Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » First 13 lines - The Halfplanes

   
Author Topic: First 13 lines - The Halfplanes
ChrisOwens
Member
Member # 1955

 - posted      Profile for ChrisOwens   Email ChrisOwens         Edit/Delete Post 
The "story" is "done". Currently, going back and revising. However, this opening is quite different than anything I've done. The story is in 3PL, but the first paragraph is 3PO. Too it opens in an almost presentational manner, rather than representional.

--------------------------------
The clashes with the halfplanes were bizarre enough, but even during a lull, the strangeness tiptoed in. Take Hamís new partner, for instance, with one hand clutching the wheel and the other fiddling with the rearview mirror six times a minute. Or Ham, who tried to ignore the mirrors altogether, while fighting a bout of vertigo. Something had happened to them. Something neither wanted to think about. In a way, itís funny how two people could react to same transformation, so alike and yet so opposite.

Ham knew the oddness had him again, that woozy fog, those silvery splotches across his memory. He cycled through all the tricks to battle it, straightening his back, forcing his spine to hover an inch from the passenger seat.


Posts: 1275 | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wbriggs
Member
Member # 2267

 - posted      Profile for wbriggs   Email wbriggs         Edit/Delete Post 
Are they in another plane, or a ground-based vehicle? Are they gunners, pilots? Are they seeking out halfplanes, or being attacked by them? Why are the clashes bizarre, and what's the strangeness that tiptoed in? I just can't picture what's happening, and don't know its significance.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kings_falcon
Member
Member # 3261

 - posted      Profile for kings_falcon   Email kings_falcon         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm not sure what's happening. I get glimmers of images but then the focus shifts before they really gel.

What is the lull between?

What is the strangeness?

What happened to them?

What transformation?

What oddness?

How does Ham know the oddness had him?

I'm just lost.


Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Survivor
Member
Member # 213

 - posted      Profile for Survivor   Email Survivor         Edit/Delete Post 
I don't think that the first paragraph really needs to be in omniscient...I wouldn't even have pegged it as omni if you hadn't said it was. After all, you refer to Ham by name and the other character is idenfied only by his relationship to Ham.

I think it's interesting enough to justify reading further.


Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thayerds
Member
Member # 3260

 - posted      Profile for thayerds   Email thayerds         Edit/Delete Post 
I kinda liked it, though it could be more clear. Mostly I'd like to read more, or even the whole thing. E-mail it and I will give you a crit.
Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2