Billy Hackbarth had decided long ago that if he was going to become a vampire he couldn’t shy away from killing people. His first and only killing had been a cashier in Saint Louis, a small man with blue pants and a permanently wrinkled nose. Billy had come up behind him while he was stocking little overpriced cans of tomato soup and pushed him, hard, just to mess with him. He hadn’t meant to kill the guy and it pissed him off now. He had wanted to plan the first one really smart like Hannibal Lector or Jeffrey Dahmer, not almost get caught in a stupid prank that crushed some old prick’s larynx right in front of a convenience store video camera.

This is an unfinished short story I had begun to write in response to a compitition (i think it was Writers Digest "short, short story" contest.) I have since thought i should attempt to finish it. Horror is not my usual style, however i had an idea which i thought might be interesting to explore. It is about 4 and a half pages single spaced, (so far) and i'd be happy to e-mail it to anyone who would want to reveiw it for me. I had wanted to wait longer before posting it but i got to excited. Please let me know if the content is to much for the forum and i'll remove it immediately, however, these days i figured the use of that one word would only rate a PG - 13 ... please educate me if i am mistaken.

Some first thoughts...

I know the voice is passive. Tenses and POV probably need to be worked on a little, however the story does transision into the present tense eventually. The POV is tricky too... Is there such a thing as omnipreset first person? hehe

thank you for your time.

jonner

PS, yes, the title is a statement from a well known writer, but i don't think it's to popular, should i have a disclaimer or should it remain an obscure factiod? Also, i've read OSC's character and viewpoint, which i loved, its just been many years. :-)

ps. evedently blank lines count in the 13. this makes no sense to me, but i've just cut it at the first paragraph then.

[This message has been edited by jonner (edited May 26, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by jonner (edited May 26, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by jonner (edited May 26, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 27, 2007).]

I really don't know what else to say exactly.

I like the first sentence except for "long ago" it places too much emphasis on everyone knowing about vampires and even contemporary vamp mythos doesn't have Lestat et al living completely in the open.

First and only conflicts with your "not shy about it" line.

Your use of the word "was" for two different tenses need to be adjusted. I'd recommend moving the word "now" to the beginning of the third sentence to ensure the reader distinguishes between past and present.

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The POV is tricky too... Is there such a thing as omnipreset first person? hehe

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Since this is written in third person, I'm now sure where you're getting first from?

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Billy Hackbarth had decided long ago that if he was going to become a vampire he couldn’t shy away from killing people. His first [one and only would be better]and only killing had been a cashier in Saint Louis, a small man with blue pants and a permanently wrinkled nose. Billy had come up behind him while he was stocking little overpriced cans of tomato soup and pushed him, hard, just to mess with him. He hadn’t meant to kill the guy and it pissed him off now.[I think you're concentrating too much on this man he killed, which isn't important really] He had wanted to plan the first one really smart like Hannibal Lector or Jeffrey Dahmer, not almost get caught in a stupid prank that crushed some old prick’s larynx right in front of a convenience store video camera.

Billy’s hair was short and bleached blond back in Saint Louis. That seemed long ago, but it had only been two years. His hair was black and grey and matted now, nearly reaching his shoulders. [This could be said more succintly. Bleached infers blond and there is too much imformation again about something that doesn't seem important to the story] St. Louis was where Ginger [Who's Ginger - girlfriend, sister, friend? Who?] had left, claiming she was going to find “them.” At first Billy had thought she was kidding...

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You're trying to tell us things we don't need to know, instead of telling us what he is doing NOW. If its important to the story, then have this imformation further in. This doesn't hook me as it is. I have no idea what you're telling us or why. What's the conflict in this story - as yet, we have none.

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Billy Hackbarth had decided long ago[,] that if he was going to become a vampire[,] he couldn’t shy away from killing people. [His first and only killing had been a cashier in Saint Louis[,<--end sentence here.] [a small man with blue pants and a permanently wrinkled nose.<--needed? I think the story progresses well enough without the excess description of a minor character.] Billy had come up behind him while he was stocking [little overpriced<--needed?] cans of tomato soup and pushed him, hard[,<--End the sentence here. Suggestion: He'd only wanted] to mess with him. [He hadn’t meant to kill the guy and<--This is redundant, if he'd only wanted to mess with the guy. I]t pissed him off[,] now. He [had<--needed?] wanted [to plan<--needed?] the first one really smart[,] like Hannibal Lector or Jeffrey Dahmer, not almost get caught in a stupid prank that crushed some old prick’s larynx[,] right in front of a convenience store video camera.

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I like this. I get, by the way he kills the guy, that he's got superhuman strength? I was a bit thrown off by the convenience store video, which I read as "convenient video" (as in ironic, you see), but if nobody else has this problem just ignore me.

This phrase sounds weird

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He hadn’t meant to kill the guy and it pissed him off now

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He hadn't meant to kill the guy and it had bugged him ever since.
Is this what you mean?
Or,
He hadn't meant to kill the guy and now he realized what a bad mistake that was.

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Billy Hackbarth had decided long ago that if he was going to become a vampire he couldn’t shy away from killing people. His first and only killing had been a cashier in Saint Louis, a small man with blue pants and a permanently wrinkled nose. Billy had come up behind him while he was stocking little overpriced cans of tomato soup and pushed him, hard, just to mess with him. He hadn’t meant to kill the guy and it pissed him off now. He had wanted to plan the first one really smart like Hannibal Lector or Jeffrey Dahmer, not almost get caught in a stupid prank that crushed some old prick’s larynx right in front of a convenience store video camera.

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You and others have already pointed out the difficulties, so I'll say what I liked from a quick read-through.

-The very first sentence. That he somehow decided how he was going to deal with vampirism is a refreshing twist from the usual mortal-made-vampire, who's had little chance to plan and is thrust into the nocturnal world unawares. That Billy has some kind of pre-existing, level-headed philosophy about it gets me interested in Billy, and especially the circumstances surrounding his vampirism.

-The dashes of characterization for the clerk - blue pants, permanently wrinkled nose - work well; succinct, but they give us enough of an image of this person to care a little about what befell him.

-That he had high aspirations to be like Hannibal & Co. but botched it up on the first try is entertaining - and that he did it in front of a video store camera, no less? I want to know where that goes, so I'd read on.

I think this has the elements of a good first 13 lines. It's a scene as much as it is a reminiscence which already gives us some hard and fast character background and flavor on Billy, and it outlines his situation and the feel of the rest of the book.

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Billy Hackbarth had decided long ago that if he was going to become a vampire he couldn’t shy away from killing people. ....where Ginger had left, claiming she was going to find “them.” At first Billy had thought she was kidding...

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