posted
I have been working on a scifi novel for sometime now, and realized there were a couple of background short stories I needed to flesh out. This thirteen lines starts one of them. Its three quarters done, (4000) , and while I know how it ends and where its going I am having trouble finishing. I am hoping that posting this here will get me going again. If anyone’s willing to read the rest of what I have done i'd be grateful…
I’m looking for honest critique. Sentence structure, names, hook, flow… ***** Sec Alpha was picking lettuce when he received the secure link request ping. “Droid tagged Com Gamma relays communications from Droid tagged Blue: ‘Jordon Petroleum has signed ownership of Rubidium Corporation to the twelve androids assigned to the Particle Research Laboratory.’ Droid tagged Com Gamma requests Droid tagged Sec Alpha establish direct secure link with appropriate.” _At last, a publication in my name._After initiating android location sub-routines, Sec Alpha further indulged himself with imaging the intrigue his authorship would create among invertebrate biologist - “Is it true? Is the anonymous Rubidium Corp Android – the one who authored all of those slug biology and behavior papers – really head of security for that ultra-secure facility in the Betularus Meteor Belt?”
posted
Well first off I think the 'tagged' should be dropped, even if it is a Droid the name is obvious if it reads Droid Com Gamma. Although the naming is a part of the story, and I know how hard it is to come up with 'names'! I think double-barreled names can spoil the flow for a reader, just my opinion. Because of what I mention above the scene does not make easy reading at all. I like the idea where Droids are the characters in a story - a Droid who imagines and who gets his work published! You have obviously worked hard on this and I think all you need for a more reader-friendly start is what I suggest. Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Ditto what Johnmac said. The idea is absolutely hysterical, and you should pursue it. Just don't let your unusual style confuse your readers. As I mentioned in another thread, style should be seen, but not noticed. Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I didn't get that MC was a droid (until reading others' comments).
The text was dense and hard for me to follow. It would work better with initial establishment of what Sec Alpha is, AND some of his thoughts; and less reference to things we don't know about yet and don't have to (Jordon Petroleum, etc.)
If this is humor, a very human android will work for me. If it isn't, I immediately question why Sec Alpha would be ambitious, secretive, etc. -- human emotions, and the designers could build them into a machine, but I'd want to know why they'd do that.
posted
Ditto the comments about the names. The names were so long that it made reading difficult. I was interested in the idea of a droid writing papers about slugs, though, so with a little tweaking I think you've got a promising start.
I'd be happy to read for you once it's finished; you can just email it to me when you're done.
posted
Since it isn't believable that the actual communications protocal used by the Droids would resemble English at all, you should just translate into real English.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I agree with previous comments. Also - "Betularus Meteor Belt" - Just what is a "meteor belt"? Did you mean asteroid belt? The story seems to start with the second paragraph - then details can be worked in. Interesting idea.
posted
Thanks for all the feed back, I have struggled over the names. It now seems pretty clear that I need to drop the “tagged” part. One thread in the story (actually introduced on line 14) is the androids realizing that they dislike their tag name, and how they go about picking new names for themselves - now that they own themselves.
It is pretty clear that the fact that they now are “self owned” (hence the ref to Jordan Petroleum) is not made clear enough, so I have tried to make that more clear – I hope the reworked dialogue will help.
It’s also clear that I did not manage to convey the fact that Sec Alpha had already published articles, but had done so anonymously –referred to as a “rubidium Corporation Android”. Now that he “self-owned” he is looking forward to taking credit for future articles.
I’m glad people thought it was funny, but to be honest, I am not writing tounge a cheek, so its not intending it to be “humorous” -- though I am hoping there are parts that will make some laugh (I just wasn’t expecting it so early).
I understand the point about “why emotions?” and explain why latter (though probably not nearly as well as it aught) in the text.
The reference to meteor rather then asteroid belt is so obvious I’m embarrassed. Thanks. I guess that’s why I'm here.
Getting this feedback has been very helpful. I’m looking forward to seeing what it does with the story. In the mean time a revised 13 lines…
***
Android Sec Alpha was picking lettuce when he received the secure link request ping from the head of communications, Com Gamma. “Blue just informed me Jordan Petroleum has signed ownership of Rubidium Corporation to the twelve of us running this place. Can you let the others know?” _At last, a publication in my own name._ Sec Alpha thought, as he initiated android location sub-routines. He indulged himself with imaging the intrigue his authorship would create among invertebrate biologist - “Is it true? Is the anonymous Rubidium Corp Android – the one who authored all of those slug biology and behavior papers – really head of security for that ultra-secure particle research facility in the Betularus asteroid belt?”
posted
Have to agree with Johnmac. For me, having a past-tense verb (tagged) embedded in a name which follows a noun (Droid) which may or may not be part of the name is cumbersome to me as a reader.
"Droid" may or may not also be redundant. I can't think of any examples in existing, modern technology (take computer networks) where one computer recognizes another on a network by preceding its designation with "computer". Instead, it's MAC addresses (00:0d:4a:7c:g4) or IP addresses (192.168.100.54) -- both of which can apply to any number of devices (computers, wireless cards, printers, etc.).
While I can see that it does help establish a distinct, original POV (definitely a worthy cause in itself), does this nomenclature add value to the narrative? For me as a reader, it does not. While I'm somewhat curious to see where this is going, I might not turn the page simply because it takes too much effort for me to read it.
LOVE the title. That alone would make me pick up the book off the shelf and read at least the marketing copy on the sleeve.
posted
What a difference Congratulations, I think you have it now, I would read this now. The original concept is what drew me in anyway... Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Send it over. I'll give it a read. I think it's premise with potential.
quote:I can't think of any examples in existing, modern technology (take computer networks) where one computer recognizes another on a network by preceding its designation with "computer". Instead, it's MAC addresses (00:0d:4a:7c:g4) or IP addresses (192.168.100.54)
Actually, it is possible using NetBIOS running over NetBEUI, but only for small networks where no routing is necessary (NetBEUI is not a routable protocol). Nowadays NetBIOS is typically run over TCP/IP, so the NetBIOS names get translated to IPs.
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