posted
This is a story I have been working on for about a month it is still in the rough draft stage but I am looking for any helpful criticism.
Cold and alone, wreathed in smoke, Karl sits in a threadbare armchair holding a now warm Miller High Life can. His TV on but the volume off, and the old detective movie on the screen the star is interrogating a supposed criminal, white noise; street noise fills in the soundtrack.
Karl stared at the can in his hand; he had been contemplating it for the better part of twenty minutes. The cowgirl riding the moon on the can, the high life girl, was the only girl in his life. He loves her and he hates her. She gives him the highs and lows of any relationship, just simpler. She gets him drunk then leaves him hung-over. Cause and effect, guaranteed, no variables no insecurities, he always knew what he was getting.
posted
Just a note -- you might want to check your grammar before you post. There are sentence fragments and missing verbs, and you want to keep the tenses consistent.
For example: "His TV IS on but the volume IS off, and IN the old detective movie on the screen the star is interrogating a supposed criminal..." You might be able to leave out the second "is," but whatever the case, this sentence needs some reworking in order to be grammatically correct.
Tense change: "Karl stared at the can in his hand; he had been contemplating it for the better part of twenty minutes." Either put it in present tense like the rest of the 13 lines, or else switch the whole thing to past tense. But whatever you do, keep the tenses consistent.
I'm not sure who the cowgirl is that he's thinking about. His girlfriend? Someone he's seeing currently or someone who left him? The last bit confused me with its vague generalizations about a girl I haven't really been introduced to. It might just be me, but I like everything to be perfectly clear when I read it. See what others think.
posted
I suggest you use past tense. I just don't see a reason not to.
I got the cowgirl-on-the-can thing. You might capitalize High Life, since it's part of a brand name; or you might pick something that isn't a real trademark, if you don't want to identify Miller.
I'm hooked; I want to know what he's going to do about this miserable life.
It may be later that you find this isn't the best place to start -- that is, he might get drunk with friends, for the life interrupted (more interesting to see people in relationships); or maybe something happens that makes him start to change.
posted
I think you might be starting the story a bit too late. You need to engage in too large of an info dump to convince us that his life is miserable. I didn't have any reason to care that the Miller High Life girl was the only woman in his life. Also wbriggs has a good point on the trademark issue so you might want to create a beer rather than address those issues. While I'm not hooked, I'd still be willing to read and comment on it for you.
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posted
You need a really good reason for using present tense with me. There is such a reason (more than one, perhaps), but I've rarely seen it done well.
No time right now, and correctly done present tense stories are never to my taste anyway. You have a couple of grammer nits, but other than that the writing looks competent.
I think (and I could be wrong) that you want to slow this down even more. Contemplate everything a little, show us what it means. Intersperse details of his environment with the analogy of a relationship with the High-life girl. Like I said, I could be wrong, but I think that when you finish describing this scene, the scene has to end, so you'd better find a way to keep describing the scene till you'rr ready to do something else.
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