posted
This is the beginning of a fantasy story I began two or three years ago and for some reason never finished. I'd like to do that now. It's currently at 1,447 words. I don't have a planned final word count but it could possibly be as many as 10,000. Here's the first thirteen.
The warm breeze blew the scent of flowers across the open land. The trees rustled with a new leaves, and perched high in the sparsely foliaged branches a small bird twittered as though to encourage the morning sun to amble idly across the cloud peppered sky. It felt like spring had finally arrived. They had waited a tiresome period for the earth to waken and sprout forth the beginning of new life. Just as Carmelita less than seven turnings of the earth had given birth to the baby boy. He lay now, shrouded in soft cloth, cradled in the comfort and safety of the crudely made wooden trough, unawares of the beauty and nascence that unfurled across the once barren land of Telluria. Many had come to witness this precious event, the first to occur in many cycles.
posted
I'm vaguely interested. The birth of a child is a rare event? That'll hook me there, but you're going to have to follow it up with something decent to get me to read much further than a page or two.
My issue is with your writing style. It feels like you're trying to impress me with your writing, when you should be trying to impress me with your story. Example: "The trees rustled with a new leaves, and perched high in the sparsely foliaged branches a small bird twittered as though to encourage the morning sun to amble idly across the cloud peppered sky." 34 words, to basically say "A bird sat in a nearby tree, greeting the newly risen sun with a song as it sat among the fresh green buds of spring" in 25 words.
There are a few typos/grammar errors that confuse me as well. Just as Carmelita less than seven turnings of the earth had given birth to the baby boy is confusing. Also, who is Carmelita? What POV are we seeing here? I'm still getting the feeling that you're trying to impress me with your writing. Dial that back a little bit and give me just a little more story.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 26, 2007).]
posted
Ya, there is a hint of a hook here, but only a hint. The information provided could wait until later - let's get to the issure or at least in that direction.
"...less than seven turnings of the earth..." Anything wrong with just telling us "She had given birth five days ago..." or something similar?
The last three lines seem to go in the direction of a story, but what precedes it is extraneous and really does not advance the story.
posted
The warm breeze blew the scent of flowers across the open land. The trees rustled with a(TAKE OUT THE A) new leaves, and perched high in the sparsely foliaged branches (COMMA?) a small bird twittered as though to encourage the morning sun to amble idly across the cloud(HYPHEN) peppered sky. It felt like spring had finally arrived. They had waited a tiresome period for the earth to waken and sprout forth the beginning of new life. Just as Carmelita less than seven turnings (I THINK YOU COULD FIX THIS WITH MINIMAL CHANGE IF YOU SAID "JUST AS CARMELITA LESS THAN SEVEN TURNINGS AGO HAD GIVEN BIRTH) of the earth had given birth to the baby boy. He (THE BABY?) lay now, shrouded (SHROUDED IMPLY DEATH-SHROUD TO ANYONE ELSE? SWADDLED OR WRAPPED?) in soft cloth, cradled in the comfort and safety of the crudely made wooden trough (OKAY, TROUGH SOUNDS LIKE HE'S DINNER, MAYBE, CRUDELY SHAPED CRADLE BOARD?) unawares (NO S ON UNAWARE) of the beauty and nascence (i'M THINKING NASCENCE IS INCOMPLETE, BUT i'M NOT SURE WHY - SHOULD BE FOLLOWED BY THE OBJECT IT MODIFIES? NASCENT LIGHT?) that unfurled across the once barren land of Telluria. Many had come to witness this precious event, the first to occur in many cycles.
I like the language, just make sure you use it well. Flowerly and flowing can be really beautiful and create a great mood. Have fun with the thesaurus! And I would be delighted to read when you're ready.
posted
I'm sorry, but this is an almost classic example of bad writing -- the kind of thing professors in college writing classes mark C because they never give any grade lower than a C. There is a good chance that you are a better writer now. My recommendation is to forget about this, and begin a new story. (If you want me to comment in detail, I will, but I would feel kind of mean doing so.)
posted
When I open a book to the first page the last thing I’m interested in is the weather, the landscape and the birds and flowers. I want to skip ahead to where something is happening -- even when it’s Hemingway.
However, I think the suggested paragraph will make a very nice follow up to a more enticing opener.
Who or what is Carmelita? I took it that "she" was less than 7 years old when she had a child and that the birth of this child is a special event. I also think that his birth is what caused the "spring."
If his birth is special, why is he in a "crudely made trough" and not a finer one?
Time references escape me - I thought "seven turnings of the earth" was equivalant to seven years but then you reference "cycles" which also seems to mean years. Either one I would have assumed were "years" but to use them both the context they are used is confusing.
I'd suggest holding the scenery until a bit later. Maybe start with the second section and weave the rebirth of the land in with the reference to the "once barren land" so I have a context to appreciate the miricle.
With reordering and some Robot Monkeys for fun:
Carmelita, the child priestess of the Robot Monkey King, had given birth to the baby boy. Shrouded <-- swaddled is probably better if you don't want to imply he's dead. This --> is probably unnecessary in soft cloth, cradled in the crudely made wooden trough, he was unaware of the beauty that unfurled across the once barren land of Telluria because of his coming.
Many Evil Robot Monkey friars had come to witness this precious event, the first to occur in many cycles.
*****
I could live with the description before the "many had come" now because I know how it is connected to the story. It's not just scenery. It's an event all to itself.
You are very description heavy which would be fine for a Milieu peice but not for a Idea, Character or Event one. If you are a Milieu story the writing has to be beautiful and clear.
Try to streamline your images and sort out the time references and then you'd have me.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 27, 2007).]
posted
Thanks guys. The beginning does need a serious sort out. I used to get stuck on the flowery sort of writing - and yes, I've gotten over that now!
kings_falcon - yes, you got it that the spring and the birth are connected. I guess that was the point I was trying to get across. I also think I probably get that point across in the dialogue that follows next so it's not really needed is it.
posted
I have no problem with flowery writing or with long descriptions of scenery. Both are important mood-setting techniques. It is in how they're used.
For example, if you're going to give me a long description of birds twittering, don't tell me its spring. If you're going to tell me its spring, then tell me what kind of spring, and skip the leaves.
I liked what you were going for, namely, to set up a scene/mood in which you see that it is spring, connect that to the emotional beauty/joy of birth. It has a zooming effect, the world outside to tiny baby in crib feel. I like that.
I thought one way you can introduce the "importance" of the baby is through the use of a prophecy, or rumor. Tell me why the other people are excited or know about the birth, or what kinds of rumors are spreading about the baby and then zoom into the actual birth scene. Anticipation, pain, joy, etc. Then it has a zooming effect without using the scenery stuff (which, indeed, can be boring unless well applied).
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