Posted this a while back and they're were some conflicting parts, I've since fininshed the piece (short SF, approx 3000 words)and have hopefully fixed these problems. But has it lost anything in the process though? Are you still hooked? Is there anything still confusing.. etc.
Many thanks Z
Most evenings, while the other kids congregated in the youth centre deep underground, Eddie ventured to the surface to listen to the storm battering the greenhouse. He found the sound of it soothing somehow, the staccato crash of a zillion droplets of rain breaking over the glass roof just as the last wave was sluicing away down its domed surface. There was a rhythm to it somewhere in all that howling chaos, too, if he listened hard enough. Tonight, he climbed the iron trelliswork in the darkness - careful not to squash pops prize-winning veggies - and laid his cheek against the cold glass, closed his eyes, and drifted off into that inner space. It was here that he forgot about all the other kids and their stupid games; it was just him and the elements.
[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited March 03, 2006).]
posted
Sounds very interesting, the youth center being underground has me really curious. One mistake I think is the pops, should be pop's, besides that I didn't see any typographical errors. The two words staccato and sluicing aren't words that are very common and known and they are both in back to back sentences. If the story is intented for a wide audience I would say try to stick with more common words, if it's more geared towards hardcore scifi readers than multiple big words won't be a problem. I'd be interested in reading all of it if you want some input on its entirety. Good writing, it flows very well.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
In general I really like this. The kid sounds like somebody I could appreciate.
There are just a few words that don't quite sound right to me.
zillion- It just seems a bit odd to me to go from the sophisticated word staccato to a word that sounds far more childish all in the space of a few words.
First paragraph, last line, I don't think you need the word "too."
I don't *think* you need a comma after "Tonight."
"pops" should probably be "Pop's" (capitalized, since I think you're talking about a specific person, otherwise not)
For some reason the word "elements" sounds weird to me. That may just be me. I suppose it sounds... almost arcane. But if I'm the only person who thinks so, then just ignore that.
Grammar nit: "it was just him and the elements" isn't correct... at least I don't think it is. However, any other way to write that just sounds ridiculous. So... I suppose for the sake of readability you should keep it as it is.
Ok, so besides the fact that I'm obviously way too obnoxiously picky, I think this is great. I would definitely keep reading.
(By the way, I never read the first version, so I'm not sure what the differences are. Sorry.)
posted
Your hard work has paid off Zoot. This is much better, though I'd lose the 'too' at the end of the first paragraph, and say Dad not pops (or am I confused again!) The hook as before is the underground, the dome and the MC's yearning... Well done. Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I vaguely recall the other version, but not well enough to compare the two. I like this one though.
Since noone else has commented on it yet, my first observation may not be too important. I find rain to have a natural rhythm, so the concept that it could be chaotic seems very, very odd.
I like staccato, but not sluicing. Sluicing almost seems like a thesaurus lookup. I also agree with the earlier commenter on using zillion.
Finally, the worst part for me, is the closing sentence: "it was just him and the elements." The first thing I thought was "Well, not really. He's separated from the elements by glass." Maybe I'm being too picky, but it would've been a deal breaker were I in a bookstore.
posted
I really like the imagery and ambiance of your opening, Zoot. Small nits aside, it a very interesting piece. I'm hooked.
Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
A very interesting, me too, had not the chance to read the first one. I like the context of this story, besides what the others have suggested (I agree), I am curious to find out what happens next. Yeah, I aslo agree that I am interested in the underground youth group. And what ever else goes along with it.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I haven't seen the earlier version, but I think this is a strong opening. It has me curious to know more about the MC, and what will happen in this story. The rain imagery is beautiful. Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think this is MUCH improved over the earlier version. Good imagery. Good writing. Just a few suggestions:
"He found the sound of it soothing somehow, the staccato crash of a zillion droplets breaking over the glass roof just as the last wave was sluicing away down its domed surface."
As some have suggested, nix the "zillion" and consider nixing "sluicing". I think instead of "sluicing," why not a word like "cascaded" or even "rippled".
You might thinkg about striking "somehow" and "away" - the words seem like extra baggage. For that matter "a zillion droplets" could be replaced simply by "rain" or "wind driven rain" etc.
"...breaking over the glass roof..."
Why is the rain breaking OVER the glass roof? I think "breaking upon the glass roof" or "breaking on the glass roof" or "breaking against the glass roof" is more accurate.
Overall much better. Good luck with it.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 22, 2006).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
