posted
This is a story I've just started writing. It's a modern Babel story, but instead of confused languages the result is confused cultures. My 13 lines are from the intro, which is supposed to sound a little like the Biblical version. I don't have much written yet, so right now I'm just trying to find out what you think so far.
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It is one of the evils of mankind to believe that nothing should be impossible to our race. Our deepest desire is to be like God. Our greatest folly is to mistake that desire for the desire to be gods ourselves. And what is a god but one to whom nothing is impossible?
They said to themselves, “Look around at all the works of our hands. We have brought mountains low to bow before us. We have conquered the depths of the sea and the expanse of the earth. We have flown amongst the stars and brought the heavens within our reach. Let us now become masters even of the smallest particles that we may be as God with the power to create and destroy.”
Then they set about to learn the secrets of creation.
And God said, “Shall I allow them full understanding...
posted
I might like the premise. I'm put off by the philosophizing in paragraph 1, because I don't agree with it, and the narrator is stating it as fact. That is, my deepest desire is not to be Godlike! And I don't think "god" is defined as someone for whom nothing is impossible.
Your narrator isn't invisible, and I find him intrusive and preachy. I think you could get around this by having the narrator get right to the story.
It would also be useful to pick an individual character. I can relate to a he or a she, but they is a big stretch.
The introduction is supposed to be taken from a text written many many years later. It's pretty short. The actual story picks up with real characters that live about 40 or so years after the "Day of Babel."
What I was going for was a way to explain all about the Babel type scenario in a broad overview since my characters live several years after it happens.
In that case, should I just go with my own voice to explain what happens or should I try to change the "future text" that it comes from?
It may be that you explain this philosophy in a much more indirect and less preachy way in the story and its really not needed here. That is a rather strong statement to make at the beginning of the story regardless of who wrote it. Perhaps it would be a nice conclusion after you've shown us why its true through the story (at least then, you've shown us evidence). Perhaps you don't really need this introduction then. If its a Tower Of Babel story, you could probrably just start into the story then come to this conclusion at the end.
Then mankind became greedy in its desire for knowledge.
They said to themselves, “Look around at all the works of our hands. We have brought mountains low to bow before us. We have conquered the depths of the sea and the expanse of the earth. We have flown amongst the stars and brought the heavens within our reach. Let us now become masters even of the smallest particles that we may be as God with the power to create and destroy.”
Then they set about to learn the secrets of creation.
And God said, “Shall I allow them full understanding of my designs and the ability to create and destroy as they will?”
Thus he cursed them with a great confusion, and across the whole earth man was divided; for God made him to distrust his
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 23, 2006).]
posted
The problem with starting directly at the beginning is that the story really doesn't have much to do with the things leading up to the Babel. It's not a story about the consequences of doing what God doesn't like or anything like that. Rather it's a story about the culture clashes. The Babel bit is just setup for the real story. Really, my main reason for using the Babel bit at all is to explain how all the current cultures on earth vanish and suddenly a lot of new ones show up. The point of my introduction is to introduce the backstory, which in this case isn't very specific to the characters in the rest of the story.
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posted
There's an old saying that rolls through various writer's workshops: If you want to send a message, call Western Union. Which is to say, be careful about preaching outright to your reader. Don't tell me. Show me.
I like your general style, but the "and we dared think ourselves gods" is a very overused theme, particularly in the Science Fiction genre. Nonetheless, it's a theme worth exploring. However, since it's commonplace, you want to come at it in an uncommon manner. Ask the question: How can I make this new?
posted
Hmm. I see what you're saying about wanting to explain the setting to the reader, but I agree with all the comments saying that it would be easier to connect with characters instead of a general prologue. Could you post the first 13 lines of the part of the story where the characters are introduced? Maybe we could suggest a way to start there but still explain the setting to the reader.
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posted
I get what you are saying about it just being a back-up story for a story with an entirely different purpose. But still, you can't just start up a story with such a philosophy AND an obvious biblical reference and not discuss it in some way.
With such obvious references--IMO--you can't drop them without exploring their moral significance (or else you are denying the situations in the bible their moral significance not to mention passing up a good opportunity to discuss these things). But don't do this in a lecture tone. Do it in the story, with the characters thoughts and words. Also, you have to alter the story from the Bible enough for it to be exciting and to have some large twists to the original story that makes the reader think "hey, that's really cool."
The best example I know of is, once again, from OSC. Don't know if you are Mormon or not, but OSC's Homecoming series follows the first 2 sections of the Book of Mormon (a book they hold to be scripture along with the Bible). It is most fascinating how he takes the story and uses the big plot points from the Book Of Mormon and twists it into a fascinating story. See, one of the main things about scriptural accounts is the space in between and it is most fascinating to see an author's rendition of, not only what happens between the little description we are given, but how such a thing would fit into a science fiction story.
All in all, it sounds like, if you want to use the tower of Babel idea, you should make it into a whole other novella/novel prologue. A lot more work, but it'd be much more interesting and you'd still get all you wanted in--if you're up to it.
posted
Bah to everyone's comments. I like your original opening. You're setting up your theme. In YOUR world YOUR version of humanity wants to be 'like God.' It shows they are religious people, or at least, that they want to be seen as good people. We're sort of coming at this from the point of view of man as a scientific and noble creature (at least, before the Babel incident), which I can get into the groove of just fine. (And I get the feeling God thinks they're getting to big for their britches too.) Plus, if the clash of cultures changes their behavior, I'll find it an even greater contrast to what they were. It'll give me a sense of loss of something great (which, you could say, comes from my desire to be a 'god', so to speak).
In short, as long as the 'preachy' bit is short, because it would get tiring, go for it. But I think if you want good feedback here, you should post the first 13 from the actual story (40 years after the Babel incident).
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