Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » SF - Like Something From A Twilight Zone....

   
Author Topic: SF - Like Something From A Twilight Zone....
Dave Andersson
New Member
Member # 3255

 - posted      Profile for Dave Andersson   Email Dave Andersson         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, I'd like some feedback on "Like Something From A Twilight Zone..." a post-nuclear war story, written to be distnctly Twilight Zone-esque. It won't make sense for a while, but if I can post more and more of my story here, you can all see what's going on. Well, if anyone can give me feedback on the very beginning, I'd appreciate it! Thanks!

Like Something From A Twilight Zone...


“Captain Benteen!” A voice shot across the broad, dusty parade ground.
A gangly figure loped across the warm asphalt, and skidded to a halt just within the shadow of a large steel and concrete bunker. A figure leaning against the wall beckoned quickly to the man.
“You wanted to see me, sir?” The tall man asked breathlessly.
“Yes. Got a new mission for you. I would have called you inside, but the air conditioner’s toast. It’s too glowin’ hot for chit chat, so I’ll get straight to the point. There’s a village about a hundred miles southwest of here; messenger just came from there this morning....


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wbriggs
Member
Member # 2267

 - posted      Profile for wbriggs   Email wbriggs         Edit/Delete Post 
Whose POV is this in? Let us know quickly, I think. "Figure" and "the man" won't interest me, but a particular person and his struggle will.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dave Andersson
New Member
Member # 3255

 - posted      Profile for Dave Andersson   Email Dave Andersson         Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, if I were allowed to post double this line count, the story would make a little more sense. If anyone wants to read the whole thing, and give me better feedback, that'd be cool.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
x__sockeh__x
Member
Member # 3069

 - posted      Profile for x__sockeh__x   Email x__sockeh__x         Edit/Delete Post 
I'll read it and save first 13 comments for the full crit.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
arriki
Member
Member # 3079

 - posted      Profile for arriki   Email arriki         Edit/Delete Post 

One thing that is really confusing is that you call Benteen a “figure” and then refer to a second person leaning against the wall also as a “figure.” At least, that’s how I read it.

Then there are the “man” and the “tall man” in two consecutive sentences.

Names, please, use names so we can figure out how many people are actually involved here.


Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wbriggs
Member
Member # 2267

 - posted      Profile for wbriggs   Email wbriggs         Edit/Delete Post 
Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html


Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dave Andersson
New Member
Member # 3255

 - posted      Profile for Dave Andersson   Email Dave Andersson         Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah... I found a couple other details I need to change as well... I'll repost this, in a revised version very shortly...
Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2