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Ha! My first ever attempt to post anything on here (barrring saying "hello", so don't be too rough. I think I have managed to get the correct of amount of lines on here....but having just posted it below I notice there is suddenly a lot more of it...help! I will count 13 lines and delete the rest then.
First draft of novel of which I am 21,000 words into - probably a YA novel, urban fantasy, with a dash of paranormal. And remember, I'm from the UK so my language might not always correspond with yours!
****** Megan spilled out of bed in an untidy bundle of pyjamas and a mess of hair. She could hear her mother banging pots around in the kitchen and groaned. If Kate decided that they were going to have a cooked breakfast it invariably meant A Talk. As she passed by her hi-fi she hit the on button and loud rock music from the Capital’s favourite radio station drowned out the sound of her mother making breakfast. The Talk would no doubt be about the detention note she brought home the day before. And about her daydreaming in class, in fact, falling asleep in class! And about her artwork worrying the art teacher. And the list of misdemeanours was growing. Mentally preparing herself for the confrontation Megan had a quick shower and hurriedly dressed in her school uniform. She examined her wet hair ****
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I liked the start of the day feel you conjured up. Megan is preparing/dreading her confrontation and you describe this well. I would have cut this into two paragraphs, and maybe italics for 'A Talk'... Otherwise it works, well done! Best Wishes John Mc... Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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I love it. My only suggestions are little wording suggestions
"She could hear her mother banging pots around in the kitchen and groaned." ->
"She heard her mother banging pots around in the kitchen and groaned."
which means, essentially, way cool. First you hooked me with metaphor (spilling out of bed), then attitude, and then I wanted to know about that artwork.
Maybe I'm just too old for the genre you're aiming at, but a bratty kid about to be lectured by her mom after gettng in trouble at school again just doesn't interest me.
I'm assuming her daydreams and artwork have something to do with the "paranormal" part, which could be interesting, but as written the connection is too subtle.
Try getting into Megan's head a little deeper, maybe giving us some hints about the weird things that are going on before setting up the confrontation with mom. Just an idea.
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It strikes me as perfectly competent, but I'm not hooked. Given that this is a novel, I don't necessarily need to be hooked by the first 13 (I'll probably have been intrigued by the cover and the back copy), but remember that much of what we're doing here is about hooking an editor, rather than the final reader. My guess is that the art, rather than the daydreaming, may be the important thing as the plot builds, but that's just a wild guess; if it is, maybe play it up a little more?
One technical note; "you don't need to capitalise "Capital". "Capital" is a radio station, but "the capital's favourite radio station" is generic (and, last I heard, wasn't Capital any more, but Heart FM or something)
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Not bad at all. Competently written. Definitely comes across as YA, mostly due to the age of the character and her initial problem.
A couple of things:
First, I was instantly struck with the "beginning with a character waking up" issue. Unfairly at times, this can be used to discard a story (by an editor) before reading very far in. I admit that I, too, have reservations about beginning a story this way. It tends to start a story before the real action...instead of at the beginning of the story it starts at the beginning of the day on which the story takes place. This means to me (groan) that I have to read several pages or even chapters (in a novel0 before I get to the real story. This i, of course, simply how one reader view the world.
Second, while "The Talk" certainly is a problem, especially to teenagers (target audience), it doesn't feel at all like the main story problem. Especially given that this is a fantasy novel, I wonder if many readers, even young ones, might appreciate a bit more of a fantastic start. (For lack of a better way of putting it.) If that talk is going to lead directly to the fantasy part (I don't know...she gets mad at her mom and runs away to a fantasy kingdom), then I would start with The Talk itself. If it's just character introduction I, personally, would suggest skipping it and working in the character introductions as a part of the action.
Fantasy YA is popular right now...keeping working on this one, there's a market for it!
Thanks for this - will amend as suggested - was scribbling furiously on the train home this evening doing up a new opening scene and amending the lines I have currently on here. Will type it out this evening and see if I can post it later on.
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I think that this is very good. I'm glad it's a novel, because that means I can probably check back when I'm a bit more available.
I've never had a problem with starting a scene with a character waking up, because that is one of the appropriate ways to begin a scene (the problem is that many novice writers think it's the only way to begin a scene, so it gets overused). That said, you could easily start with her coming down for breakfast instead (making that the first moment she realized A Talk was in the works). It might be better than opening with too many prosaic details of getting ready.
Starting with The Talk and all the character defining issues that will be discussed is a good idea because it helps a YA audience relate to the character quickly and accurately. However, this Talk should lead us somewhere, bring up something unexpected (or important) that gets the story rolling.
Anyways, I'd like to read more, but not right now.
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