by 'carriage, and 'Legacy'.
Does he actually get out of an inherited carriage or is it some kind of back-pack he is carrying?
I think I understand why you are shooting for evocative language, trying to imbue the work with an 'otherworldly' feel, but I think the language could be simplified so as not to risk clarity.
This is a hamfisted rework, I hope that doesn't bother you, but it demonstrates what i mean about being clear:
Old Planic unshouldered his pack -- his Legacy. He withdrew a yellow phial and poured its contents down his throat then sat on the bare ground to await it's effect.
posted
What hoptoad said, plus: as soon as MC tells us of his plans to approach the cave, I want to know why. No reason not to.
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posted
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Yes, I am trying to keep the style 'otherworldy' and the English can seem stilted...but I like it. Someone will have to twist my arm hard to persuade me to change it A Planic is a Mage or Wizard. His carriage is a kind of holdall where he keeps his Journal, books, maps and personal stuff. His Legacy, a burden he carries throughout his life. Why is he approaching the Illiu cave? Well further into the next few pages it becomes clear but we only have 13 lines... Now would you read on? Thanks Again for the feedback. Best Wishes John Mc...
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posted
I liked it. I read it yesterday and got interrupted before I could respond. It drew me in and painted me a picture. I like the wording as well.
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quote:Yes, I am trying to keep the style 'otherworldy' and the English can seem stilted...but I like it. Someone will have to twist my arm hard to persuade me to change it
It's perfectly OK to use such "stilted" language to change the feel of your story (frankly, you've done a better job than most writers I've seen), but I feel like I'm falling off the stilts at a couple points in the narrative. If your style, regardless of what it is, gets in the way of your readers' comprehension and understanding, you've got a problem. Style is something that should be seen, but not *noticed*.
I'm not saying just drop the style. It lends a rich, ornate quality. You've just got to work extra hard at ensuring your readers can clearly understand what's going on. It's a balancing act.
posted
Agreed. There's stylish, and there's just clumsy, and there are times this veers too close to the latter for my personal liking (and I'm known for my predilection for long sentences). I think it's probbaly the lack of commas. You might want to slip a few in, to make it clearer ("Shakily, he opened the yellow phial and poured the contents down his throat, then made himself as comfortable as he could...").
Introducing too many odd ideas in the first paragraph without explaining them is risky, and tends to work better in SF (particularly cyberpunk) than in fantasy. Certainly, not knowing what a Planic is, or an Illiu, doesn't help, and the idea of someone carrying a carraige really doesn't work for me, so you may want to think about choosing another word for that.
As it stands, I don't think I'd read on - the combination of the syntax and the lack of explanation of Planic, Illiu, Legacy etc just feels a bit too like wading through mud.
posted
"A Planic is a Mage or Wizard. His carriage is a kind of holdall where he keeps his Journal, books, maps and personal stuff. His Legacy, a burden he carries throughout his life. Why is he approaching the Illiu cave?"
I wasn't compelled because I had no idea what any of that stuff meant. Rather than just throw out words that readers won't know, introduce them. Also, how is a 'holdall' a legacy? Why is it captialized? Clear up that stuff by intertwining it into the story, and I think it'd be very good.
posted
The main reason I can't answer the questions posed is lack of space (13 lines)... The prologue would have cleared some of them up, but this is the beginning... You have all given me a lot to think about, thanks for your time and input Best Wishes John Mc... Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote: Someone will have to twist my arm hard to persuade me to change it.
Good. No one should feel as though they have to take every whiff of advice that floats their way unless they see its value AND it fits.
As to your question, I WOULD read on, but with trepidation. The story may very well be great but I would be worried about the telling. Right now the language seems more like an affectation than a style. As a reader I would worry that it may mask the writer's lack of confidence in the story itself. In my opinion, that is not a good way to start a relationship with a reader.
HOWEVER, I do want to compliment you on your names, and the hook. Planic (in my mind it is pronounced Planich) and Illiu (Eeliyu) sound great and in a strangely consistent way, almost Slavic.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited February 16, 2006).]
posted
Hello Hoptoad, With the style I use in the story I wanted to convey a sense of otherworldlyness(!) and a sense of period(ancient)to set the mood... Its not a great story (its been rejected twice) its my story, being an old Englishman (with a young heart) is probably my undoing Comparing it with the language used nowadays I can see how it would come across as 'old-fashioned'...I can't re-write it in a modern idiom, no way...stuck-in-the-mud... Think I'll go back to the other story I'm writing and let this baby sleep awhile, if I wait long enough it might come into fashion Best Wishes John Mc...
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