I’m home. Falcon gratefully closed the door to her suite at Valya, the castle in Fayette’s capital city. Now that she had returned, she hoped never to hear the name Kauril again. Hopefully, she could stop being The Princess and just be herself. But Falcon didn’t know why she’d been called home. Seven turns was too long to be gone and far too long to be The Princess. She yanked her crown out of her rucksack and opened the cache hidden in the floor boards that held her spare weapons. Dropping the circlet into the opening she huffed, “I hope I never have to wear you again!” The diadem looked out of place surrounded by the daggers Falcon preferred. She secured the compartment. A quick glance around the room . . .
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited April 12, 2006).]
posted
Well, if you meant full omniscient, then it's not. But you probably meant limited anyway. I've got some questions. Feel free to answer them straight out.
Are Princess Kauril and Falcon the same character?
Where is this initial scene taking place?
Are we supposed to be interested in this summary of past events?
First, the opening of "Princess Kauril. Princess Kauril!" I had to re-read that a couple times before giving up an moving on. I think you're trying to demonstrate disgust with the title, but it doesn't work for me this way. I'd probably put the book down because of that.
Assuming that wasn't an issue, I think it is not clear soon enough that Princess Kauril and Falcon are the same person. The third sentence makes it clear, but a little to late, which causes confusion (at least for me).
As an example, I think moving the opening Princess references after "... stop being the Princess Kauril and just be herself" works.
quote:Now that Falcon had returned to Fayette's capital city, she hoped never to hear th[e] name [Princess Kauril] again. Hopefully, she could stop being the Princess [remove -> Kauril] and just be herself. Princess Kauril. Princess Kauril!
I think something like that would eliminate the confusion, but even then, I think making Falcon say the words (maybe even add a huffy comment) would make it more readable. Not sure if you were trying to avoid 1st person entirely though.
Anyway, hope that illustrates what I was getting at.
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited April 11, 2006).]
posted
It's a little tough going, but it's not too bad. I want to know who Sabrina is as soon as she's mentioned, rather than 2 sentences later; and I want to know Falcon's relationship to "Princess Kauril" as soon as _they're_ mentioned. I think these 2 fixes will make it easier.
I wouldn't read it because I'm not much of a medeival fantasy reader, but there's nothing to really turn me off.
posted
Yes. Falcon and Kauril (Karre) are the same person. I forgot that a lot of the interpersonal dynamics are in the prologue including Kauril's name change and those readers who skip the prologue in making the decision on whether to buy the book or not would be lost. Thank you for pointing it out.
Does this work better? ** Falcon gratefully closed the door to her suites in Valya, Fayette’s capital city. Now that she had returned, she hoped never to hear the name Kauril again. Hopefully, she could stop being The Princess and just be herself. But Falcon didn’t know why Sabrina, who’d been part mother and part sister to her for turns, had called her home. They had never kept secrets from each other before Sabrina became Queen of Fayette and Tamarack and sent Falcon to Sea Haven to learn how to be The Tarish Princess. She yanked her crown out of her rucksack and opened the cache of weapons hidden in the floor boards. Dropping the circlet into the opening she huffed, “I hope I never have to wear you again!” The diadem looked out of place surrounded by the daggers Falcon preferred.
posted
I liked it and would probably keep reading. A couple of things:
Is Sabrina really her mother or sister?
>They had never kept secrets from each other before Sabrina became Queen of Fayette and Tamarack and sent Falcon to Sea Haven to learn how to be The Tarish Princess.<
I felt lost in the names of places here. Could Sabrina just be the Queen, and is Sea Haven part of Sabrina's kingdom, or did Falcon get sent far away? Is Tarish a different kingdom? This sentence makes me think too much!
Yes, Sea Haven is far away. Tamarack, Fayette, Tarishah, Sea Haven and Sabbatus are all neighboring kingdoms.
Sabrina is not Falcon's mother or sister. Falcon is orphaned and comes to Fayette as part of the regency over Tarishah. Sabrina is King William of Fayette's daughter and "adopts" Falcon when she arrives at Valya. All of this back history is in the prologue. I think it would be too much of an info dump to convey it here, the first 13 lines of a novel, which is why I added the prologue.
Would something like ". . .surrogate mother and sister to her. . ." work better?
I'd gladly accept suggestions on how to clarify the relationships though.
posted
The rewrite has a lot better clarity. But you mention a prologue...I hope that you don't mind if I adhere to the view that the prologue is the beginning of your text, even if it is not the beginning of your story. Because, you know, whether or not you mind, that is the view I take.
On the (possibly false) assumption that the prologue gave me certain bits of information (like why Falcon enters her rooms "gratefully"), I'm going to say that this is "good enough" for text that isn't the opening. I can infer (after a bit of thought) that she has just attended some function at which she was required to play the part of Princess Kauril.
The infomation about her relationship to Sabrina seems a bit hurried and out of place. You might want to leave it for later. Falcon has just gotten back to her rooms, it seems reasonable that she would get comfortable before doing any serious musing. And right now we're probably more interested in her process of transition between Princess Kauril and Falcon. And that's what she's doing, after all.
If the prologue was good, I'd keep reading. If not...I probably wouldn't have gotten this far.
posted
I agree that the story starts there (otherwise why waste the reader's time with it?)but because there were a few people who mentioned on the discussion board that they would skip a prologue and scan the first chapter to decide whether to read further, I wanted to get some feedback on the First Chapter.
Ahm, Survivor, you have read part of the prologue.
The prologue starts out with Karsh and the civil war in the neighboring kingdom and moves into the events that result in Kauril becoming Falcon and the establishment of the regency over her kingdom. You learn who Sabrina is but don't meet her in the prologue. There is a 17 year gap between the Prologue and the 1st Chapter.
Falcon enters the room "gratefully" because she is NEVER Kauril while she is at Valya but ALWAYS Kauril in Sea Haven where she has spent the last 7 years. I can clarify that a bit more.
First of all, Maybe focus just a little more attention on Falcon. Then introduce each person/place/thing after that seperately. That would make it easier to grasp and more interesting. And I do find it interesting, by the way.
posted
Sorry, Susannaj4. I didn't think I was but I can understand that the capitalization might be read that way. I'm glad you are interested though. Thanks for the comments.
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posted
Definitely concentrate on the transition from being Kauril to Falcon, then. She's been Kauril for seven years, it'll take some serious unwinding for her to get back into Falcon's head again.
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