posted
Alright, based on all the comments on my "Age of Babel" post, I've completely reworked the beginning. Is this better?
*******
The end. That’s all anyone knew- that there had been an end. Great civilizations had once been spread upon the earth; their buildings still stood, half rubble, to challenge the imaginations of the men who now lived. Where once there had been countries whole continents wide, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself in a foreign place. It was a world of violence and unease, of tribes set against one another in fear or in jealousy. This was the world into which Peirt was born.
Had he not been born in Farlae, he might as well not have been born at all. It was the memories of this place that made him, even more than the trials he later faced. He was Farlae, and Farlae clung to him.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 02, 2006).]
posted
Not bad. I'd cut a little. Suggested cuts are in [].
The end. That’s all anyone knew-[YOU NEED AN EM DASH HERE, --] that there had been an end. Great civilizations had once been spread upon the earth; their buildings still stood, half rubble, to challenge the imaginations of [the] men who now lived. Where once there had been countries [whole] continents wide, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself in a foreign place. [It was a world of violence and unease, of tribes set against one another in fear or in jealousy.] This was the world into which Peirt was born.
[Had he not been born in Farlae, he might as well not have been born at all. It was the memories of this place that made him, even more than the trials he later faced. He was Farlae, and Farlae clung to him.
From the tops of the Aplachi Mountains, down through the foothills and then into the rolling hills of Farlae ran the Rho River... ]][THEN WE GET SOME ACTION HAPPENING, I THINK.]
posted
I love this way better than the other thing. Its fascinating because it starts out with such a strange thing--having all those cultures so close like that. I think you did very good with the hook. It works very well.
I love how you point out that the Farlae culture was him...of course, I don't really know woh the he is yet, but its ok because you have given me something to identify him with. If I'm right about Farlae being a culture, then I can learn about the character by learning about the culture as much as anything.
posted
This moves a lot better than your earlier "scriptural" opening. Still a bit removed from the actual story, but much closer than before. Maybe bring your main character in the first sentence? For example:
"Had [Piert] not been born in Farlae, he might as well not have been born at all."
Could be a good hook. You introduce the MC and let us know his life is not all skittles and beer in one swell foop.
posted
I agree with dckafka. The opening you have is good, but I prefer something that hooks me into a character from the start.
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posted
Wow, this is so much better. You definately hooked me (and I am not at all a fan of post current civilization stories). I agree with putting the character sentence up front, but either way good change.
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posted
Sorry I'm a newcomer and didn't get to see the original post, but I think you definately did a great job with this one. I'm a sucker for post-apocalyptic stuff but this is a great way of setting up a fairly complex setting in just a few lines and jumping right into the character, ready to start the meat of the story.
Basically we now have some important and distinct idea of what the state of the world is. We know of an important culture/civilization that we will be hearing about, and we know of a character who we already see some glimpse of importance/specialness in.
I would suggest something along the lines of "countries spanning continents" as the "whole" seems a bit tacked on, but the "countries continents wide" while grammatically correct seems akward.
posted
Thanks, everyone. This feels a lot better to me too. Now I just have to keep that intensity going for the rest of the story... wheeee.
I think this is the hardest I've ever worked on a piece of fiction. I may not be sweating, but I feel like I'm doing enough hard labor that I should be.
I should probably ask for readers in a separate post, but if anyone is reading this and feels inclined to look over my first chapter, please let me know.
posted
I think you could tighten this up a bit. Your “Great Civilizations” sentence repeats the same information as your “Where once there had been” sentence. I like the “Where” paragraph better. And…I think you could improve on it even.
Then there is no reason to have both sentences repeating the same idea.
Where once single countries had spanned whole continents, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself _____.
You could fill in the blank at the end of that with some specific type of incident that would show (rather than tell) all that about a world of violence and unease.
Find himself strung up as a spy or caught and sold into slavery.
Where once single countries had spanned whole continents, now a man could walk but two day’s journey and find himself strung up as a spy or caught and sold into slavery. (or whatever the violence is)
Just a suggestion to get more info into fewer sentences and words.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 01, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 01, 2006).]
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