posted
This is a short fantasy story (8000 words). I'm looking for readers for the whole thing, and if anyone has the time to crit it I'll happily crit something of yours in return.
"A Bet with Evil"
It was on a drizzling day in May that I had my third visit with the Widow.
She came out of nowhere, a shadow rising from the corner of my studio, inexplicably dry, while all outside was wet. Her long satin gown glimmered the color of the sky just before morning light appears, and her lips curved in a honey-sweet smile on the verge of rancidness.
I gave a cry of fright, wondering how long she had been there.
“Dear me…” The Widow chuckled. “It is funny when you fireflies flash with surprise. I could install a very interesting lighting system in my web that way.”
I flushed, and set down my paintbrushes to steady my shaking hands. Her demeanor was not openly threatening; but the
EDIT: Forgot to mention -- if this looks familiar to those who've kindly helped me out in the black widow thread, it's because it's set in the same fantasy world. But the tale is entirely different.
[This message has been edited by Ico (edited March 23, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2006).]
posted
I am willing to read it. I have not critiqued anything before, so I will probably just say I like this, disliked that. So, you'll probably want someone else to read as well for more specifics.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
There were a few adjectives that need not be there, but otherwise, I like how the plot is un-rolling... Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
I've already said that I'll read, if you don't mind it waiting till the weekend.
Sholar, glad to see you jumping in. Everyone who crits does a first one at some point. And the feedback that you can give is extremely valuable -- just being able to tell the writer where you had a problem and what the problem was is invaluable. You don't even have to know why it's a problem; often even experienced critters aren't quite sure why something isn't working.
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Choccido -- thanks! Yes, I have a nasty tendency to overuse adverbs and adjectives... I usually try to cut them out of the story in revision. *whips out red pen and assaults paper*
Sholar -- thank you for the offer! I'm sending it your way. Feel free to send me anything you'd like me to read in return. And Minister is right -- any feedback you have is valuable. I really appreciate your offer to read.
Minister -- I've sent it your way. Thanks a bunch! ^_^
posted
Who is your target audience? I definetely enjoyed the story. I plan to read through it again tomorrow to make more specific comments.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Target audience... that's a very good question. I was hoping for some opinions on that, actually. I think it's a young adult story... for somewhat demented young adults. What do you think?
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Vatyma -- I sent it your way. Yes, the beginning is awfully similar, isn't it? That's probably because it concerns the same two characters in the introduction -- visits 2 and 3 of the firefly with the spider.
Aalanya -- I've sent it your way. The fact that you're curious enough to want to see this second tale about them makes me happy! Don't worry about critting -- you did me a huge favor with your comments on the first one, and I still have to revise it. It's just a bad habit of mine to always have multiple projects going on at any one time. But as I said, I really appreciate it, and owe you for that. Just have fun!
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You can send it my way too if you want. kings_falcon@yahoo.com. I really liked the sense of place and character you were building. Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Just wanted to let you know that I'm still working on the crit. My apologies; I had expected to get to it over the weekend, but things went nuts. I started on it today, but it looks like I'm not going to get it finished. I'll hopefully have it to you sometime tomorrow or Wednesday, if that's not too late.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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No worries. I'm a little behind on getting crits done, myself... family is here and keeping me away from the computer.
Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Send it my way, I'll give it a read. I haven't seen the earlier thread, but your characters are intriguing.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006
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