Anyway, I'm always curious how people's stories have turned out. If you're not, skip! I won't mind at all.

==Final(ish) 13 for The Clone Problem ==
Katarina’s glass had stopped inches from her lips. “You want me to do what?” The incredulity was apparent on her face even without the raised eyebrows and furrowed brow. “Listen, Randy…”

“Rodney.”

“Whatever,” she said with a flick of her hand as she set her glass back on the table. “Why on earth do you think I would want another of me around? One of me is plenty.”

“Well, I can see this has taken you by surprise, I apologize.” Rodney flashed her a salesman’s grin that was more teeth than lips. “I understand, of course, that you’ll need time to think about it. But first, I thought you would be interested in this list of cloning benefits we’ve developed for you."

===
Hurray! Story is finished. Just over 4000 words. I'm now looking for readers - anyone interested? I'm looking for a fast turnaround (2-3 days if at all possible.) I may still need longer-term readers, I'll holler if so.

BIG HUGE thanks to debhoag who gave me some sparkly ideas for the ending.

===
Not finished. Aiming for 5-7k. Working through some details of the plot/storyline right now, my weak spot. Need some confirmation on story start, though, so I'm giving a trial to this 13 (I've played with a lot of different story starts for this story, but this one *feels* right, at long last.)

The background you need: Katarina is a hollywood starlet who has allowed herself to be cloned. She's using the clone as a convenience (double-booking herself, for instance) but meanwhile, the clone is starting to cause her grief.

The "been on this planet 10 days" refers to the clone's activation date. All that's really relevant is that the clone was activated recently - 10 days isn't particularly meaningful.

I want to get this darn thing finished this weekend, so I will need readers in the near future. I also need to know if this is an interesting enough start, if you get a sense for the MC and her publicist, if the clone concept is too cliche, etc.

Nits I'm obsessing about: Should the Ferrari be smouldering in the ravine, or is the way I lead into it fine? I know nothing of these cars - is 750k the right figure? Something a self-absorbed starlet who makes 15M/picture would own? Any comment on the swearword in the second line? I wasn't sure of protocol here so I opted for a bleeped-out one, but I plan to use the proper curse in my story. Will that cause me problems, you think? Thought it was important because it shows you something of the MC's venom with regard to the clone. Maybe there's a better/more subtle way? Thoughts appreciated.

Thanks in advance!!

===
Katarina stood on the edge of the scrub-covered ravine, hands on her hips. “I am going to kill that b&^!#.” She muttered.

Her publicist, Marcus, ever present at her elbow, gave a sympathetic sniff. “Well, we knew there were risks, I suppose.” He said.

“Bull!” Katarina said. “She’s only been on this planet 10 days and she’s already managed to wreck a $750,000 Ferrari. How did she get the keys anyway?” Katarina wheeled around to stare Marcus down. The former model towered over his 5’6” frame, although he easily had 50 pounds on her. 55 if she’d purged herself lately.

“Don’t look at me, boss.” Marcus started to edge back to

[This message has been edited by KayTi (edited June 15, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by KayTi (edited June 25, 2007).]

Problems with syntax:

"Hands on her hips," I found this weird that you would take the time to make notice of this, and in such a way that it pops out at the reader. Because you make such notice of her hands on her hips, I of course expect there will be a good reason for this later in the story.

"Katarina wheeled around," Are her legs wheels, be careful the reader might take this literally, and you might want them too. I'm just confused, because she has hips, but wheels around...

"The former model towered over his 5'6" frame," change of POV here, and is this needed?

Does this hook me?

No, it doesn't, and here are my reasons: First I have no idea whats going on, second your title prepares me for a futurist war, but the first thirteen give me something from a, for lack of words, cosmopoliton magazine.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to be honest with you, and this is only my opinion.

There do seem to be some point of view problems, but they aren't horrible, in my opinion.

Example:
"55 if she’d purged herself lately."

Funny. I chuckled. But, I wondered if this was the narrator's or Marcus' thought?

Just where you write:
"The former model towered over his 5’6” frame"

I wasn't sure at first which one was the former model since you ended the previous sentence with talking about her turning to Marcus. Maybe if you changed it to something about her looking down on him (that has both literal and figurative meanings in this case).

It is semi-interesting to me. I may read on for at least a little bit to find out who the "she" is who crashed the car - I assume it is the clone, but would like to know that very soon (if not already) - and what the "risks" were that they knew they were taking.

I think that you should nix all of the numbers in the story, first thing. Regardless how much the car was worth, $750,000, $250,000, a hojillion dollars, she's wreched a Ferrari. Mentioning the fact that it's a Ferrari makes the same point that the dollar amount makes - this is an expensive car. It's not like she could have wrecked a cheap Ferrari. Similarily, the fact that Kat towers over Marcus is sufficient - mentioning that he's 5'6" isn't necessary, because we can all assume a model is tall, and if she towers over him, he is likely a fair few inches short of six feet. The mention of weight is likewise redundant and can be handled more effectively by using our imaginations - mention that Marcus is stocky and the differential in weight is implied. Using the numbers is only important if you're married to the joke about purging.

“She’s only been on this planet 10 days..." doesn't make me think clone, it makes me thing alien. Has she been on another planet this whole time and is just now arriving on Earth? I know she's a clone because you told me outside of the story. Something like "She stepped out of the cloning chamber 10 days ago" or "She's only been alive for 10 days" would be better (not that those two examples are the cats pajamas, but you get my drift I assume).

The curse is fine. If your character is the type to curse, don't censor yourself for fear of offending anyone. I didn't get that she was particulatly mad at whoever had wrecked the car, though, just that she's the type of girl who can and will swear when the situation calls for it. Hatred or true distase for someone else isn't really show-able in one line. If this is Kat's POV (and I assume it is notwithstanding the inconsistencies mentioned by others) then a few extra lines either off the top or later when they first encounter each other will get that point across. Also, "I'm going to kill that b&%$#..." is a little cliche, so it loses some effectiveness there.

Decent so far, and with a good hook. I'd read further. Keep working on it.

Jayson Merryfield

Crap - one more edit. I'm going to disagree with Grijalva on two points. One, "hands on her hips" is good (though not out-of-this-world) showing. It gives me a better feeling for her mood as she looks down on the wreckage of her car. If you had expressed her anger/frustration with an adverb after she muttered, you would have weakened the opening. It is a good image of what she is feeling without telling me what she is feeling. Two, "Katriana wheeled around" didn't once make me think she had wheels for feet any more than I thought she has removed her hands from her arms and placed them on her hips Mrs. Potato-style, or that Marcus was literally fixed to her elbow because you mention that he was ever present. Sometimes we take things a little too literally as readers.

[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 15, 2007).]

quote:

---

Katarina stood on the edge of the scrub-covered ravine, hands on her hips. “I am going to kill that b&^!#.” She muttered.

Her publicist, Marcus, ever present at her elbow, gave a sympathetic sniff. “Well, we knew there were risks, I suppose.” He said.

---

This all sounds like it's coming from Katarina's POV. I got that the 'hands on hips' was body language showing anger. It didn't 'pop out at me' or seem especially significant to me like it did to Grijalva. Maybe you could re-write it as "Katarina stood on the edge of the scrub-covered ravine with her hands on her hips" or some-such to make it flow as a part of the sentence rather than set apart by a comma. You could drop the "He said" at the end of the second paragraph since we know it's him speaking.

quote:

---

“Bull!” Katarina said. “She’s only been on this planet 10 days and she’s already managed to wreck a $750,000 Ferrari. How did she get the keys anyway?” Katarina wheeled around to stare Marcus down.

---

"Katarina wheeled around..." initially made me think that she's in a wheelchair. The next sentence (about her 'towering') made it clear to me that this was figurative. Also, the above still seems to be in Katarina's POV, but then you suddenly switch POV to Marcus with:

quote:

---

The former model towered over his 5’6” frame, although he easily had 50 pounds on her. 55 if she’d purged herself lately.

“Don’t look at me, boss.” Marcus started to edge back to

---

I'm just a tad confused about why Marcus is physically backing off since we've had no hit yet that she's 'dangerous' to him. Maybe have her get in his face?

I like the characters and the tone of the story. I'm fine with there being clones, but I'm a bit vague on how a clone only ten days in existence is mature/large enough to drive a car let alone has been let out of the lab. Even if there was some 'quick growth until adult' process for the clones, even that would take a few days to work. (Now my mind is churning on just how they manage to get a clone that looks absolutely like the gal up to the exact age along with her scars and environmental skin imperfections and such that occurred during Katarina's growing up years, and so on.) I have no idea about the Ferrari. About the swear word, I don't think that word is too terribly bad, but it may be better to say, "she cursed" than to actually write out the curse.

Another nit: If the clone is in the car down in the ravine, isn't she dead? So how can Kat 'kill' her? Oh, just re-read. It's not clear that there's a car in the ravine from the story itself.

Good luck on revisions.

My nits:

quote:

---

Katarina stood on the edge of the scrub-covered ravine, hands on her hips. “I am going to kill [her][,].” She muttered.

---

And this only because I feel MORE sense of her dangerous attitude when she mutters it that way.

and:

quote:

---

Her [ever-present] publicist, Marcus,[deleted] gave a sympathetic sniff. “Well, we knew there were risks [to cloning], I suppose.” He said

---

would clarify much.

I'll be happy to give it a read, when you feel you've gotten that far.

quote:

---

Katarina stood on the edge of the scrub-covered ravine, hands on her hips. “I am going to kill that b&^!#.” She muttered. <-- I think "she muttered" is extraneous, here. We already know Katarina owns the dialogue because of the first sentence. "Muttered" doesn't really add much for me.

The first sentence gives as character and setting. "Hands on hips" gives us mood, somewhat. It's not critical, though. It could be cut, but it I don't feel it needs to be cut.

Her publicist, Marcus, ever present at her elbow, gave a sympathetic sniff. “Well, we knew there were risks, I suppose.” He said. If you're looking for cuts, "ever present at her elbow" isn't really necessary. We can assume a publicist is generally nearby--or we can learn it from the story. But I don't think we need to be told right now. Personally, I'm not sure what a "sympathetic sniff" would be.

“Bull!” Katarina said. “She’s only been on this planet 10 days and she’s already managed to wreck a $750,000 Ferrari. How did she get the keys anyway?” Katarina wheeled around to stare Marcus down. The former model towered over his 5’6” frame, although he easily had 50 pounds on her. 55 if she’d purged herself lately. This is where I think it starts to feel clumsy. Personally, I always write number out. "Ten days." I think most people understand what "wheeled" means in a literary work, but if you feel it might be misunderstood, "spun" might work better. The discussion on height and weight does nothing for me this early in the story. I'm looking for a conflict and a character I can identify with.

“Don’t look at me, boss.” Marcus started to edge back to

---

I agree that "on this planet" sounds more like an alien. "Alive ten days" would work.

There is a bit of a hook here. How much of a hook you want is up to you.

One thing I would advice caution over is the character. People want to like the POV character. If she's a model, stuck-up and vain, there won't be much empathy. I don't know if she is those things right now, so I'm just being cautionary. I guess something kind of made me feel she might turn out that way, but I'm not sure what. Maybe I just dislike models? Maybe it was her fixation with prices, height and weight?

Grijalva - thanks for taking the time to give your input. I am going to clean up some of the phrasing that will I think address some of your points. I also plan to retitle (see below comment to IB.)

Wolfe-boy, thanks for the suggestion to do away with all the numbers. I think others hinted at the problems with them, but your post nailed that the numbers are just mucking things up. I'm sure I can axe them and still have meaningful stuff there (though I might keep the 5 lbs/purge joke in there because it partly sets up the self-absorbed starlet's personality. Have to figure out how to do it from her POV, but that shouldn't be too hard - she knows she purges sometimes.)

IB - I should have mentioned this is a working title. I'm not married to it, though I'm also not particularly concerned about the George Lucas thing. I'd like to use the word "clone" in the title since it's no secret that's what the story is about. The play off w/wars was funny since of course it's just two women fighting, no real wars (and no clones, actual or imagined, were harmed during the writing of this...LOL) but there's likely a better title out there. I welcome brainstorms!

Verloren - I do what you ask in the next paragraph or two, so - phew. But also some of these comments will help me clean up the opening so that it is clearer from the get-go.

debbie - I'm going to have to make it clear that the car is crashed, but the clone is fine. unharmed. not nearly freaked out enough about wrecking a ferrari, now that you mention it. I have a few lines that gloss over those technology blips you mention- basically that there exist growth accelleration and memory download capabilities. The scar thing I hadn't thought of - I think that may be an interesting trick to be able to tell clone/d apart - a childhood scar on the source, not the clone. Hmm....

Lehollis - I'm going to have to think more about the likability of the character. Right now, she's not all that likable, but the premise is that it changes as the story progresses, and she and the clone go from adversaries to allies and "fight the bad guys" (publicists and paparazzi) together. However, yes, she starts out as an annoying twit. I think I'll ask about this in the open discussion on writing forum, because it is an interesting question - how do you write unlikable main characters in a way that makes people connect or at least remain interested until the character changes?

If you read the intro/context-setting I did, I mentioned in my "Nits I'm Obsessing About" paragraph that I opted for a bleeped out curse word here because I wasn't sure the real thing would be appropriate given this is a public board. My story text has the real one, however given the feedback here, I am reconsidering its use.

quote:

---

Of course, I'm a newbie here, and don't know the rules. But to offer context to the reader of your 13 lines seems to violate the explanation of why you are limited to 13 lines -- that 13 lines is all the first reader is apt to see, unless you hook the reader with just those 13 lines and nothing more.

---

1) No, it doesn't violate the explanation. An idea (which a summary is equal to) cannot be coprighted; printed prose can.

2) A reader, even one in a bookstore, can glance at the first couple of pages. They are not limited to 13 lines. And, they also get a cover that's meant to sell them, a hook/blurb on the back, comments from other readers.

If you want to ignore the set-up, go for it. You may. If you -- or another author -- wants to give a little bit of summary to let you know what you're reading, they absolutely can.

Partly it's because it's good discipline to be able to communicate your hook and story setup in 13 lines. However, my understanding is that it's mostly to protect us as writers and protect the electronic rights for our work. Posting only 13 lines in a public forum doesn't compromise our ability to sell the electronic rights to our stories in the future. Posting more than 13 might. 13 were selected since they are what typically appears before the first page break in a book. Posting summaries/explanations/context-setting doesn't, since summaries are a separate animal.

Why only 13 lines:
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000001.html

and Making use of Fragments and Feedback area:
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000002.html

Both of which are found in the "Please Start Here" section at the top of this board.

Debbie - I am in the midst of considering a somewhat major rewrite right now based on feedback and my own gut feel about the piece, so let me see if I get that done first, and then perhaps you can be a version 2 reader for me (by which point I would need less detailed feedback hopefully!)

What changes over time is the model names. There was a Ferrari Dino, named after one of Mister Ferrari's sons. There's a Ferrari Maranello, named after where they're made in Italy - and place names are common as model names.

So, depending on your future world, maybe a Ferrari Betelgeuse, or a Ferrari BioD. Or if in your future there's a Ferrari grandson called Fred, maybe even a Ferrari Fred!

If you need readers, I'd be interested in offering a critique.

Well yes ... but it's a nice wreck.

But on a slightly serious point: isn't it true that with name choices the writer can choose to add texture to the milieu?

So if it survives the rewrite, and if it's a Ferrari perhaps that tells us that this is an age where eccentric individualism still survives; if it's a Hummborghini that might tell us that in this world corporate identity trumps good taste.