I used to ask myself why bad things happened to good people. And I’d think about it a lot, for a 16-year old, maybe more than I should. And then I realized that a lot of bad things happened to bad people, too, and not just bad things that maybe they’d brung upon themselves through being stupid, but maybe things that God allowed to happen to them. And when I’d think, “Hey, that’s part of God’s justice, ‘cause they deserved it,” something bad would happen to somebody good, and there I was again. Back at square one.
The drunk driver that killed my brother, and put my mother in a coma, went to prison—Man’s Justice, not God’s—but it was a start. I am still trying to work out how this was God’s plan, if that was His Plan, and I don’t know if I’ll ever sort

NOTE: From me, I always appreciate your input...thanks ahead of time...

[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited September 26, 2006).]

Honestly, though I can't be certain fo this since I obviously can't tell what the rest of the story is about, but I'd consider starting with something that SHOWS elements of that paragraph, almost like the entire building on your MC as a character could be outlined by that paragraph. Right now it just seems overly depressing all at once. I suppose an angsty teen might like this opening well enough, but from my perspective I'm not really attached to this character based on this hook.

Start with the second paragraph. It begins with a very strong hook, IMO. The phrase "but it was a start" is especially valuable because it gives attitude and characterization, and also tells us that in this character's mind there is some unfinished business.

The first sentence of para. 2 feels like it has too many unecessary commas.

The sencence that begins "I am still trying to work out..." was a little confusing, but could be fixed with some formatting (see below). Also, I would switch "I am" to "I'm" because it fits better with the rest of this character's voice.

The sentence that begins "But the drunk that killed Mike..." repeats a lot of information from the paragraph's first sentence, thus wasting precious space. It is 15 words long, but only gives us 4 words of new information ("also took my dad"). Those four words feel very important, however. I get the sense that this is a particularly sore point for our MC. In that case, those words should really stand out, to show us how much they mean to the MC.

The last sentence could be confusing. The subject of most of this paragraph is the drunk, so the "he" in the last sentence feels more strongly tied to him, not the dad. It feels almost like this should start a new paragraph.

That last sentence also feels a little bit like a run-on. It could be broken into two, right after hurting.

I find it interesting that the MC refers to his mother as 'mother' but his father as 'dad'. Was that intentional? If so, it speaks to the nature of their relationships, suggesting the MC was closer to dad than mother. If that's what you meant, mission accomplished.

I just realized that I don't know if the MC is male or female. You don't necessarily have to include that in the opening (especially in first person narrative) but it would probably be useful fairly soon so we can picture him/her in our heads. I pictured the MC as male, and if I found out later that it was a girl, that would be jarring.

I'm certainly not telling you how to write your story, but to show you what I meant with some of my points, here's one way you could edit this opening:

quote:

---

The drunk driver that killed my brother and put my mother into a coma went to prison - Man's Justice, not God's - but it was a start. I'm still trying to work out how this was God's plan - if this was His plan - and I don't know if I'll ever sort it out.

And that drunk took my dad, too! Even though Dad's alive and breathing, he's also hating and hurting. He's as dead to me as if he'd been run over just like Mike and Mother.

---

Anyway, based on what you have, I would continue to read because I think there's strength here.

Hope this helps.

BTW, good catch on mother and Dad....he is actually closer to Mom, because Dad is pushing him away as the sole surviving child. He resents the MC, a 16-year old boy....and MC is trying hard to succeed, and please, in order to justify his need to exist....anyway, you guys are right on, and amazing, like I said...