A single cow stood in the field, gazing upon the rest of her herd lying stiff on the ground. She turned to the young man standing next to her, rubbed against him, lowed once more, and then fell to the ground dead.
Roi stared down at his friend. He crouched as a tear slid down one of the scars that decorated his face. She was already becoming cold beneath his hand.
“I’m sorry girl,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
The bushes at the end of the field rustled. Roi leapt to his feet, grasping his staff in fighting position.
Butler trotted out of the foliage and Roi relaxed.
“There you are, boy,” he scratched behind his dog’s ears, and nuzzled against his snout. “What took you so long, huh?”

Roi stared down at his friend. [WHO? OH, YOU MEAN THE COW. EASIER TO FOLLOW: ROI STARED DOWN AT THE COW.] He crouched as a tear slid down one of the scars that decorated his face. She was already becoming cold beneath his hand. [BOY, THAT WAS QUICK!]

“I’m sorry ***,*** girl,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

The bushes at the end of the field rustled. Roi leapt to his feet, grasping his staff in fighting position. [WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?]

Butler [WHO?] trotted out of the foliage and Roi relaxed.

“There you are, boy,” he scratched behind his dog’s ears, and nuzzled against his snout. “What took you so long, huh?”

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I see this as having some order-of-info issues. Give us in line one, probably, that it's Roi's POV. When Roi leaps to his feet with a staff, tell us right then why. When you introduce Butler, tell us what we need to know about him. "Butler, Roi's dog..."

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A single cow stood in the field, gazing upon the rest of her herd lying stiff on the ground. She turned to the young man standing next to her, rubbed against him, lowed once more, and then fell to the ground dead. ... She was already becoming cold beneath his hand.

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Cattle don't tend to literally drop dead like this. You had me laughing very hard at this description. I'm guessing that was not your intent. If the cow was that sick, I don't think she'd be focusing on the dead herd around her. She'd be looking at her sides or lowing in pain, and she'd probably already be lying on the ground. As it is, this reads like a perfectly healthy cow knows of her coming doom and is ('off camera') shot in the head or something. As wbriggs pointed out, the dead cow is cooling off way too quickly, too.

When the dog trots up and the guys asks him what took him so long, I imagined the next line was the dog saying, "I was mentally killing off all your cattle, you idiot! What did you think?" As in, your animals act too sentient for real animals, so I'm assuming the dog really will answer him. If this is what you meant to convey, then it's fine.

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When the dog trots up and the guys asks him what took him so long, I imagined the next line was the dog saying, "I was mentally killing off all your cattle, you idiot! What did you think?"

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Thanks for the critique.
I wasn't sure what to label the genre. Some kind of post-apocalyptic sci-fi, I guess.
I've rewrote the first 13, trying to make it more realistic (thanks Debbie), and to make sure I convey necessary info.

wbriggs- I wasn't sure if you actually felt the first paragraph was a great hook, or if that was sarcasm.

Here it is:

A single cow stood in the field, her eyes glazed over. She lowed once more as she collapsed.
Roi knelt down next to the animal he had tended since since his youth.
"I'm sorry, girl," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
He rested his hand on her side until he felt her last attempt at breathing. A tear slipped down his scarred face.
Roi gripped his staff with enough force to make his arm tremble. His attempts at saving this cow had been as helpless as his attempts to save the others. Failed treatments had shown him it was not a common disease, and Infection only affected people.
He would have to report to Typhoid Martin. Roi knew that if he
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I'm still not sure whether to keep the first paragraph. Should I try to adjust it so I introduce Roi? Or should I just start with Roi kneeling next to the dying cow?

I'm also not sure I can fit in all the info I want to into the first 13. I have to introduce Roi, introduce Butler (who is the dog), tell who Typhoid Martin is, and explain what Infection is. Is it all right if this runs past the 13 lines? Or do you think I've just heaped too much into one story?

[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited April 16, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 16, 2007).]

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A single cow stood in the field, her eyes glazed over. She lowed once [more as she could be replaced with: and] collapsed.
Roi knelt down next to the animal he had tended [since since<--two] his youth.
"I'm sorry, girl," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
He rested his hand on her side until he felt her last [attempt at breathing Just breath, I think.]. A tear slipped down his scarred face.
Roi gripped his staff with enough force to make his arm tremble. His attempts [What attempt? You didn't show or mention any ATTEMPT.] at saving this cow had been as [helpless or useless?] as [his attempts to save<--redundant] the others. Failed treatments[What treatments?] had shown him it was not a common disease, and [Infection<--no capital.] only affected people.[What do you mean it only affected people? Didn't you just illustrate it affecting cows? How come Roi isn't affected?]
He would have to report to Typhoid Martin[WHO?]. Roi knew that if he...

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Need more details...

I would be interested in reading.

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Hey Amy, go look at my first post. I had Debbie and InarticulateBabbler laughing out loud. I had to bite my lip quite hard before I was able to make myself see they were giving me good advice. ... So I've realized I'm not nearly as talented as most of the people here, but they d$%n well better believe I will be soon enough.

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After writing my critique, I started thinking that I should have kept quiet about the fact that the scene made me laugh. I was thoroughly impressed by how well you took the critique and how well you improved the description of the cow dying. If it makes you feel any better, the first time I put up a 13 lines (on another website) I had all four of my critiquers laughing at the image my description conjured up. I took the same attitude you did: I might not have the skill now, but you'd better believe that I will soon!

Until you mentioned it in the other thread, I didn't realize that it looked insulting to you. I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention. I find humor in everything, and I thought I made it clear what I found amusing. I hope that I have remedied that now.