Get your hook in the first 13. I was okay with it until the "This was one of Annabel's odder dreams" when I groaned. You might not be able to avoid opening with a dream and I liked that you told me that very close to the first line, but now you have to work 2x as hard to hook me.

All that being said, I could be hooked by this. Like IB said, it's interesting and well written but I need something more than a discussion about names to draw me further in.

Sniffily stuck out like a sore thumb to me. There are some who say that adverbs should be avoided at all costs. I know that they can be useful, but sometimes they're just extra words, or a shortcut a writer uses to avoid having to illustrate an emotion. Another reason sniffily stuck out is that it's in a sentence fragment, "A bit sniffly, to Annabel's way of thinking." Isn't a sentence (I added a comma, FYI, since it seemed to reflect the natural pause in thougtht.) Sentence fragments are done all the time in published works, but I'm particularly aware of them in the first few lines, and there are times when they work, times when they just don't. When paired with an odd non-word adverb (I don't think sniffily is in the dictionary, but I'm prepared to accept that I'm wrong. LOL) this phrase just really stuck out to me.

I mention this because when writing sticks out, well, it makes the reader notice the writer ("Oooh, look how clever this writer is!") and when the reader notices the writer, they forget about the characters and setting a little bit.

One possible suggestion is to put an action line (a "beat" according to the writers of Self Editing for Fiction Writers, a great writing book!) with the dragon's "said." e.g., "the dragon said with a snort." or even add a bit more visual detail "the dragon said as he let a curl of dark black smoke escape his nostrils."

If instead you're trying to show us a bit of Annabel's head and let us know her name (which is good to do early in the text!) - then another approach might be in order. Perhaps a full sentence completely in annabel's POV/head. "Annabel thought the dragon sounded rather haughty." The risk of doing this is that the next line, which is still dragon talking, might get confused because of the switch in POV: dragon talking - anabelle thinking - dragon talking. It can be done, you might just need another speaker attribution, maybe even a paragraph break.

Back to my adverb point - in the next line, you could drop the word "particularly" without losing any of the meaning. peculiar and odd both convey what you're getting at. And, nit, but the dragon isn't exactly a person, is it? ("peculiar conversations with particularly odd PEOPLE.")

You need a period inside the last dragon line (here --> intimacy.")

I'd suggest something more like "The Dragon dismissed her with a wave of a giant forepaw..." to get away from the word "languidly" which is another of those pesky adverbs, but not just because of that, but because it's one of those "rare" use words. It's such an unusual word, that it really sticks out in people's heads. I wish I could remember where I read it recently (anyone here remember? Odds are good it was from a link on a Hatrack post...) that unusual words have to be carefully managed in text because more than a few start to send up warning flares to the reader that the writer is trying to be clever and/or has a bigger vocabulary than the reader. Sometimes readers will abandon a text rather than try to figure out the meaning of the unusual words. Even if the reader knows the meaning, they might still dismiss the text because too many unusual words is ... off-putting? I really wish I could remember where I read this. I'll try to see if it's in one of the books on writing I've been reading. Sorry to offer a nit picky point and then fail to be able to back it up with any solid rationalization...feel free to completely disregard.

This story does get rather dark like the devils contract type of thing. I've tidied up the start to make it more hooky, but I don't think it has worked. It is really a conversation sort of thing. Maybe it needs to go in the good idea but not going to work bin.
Thanks heaps li
ARRRRRGH it's always so much easier to fix other peoples writing. I think the writing god is punishing me...urk!!!

"Perhaps", said the dragon from a dark corner "you should worship me as a god"
Annabel raised an eyebrow "Perhaps you should tell me your name first"
"Dragon's don't have names," The dragon sniffed, turning its face further into the darkness. "They don't need them, dragons know who they are."
Annabel figured her mind, fuelled by a diet of sleeping pills and anti depressants was creating a very peculiar fantasy.
"Anyhow", the Dragon continued, sounding rather put out. "You're the only person I ever get to talk to these days. What would I need with a name with only one person to talk to?"
" It would let us get better acquainted," said Annabel.

[This message has been edited by Lianne (edited May 26, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Lianne (edited May 26, 2007).]