posted
As the Armada approached the human solar system, it began processing for deceleration. The Admiral’s Chief of Staff approached him as he sat at the command console. The Chief stopped a few steps away. He was careful not to get too close, as he knew it might disrupt the neural sensors that were _Reading_ the Admiral’s command inputs to the ship and staff. Finally the Chief of Staff spoke up. “Admiral, there is a big problem.”
The Admiral was a veteran of 3 campaigns and was never easily rattled. An imposing figure, even when seated, it was a special few that spoke first when in his presence. “What is it?” He didn’t turn his eye towards the Chief of Staff.
“We are receiving a vast assortment of electromagnetic signals.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 15, 2006).]
posted
practice writing the same sentence different ways i.e. The Admiral’s Chief of Staff approached him as he sat at the command console. (James T.?) j.k.
(The Admiral sat at the command console as the Chief of Staff approached) (The Chief of Staff quickly approached the Admiral poised at the helm of the command console.)
work on brevity, or saying the same thing with fewer words i.e. The Admiral was a veteran of 3 campaigns and was never easily rattled (The Admiral, a veteran of three campaigns, was never easily rattled)
quote:The Admiral’s Chief of Staff approached him as he sat at the command console.
Grammatically, the phrase "as he sat at the command console" refers to the Chief of Staff. The CoS can't approach something and be sitting at a console at the same time.
markburnash is right, you could say the same things more concisely, and tightening your writing would make it more compelling. There is a worthwhile kernel in this opening, but it is buried in a lot of unnecessary words.
The part that sparked my interest was "it was a special few that spoke first when in his presence".
posted
What does "Vegetable Lovers" have to do with your story? If that is your title, then it alludes to a unique tale. This feels like a tired opening for Sci Fi. Maybe creating a deeper POV from your main character or starting in a different place would help.
Your first lines must pop with promise. I agree your writing needs to be tightened, but also think you need to create a more bequiling intro.
posted
I don't normally comment on Sci-Fi militia sort of fragments, simply because it's not a genre I care for (my bias, not your writing.) However, because of the discussion on cliche happening over in the other forum, I thought I'd make an observation. In my experience of reading the F&F forum, this sort of beginning has become a cliche... that of some sort of military spaceship coming into orbit, giving the characters a chance to infodump some backstory or background. We see this a lot, and since you are new here you probably would have no way of knowing that.
It doesn't engage me. If you dropped me inside a single character's head, have him thinking interesting thoughts, then *boom* some action happens... that would perk up my interest. But to have a scene open with a bunch of talking heads giving me information about a world I do not yet know, nor care about, doesn't hook me. Maybe the Admiral has a name, and maybe he's worried about his family, his promotion, the crappy coffee-maker is on the fritz: ("All this money for fancy spaceships and they still can't guarantee a good cup of coffee?") Maybe his carefully laid plans for the day suddenly get shot to heck and gone... the electromagnetic pulse just shorted out some doohinky they need to send signals to something...
In short, don't TELL us. SHOW us.
My suggestion is to skip the intro, and plop us into the story after some action takes place. Put some tension in that beginning. We don't need to know the background in the first 13, but we do need a promise that there is something interesting about to happen.
My two centavos.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited September 19, 2006).]
posted
I like background, but this background doesn't interest me. What's the cool thing about the story that will make us want to read it? STart there, I think.
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