posted
Hi This is a short-short fantasy story (under 1000 words) I want to know if it works. I'm kind of lost so I'll appreciate any criticism.
He leaves his father's palace at dusk. He pockets some stardust and glam and closes the door to his room. Goodbye talking peacocks and kismet rolling dice, goodbye magical spandex. The world awaits; he has a mission! He tiptoes down the sturdy oak steps, lingers in the giant library, fingertips brushing dust off oversized books (farewell, farewell) and down the beanstalk, softly, softly, nobody must hear! When he arrives, he reaches out with nimble feet to find the sapling limb, wraps his toes around it for support and then hop, into the kitchens, where he is not allowed but always welcome. The cook feeds him and he almost forgets his mission as he pats her big bottom and stuffs himself with coriander wine and muffins, honeysuckle juice and cardamom that smells like sweat from an Arab Adonis.
posted
Thanks for giving the word count, but could you also add the genre and if you want readers for the whole thing or just these lines.
There's a couple of things I'm sure most of us will point out, and that's going to be the present tense and the lack of a name. Present tense can be done well, but it's usually better to keep a story in the past tense and I'm thinking that that's the case here. And is there a reason "he" doesn't have a name? It's hard to connect with an MC that goes nameless, especially since I assume this guy is royalty and everybody would know who he is.
That aside, I'm not engaged because I don't know what's happening. He has a mission! but what is it? I can't feel any of that excitement he's feeling unless I know what he's doing. Without that information, everything else that follows is meaningless to me.
[This message has been edited by Ray (edited June 04, 2006).]
posted
This is intriguing. I seemed to be a little lost, however, because on reading the first sentence my brain already had the MC being outside the father's house.
Again I became a little lost in the second paragraph, when he arrives, having been down the beanstalk, and then grabs a limb. Now he is in the kitchens, which I assume are detached from the house, or are they someone elses's house?
Good imagery, and I don't mind not knowing his name yet. It appears that someone will be speaking to him soon, and then I will learn it.
posted
I think this has a nice, whimsical tone. I'd like the MC to have a name, for the simple reason that a name would eliminate some of the distracting repetitions of "he" and "him." (Please, please...is he "Jack, Jr."?) The present tense is successful here, for me, as I didn't notice it was present tense until I read through the posted critiques.
I'm a little put off by the complexity of your phrasing and sentence structure. It would be hard to read a long story written in this style. In particular, that second sentence in the second paragraph is a doozy. I think you should break it up, especially as the sentence before it is equally complex. (Personally, I'd break up both of them. You have seven ideas/actions stuffed into two sentences.)
You could just leave out the last sentence in the first paragraph, as you convey his sense of secrecy and purpose through your description of his actions. IMHO, the reader doesn't need to be told that he feels he is embarking on a mission.
The last sentence in the fragment is run-on, which is merely a nit. It holds some very nice imagery, and tells us a lot about the MC.
I'd keep reading this for sure, but I'd wish for a revision to make it less complex.
posted
Are you looking for readers? If so, I'd be happy to read.
I agree with many of the comments that have already been posted, but you've got an intriguing premise and a couple of great details (like "the kitchen, where he is not allowed but always welcome"). I'd be glad to give it a look.
posted
I like this. I suggest rewriting this in past tense just to see how it would read, I think that you'll like it better. Don't change anything but that so you have a good comparison.
Also I question capitalizing Arab Adonis, is this a proper noun?
Ditto on the him leaving the palace then going through the library.
posted
You have a tense problem: the first sentence, although it is not immediately clear at first, summarizes everything your character later does. This sort of thing can work, but here it's too open to confusion. I'd suggest changing to "He decides to leave the palace", or "he takes the first step to leave the palace", or whatever suits your fancy.
I'd appreciate knowing what the mission is, but I can wait a little. What I have a little more trouble waiting for is the name of that character.
You might also want to reconsider the present tense unless it's absolutely necessary to the story (many editors don't like it).
posted
Try redoing this in past tense. It's difficult (i.e., distracting) to read a story in present tense. Even if its only for a thousand words. I found all the he's and his's too distracting and way too repetitious. You used the pronouns "his" and "he" 13 combined times by my count (14 if you count "himself.") That's 13 times in 13 lines.
Posts: 73 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Thanks everybody for the input. Sorry if I didn't post all the info, I'm still feeling my way around this forum. The story is speculative fiction definitively. I can't place it better than that because it's kind of wacky. Probably fantasy more than sci-fi. I'd love it if someone wants to read the whole thing and comment on it. You're probably right, past tense is easier to read. I've tinkered with it.
Mercury decided to leave his father's palace at dusk. He pocketed some stardust and glam and closed the door to his room. Goodbye talking peacocks and kismet rolling dice, goodbye magical spandex. The world awaited; he had a mission! He tiptoed down the sturdy oak steps, lingered in the giant library, fingertips brushing dust off oversized books (farewell, farewell) and down the beanstalk, softly, softly, nobody must hear! The servant's building hung lightly from a branch. Mercury wrapped his toes around the limb for balance and crept into the kitchens, where he wasn't allowed but always welcome. The cook fed him and he almost forgot his mission as he patted her big bottom and stuffed himself with coriander wine and muffins, honeysuckle juice and cardamom that smelt like sweat from an arab Adonis.
posted
MUCH better. I'd still like to know what the mission is, but you've hooked me enough that I'll read more. Send it over.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
The mission isn't terribly important, he almost forgets it when he's raiding the kitchen.
Naming the character and using the past tense make a huge difference, minor touches such as mentioning that the servant's building is hung from a branch of the beanstalk also give the setting a much more defined and original feel. I wouldn't mind reading more of this at all.
posted
Adonis still isn't a proper noun, it would be if you were talking about the guy named adonis but his name is Mercury. (which isn't an arab name but that doesn't bug me much.) It is just a description and so shouldn't be capitalized. (Sorry I've got cap issues.)
The references to various magical, or at least abnormal, objects, such as stardust, is really good. It gives the world a feeling of mystery, and a little bit of depth.
Unless the 'Magical Spandex' line is necessary, or your story is at least semi-humorous, I'd boot it. I can picture some of my less mature students making fountains of jokes of it.
Not letting us know your mission is okay, but, with short stories, it is usually best to get right into the plot. Readers will often give the story more time to develop in novels, while short story writers can get the short end of the stick. You, unfortunately, need to fight all the more hard with your first few lines.
Lastly, while some unexplained details can be good, you're story seems to leave us hanging a bit. There may be a bit too much mystery, too little substance.
Hope I helped, and I'm sorry if I kind-of 'talked down' to you in that. I do this for high schoolers all day, it is a little hard to get out of my system.
posted
You didn't talk down to me at all, Last_Cossack. Even if you did, I hope I'm not that far away from being in high-school myself (grin) The story is humorous, magical spandex is for kicks. Thank you again everybody. I'm gonna tinker with it some more. Thanks to everyone who offered to read, I'll send it to you in the next couple of days.
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited June 07, 2006).]
posted
I think I've sent the story to everyone who offered to read but I had a slight problem with gmail and I don't know if it worked or not. Just tell me if you didn't receive it.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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