posted
I half fell asleep at the keyboard and woke up with this. I don't know where I'm going with it so I'd like to know what people expect from this beginning. Fantasy 600 words(not finished)
* They forgave him. They loved him. They killed him. He tried to stop them from destroying themselves. He stood in their way at the edge of the cliff, where they meant not to leap off but just to get a really close look at the intricately jagged rocks below. He helped them recover as they ate their feast of spoiled food the taste of which they ignored because of their inordinately strong drinks. Herald Brooks tried to hold all of the earth on his shoulders as it wiggled and squirmed to free itself from his grip. Most villages have just one idiot who exists so that the normal people can have pity and a little laughter. These idiots are meted out by the commission of beneficial witches who are dedicated to serving and controlling everyone in their sight.
posted
The second paragraph is much stronger than the first in my opinion. The first asks too many questions without providing anything for me to care about, so I just start to think, "so what?" I can't figure out who I'm supposed to be imagining, or what they're really doing. I feel like I'm getting a lot of information with no order to it.
I would suggest starting with the second paragraph, because it gives me insight into the MC(?) right away. It tells me what's going on, at least in a vague sense. I would like a little more concrete detail even there though.
posted
I am intrigued but completely lost. The first paragraph does not work for me at all. I like the first two sentences of the second paragraph. The third sentence that starts: >These idiots are meted out...< confused because I'm not sure if you're talking about the idiots in most villages or the idiots in this particular village. And who are these witches in relation to Herald Brooks?
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posted
The first paragraph deliberately withholds who "they" and "he" are, and this might be okay if the second paragraph immediately develops who all of them truly are. But that doesn't happen in full.
Instead, the second paragraph introduces the "he" (presumably), and neglects to develop "they." This creates confusion for the reader -- at least this reader.
And that second paragraph feels disjointed. The first sentence in paragraph two doesn't seem to be related to the rest of the paragraph, or conversely, the rest of the paragraph seems unrelated to the first sentence. It's hard to say what the intent of this is.
So, basically, we need a little clarity, a little less withholding, and perhaps those first three sentences (which I think are fine as long as things are developed adequately) will serve as the hook you intend for them to be.
posted
"They forgave him. They loved him. They killed him. He tried to stop them from destroying themselves. He stood in their way at the edge of the cliff, where they meant not to leap off but just to get a really close look at the intricately jagged rocks below. He helped them recover as they ate their feast of spoiled food the taste of which they ignored because of their inordinately strong drinks."
I find this passage interesting. I noticed a lot of "He" starting sentences, but that's not necessarily bad. I would rewrite the fifth sentence as:
"He stood in their way at the edge of the cliff, where they meant not to leap off but to get a close look at the jagged rocks below." Too many words in that sentence for my taste before.
The spoiled food analogy had a 'yuck' factor I'm not sure you want in the first paragraph. Or maybe you do.
"Herald Brooks tried to hold all of the earth on his shoulders as it wiggled and squirmed to free itself from his grip."
Nice imagery.
"Most villages have just one idiot who exists so that the normal people can have pity and a little laughter."
Now this sentence threw me. This person's not sounding like an idiot to me.
"These idiots are meted out by the commission of beneficial witches who are dedicated to serving and controlling everyone in their sight."
Beneficial witches? Meted out? I feel confused. I'm not getting what you mean in this sentence.
Nice start, overall. I liked the first paragraph better than the second, which started to lose me as far as reading more.
I've never done one of these 13 word things before so I hope I'm doing this right. Hope any of this helps.
posted
This confuses me in the first paragraph. Did "they" forgive him for trying to stop them from destroying themselves? Or was there an earlier event? Why would he have needed to stand in their way, if they weren't going to jump anyway? Why would feasting on spoiled food be part of "recovery"? And the word "inordinately" seems too contemporary for the piece, to me.
I wouldn't complain too much about being confused after an introductory paragraph, but when nothing resolves my questions, I feel like I'm being teased instead of being invited to explore the story.
IMHO the metaphor of holding the world on one's shoulders doesn't work with "...it wiggled and squirmed." Too many images of Atlas have come before your writing, and a big rock isn't going to squirm.
Then, quite suddenly, we are on to idiots. At this point, I'd quit reading, I'm sorry to say. You've changed topics too many times, introduced too much without explaining enough.
I think the piece has potential, though. It just seems to have the first draft hiccups. I like the premise you are working toward, and for some reason I really like the character's name. With a little more focus, taking more time to develop the story instead of rushing through what feels like a prologue, I think it will be good.
posted
I was interested by the first paragraph. It almost sounded like you were describing a Jesus figure. That long sentence was clunky and I had to reread it several times.
The second paragraph confused me. It seemed to go off on a tangent and I didn't understand what idiots had to do with witches, let alone the first paragraph. It also started to feel quite info-dumpy.
posted
Thanks everyone. I don't really plan on doing anything with this at the moment. I was just really tired when I wrote it, honestly I thought I was writing something else.
Just in case you were curious the other page went on about Brooks being the only 'Normal' person in a village of idiots.
Christine: I didn't see the Jesus Figure untill you pointed it out, if I ever really write this perhaps that's the angle I'll take.
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