The Klamath Mountains of northern California were primal in their beauty. The climbs were relaxing compared the rocky cliffs of the Alps and the Himalayans, but Razh had decided to come here for the breathtaking scenery more than the climb. Everything from the dense evergreen forest to the smallest brook had added to the natural splendor of the area. __This hike would have been perfect__, he thought to himself, __if this stupid box would stop vibrating every four hours__.

Razh took a small handheld device from his front pocket and turned it on. A small hologram appeared stating, __Warning! Park security approaching__. Razh roared with frustration and began blurting out every profane word he could think of. He bolted from the path and into the dense forest. He stopped ...

Some good honest opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Jammrock

EDIT: Take 2.3 ...

[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited April 19, 2006).]

Ok, I know I'm going against the grain here, but when he swears in four different languages - just couldn't buy it. Doesn't "feel" right to me. Someone mad or frustrated enough to swear is likely going to do it in their native tongue.

"babbling brook" = cliche. "Mighty trees" also seems a bit weak and could be made stronger.

a) Why would he draw a knife first? A knife is a close-in weapon and his threat is presumably distant. And he has a gun.
b) After he draws his "plasma" gun. So he's hunkered in the bush with a gun in one hand and a knife in the other? Why? Awkward. Unless he put the knife away, in which case why did he take it out in the first place?
c)Didn't his mother ever tell him about running with sharp objects?

dckafka, the actual words are "a long-barreled plasma pistol," implying that he can easily carry both at the same time, and being in the woods (you find that out definitively in the next sentence) he is armed correctly for close quarters combat. Or so I view it. As for c), who do you think taught him how to use a knife?

Good feedback, everyone. Looks like I'm doing pretty good grabbing people's attention, but need to do some good polishing.

Keep the input coming!

Thanks,
Jammrock

Only a couple of nits:
You said: " A small hologram soon appeared stating..."
Get rid of the "soon"... it feels odd there. The microseconds it would take the hologram to appear are not worthy of mention.

I am mollified that you corrected the reference to the beauty of the Klamath mountainpeaks.

However, one small nit: the word "Klamath" is a regional thing specific to southern Oregon and northern California. I was born, raised, and I live in northern central Oregon, so keep in mind that I do NOT live in the specific localized region you are writing about. That said, I have never heard the phrase "the Klamath mountains." I hear it called the Klamath basin, the Klamath region, the Klamath Falls region, southern Oregon, Northern California.... but the mountains are more generally known as the Cascade Mountains.... and the Klamath mountains are a PART of the Cascades. It might be a very localized reference to call them the Klamath mountains, and you mentioned you had a friend who had spent time there. If the locals call it the Klamath mountains, then I won't argue the point. But as I said, the regionally accepted reference is to the Cascade Mountains, of which Mt. Shasta (in southern Oregon) and Crater Lake... two well known landmarks... are a part.

I keep in mind that no one has usually heard of the Klickitats, which are across the river from where I live. People outside the Mid Columbia area usually aren't familiar with this small group of hills/mountains and I doubt the specific reference would mean anything to people living even in, say, Seattle. The reference to the Klamath mountains could be the same thing. I also keep in mind that I live in Oregon and, as I recall, your setting is actually northern California. California is an alien state and we Oregonians have been puzzling how to keep them from moving north and jacking up our real estate prices.... an effort which has been spectacularly unsuccessful, to my financial woe.

There technically *is* a Klamath mountain range:

http://www.bartleby.com/65/kl/KlamathMt.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klamath_Mountains

...but from people's reactions I may change the reference to the more common Cascade. I used Klamath specifically because it was coastal, beautiful, and sounded cool. I'll debate. Thanks for the response.

Updates first post with a slightly modified first 13.

quote:

---

The peaks were not the most impressive he had climbed, the Alps and the Himalayans had been far more challenging, but Razh found himself in awe at the breathtaking scenery.

---

I liked the "four favorite languages" reference, but something about it wasn't quite right. I think tchernabyelo covered the "believability" part well enough:

quote:

---

It depends if you're startled (in which case you swear in your native tongue) or if you're annoyed by something you've half been expecting, which I'm guessing is closer to the stuation here.

---

Even better, would be to meet some different people that could supply you some curses as they'd be used in the native language, then use the actual curses in the text. If you aren't after real languages, think of the structure of existing curses (action noun; adjective; ...), and make your own for made-up langugages:
"A, B, C, D," Razh mumbled under his breath, as he had a habit of doing when annoyed. He used W, X, Y, Z (languages) most often, as they were his favorite."

I think it's compelling enough to read on.

dckafka:
a) Go watch Rambo
b) Because he may need to take out someone silently without drawing attention to his position (assuming there is a group... "Park Security" could be a single individual, or multiple).
c) That's just for the untrained an klutzs of the world. It's also a judgement based on risk assesment. (I'm assuming you weren't serious with this one).

This is a very character-defining action - caution, lest it not define the character you're after. Cursing in four different languages is another emphatic action, but I don't feel like he'd do it under his breath. If he's the roaring kind, maybe he shouts his polyglot invective until the valleys echo in English, German, Urdu and Esperanto? If he's more of a stealthy sort (I recall from a previous iteration that he has a concealed knife), maybe he internalizes his anger a little more?

Just thoughts.

-A

Did some tweaking of the peaks sentence. It hopefully flows better and conveys the sense that he's there to relax ... before we discover he isn't.

Although I liked the "four favorite languages" deal, I just don't think it's working out. The tongues he's cursing in are all alien, so naming them wouldn't work (as it would only bring up more questions that people won't get answered, at least not in this book), and writing down a long list of alien swear words wouldn't have the right effect because ... well .. they are alien.

So after a little tweaking I think this will be the last "take 2" rewrite of the first 13, pending any glaring errors in grammar or logic I missed.

Thanks for all your help ladies and gents. Please feel free to keep commenting if you wish to, I'm always open to suggestions and opinions. And if anyone wants to read on and critique the work in progress, please feel free to email me (the letter icon above the post will get you my address).

Jammrock

I like the set-up. However I think the ongoing edits to the first post may have made it a little choppy. It may be a good idea to leave the first post in its original state and post altered beginnings in subsequent posts. I mention this for selfish reasons; I learn a lot from reading the comments and comparing it to the text, but if the text changes it is hard to ollow the thread of the other critics thoughts.

Other than that only minor nits like: Himalayans should be Himalayas.

Some refining on description of whole ideas ie:

quote:

---

This hike would have been perfect, he thought to himself, if this stupid box would stop vibrating every four hours.

---

Italics denote internal dialogue, then we are told he thought it, then told that he thought it 'to himself'. I don't think there is any other way. So really you have given us the same info three times.

Second nit with this bit is the character knows what the 'stupid box' is but we don't so we are stuck with 'stupid box' as the only reference. Maybe let us know what it is.

Like I said initially, I like the set-up I also like the voice and the situation and would keep reading.