No, not my biography. That's the title. I'll take any cheerleading you care to give, but I'm really presenting the first 13 for critique. The normal questions apply.
Any comments on the first 13? Is there a hook? And would you offer to read the whole thing? Length is about 6350 words.
Additionally: Present tense, good or bad? If you think its bad, please expand on why. ----
Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik sits on his sofa watching Gina’s tight jeans leave. He sits back, relaxed in his boxer shorts. It’s been a satisfying evening. The slam that startles him into sitting upright isn’t from the door. A book drops from nowhere onto the table in front of him. It’s a foot square and more than an inch thick. “Biography” is embossed in its leather cover. Dust curls from its edges, or is that smoke? Warren touches it gingerly, then opens it. It’s empty – every page blank. He writes his name at the top of the first page. That’s his habit with every notebook he uses on the job and every novel on his shelves. He sits back wondering what he’ll do with a big empty book. A line of print slowly darkens in the center of that first page – “The Life of Warren Straznik.”
[This message has been edited by JeffBarton (edited July 25, 2007).]
posted
I like it. The reaction to the book suddenly appearing seemed pretty nonchalant/unlikely, but the hook is strong. I thought of Alvin Smith lugging a gold plow over his shoulder in a poke. Will your character lug it around for reference?
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited July 24, 2007).]
posted
cool! you know i'll read. only nit is why does he just accept that he has a new notebook? he's not freaked out?
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
It's a great start and there's definitely a hook. I'd like to read more if you would like readers.
On structure: I'm a bit surprised he doesn't have his WTF?! moment before picking the book up and writing his name in it.
Nits:
How can I put this delicately ... I don't exactly watch the jeans when a pretty girl leaves the room, although granted that's all that's usually on show :-(
There's a 'sits', 'sits' and 'sitting' in the first four sentences. And I suspect the 'satisfying evening' sentence is redundant, we can get that from his watching the jeans.
"The slam that startles him into sitting upright isn’t from the door. " The 'sitting upright' detail, for me, kinda detracts from the slam and the thought that it's not the door; maybe it's not needed or could be put later?
"He writes his name at the top of the first page. That’s his habit with every notebook he uses on the job and every novel on his shelves. " I'm guessing, but apparently the book knows stuff, so wouldn't it know his name too? If the plot doesn't fall apart without this 'writing his name' detail, maybe drop it, let him see the print appear and then have his WTF?! moment?
"A book drops " By now he's heard the slam and he's collecting his wits, so, "A book has dropped " ? Sorry, a really nitty nit - which occured to me when I was wondering about the use of present tense. For me it works, but then again I am happpily and adverbially not much of a one for formal rules.
quote:Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik sits on his sofa watching Gina’s tight jeans leave. He sits back, relaxed in his boxer shorts. It’s been a satisfying evening. The slam that startles him into sitting upright isn’t from the door. A book drops from nowhere onto the table in front of him. It’s a foot square and more than an inch thick. “Biography” is embossed in its leather cover. Dust curls from its edges, or is that smoke?
He's watching her tight jean's leave? I stumbled on this, but I think I got it. I got the impression of lust and desire, not love. I also liked the contrast between tight jeans and boxer shorts (which are generally loose.) It's almost like a statement on their personalities.
I think maybe "The slam that startles him into sitting upright isn’t from the door. A book drops from nowhere" might work better as something like "A slam startles him into sitting upright. It isn't the door." It feels more active that way, to me.
quote:Warren touches it gingerly, and then opens it. It’s empty – every page blank. He writes his name at the top of the first page. That’s his habit with every notebook he uses on the job and every novel on his shelves. He sits back wondering what he’ll do with a big empty book. A line of print slowly darkens in the center of that first page – “The Life of Warren Straznik.”
Even with the explanation, the act of writing his name still feels a little disjointed. I still felt I didn't understand why. In addition, if this book truly came from nowhere, it seemed odd that he's wondering what to do with a big empty book, instead of thinking, "What the hell?"
I'm not sure about the name, Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik. It's good that you're telling us his title, so we understand he's some kind of police officer, a detective. At the same time, he's not on the job. He seems to be lounging at home. So it seems unlikely he's thinking of himself as Detective Sergeant.... I know it's generally good to do a full name in an opening, though. To me, it's kind of a draw. Tough call. (Maybe give us his title when he writes his name on the first page?) Anyway, it's probably good but it kind of slowed me down in the context of a home setting when I got that far.
Present Tense: Your choice, I'd say. I think more authors use it these days, so you could probably get away with it. My advice is to ask a) what does it add to the story; and b) what does it take away from the story? For me, it didn't slow me down any.
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited July 25, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited July 25, 2007).]
posted
I am curious, have you ever heard of the term "The Impossible Thing Before Breakfast?" It is a reference used in some circles to refer to a story/setting that treats the fantastical as the mundane. Sort of like "I got up, brushed my teeth, constructed a life-size replica of the earth using papier-mâché, and ate breakfast."
The way "Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik" reacts to a book appearing out of nowhere implies that he lives in a world where the Impossible Thing happens before breakfast. These sort of stories can work but I would recommend paying close attention to suspension of disbelief. As it is, a book suddenly appearing is a little too much, even if it is The Impossible Thing. Indeed, it makes me wonder if Gina's tight jeans were acting independently of Gina.
As such, I would recommend building up to the mysterious appearance of the book a little more; imply (with more than ambulatory pants) that the reader should be expecting something odd to happen. It would also help to give "Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik" a way to explain the unusual event (was he dozing? looking in the opposite direction? did the locomotive leg wear usually leave things behind?) to himself. Humans have a wonderful ability to see phenomenal things and convince themselves that it was perfectly normal.
On a side note, I would also recommend shortening the character’s name/title. Warren Straznik is a mouthful itself. To be fair, however, I also generally favor shorter first introductions than longer ones; give me the name that you want a character to be remembered by and I am good to go.
posted
I like it. I like Gina's pants. I'm not convinced someone would write his name in a book that appears out of nowhere. You try to justify that, but it sounds like you are trying to justify something, it does not sound convincing, and I think you know it doesn't sound convincing. Aside from that, good start.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
I agree with pretty much all of the feedback you got here.
"Warren Straznik" is a great name, but "Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik" is a little much to take in. I like Gina's pants, but they're a little jarring. "The slam that startles him into sitting upright isn't from the door" is, too. Also, it doesn't work with "A book drops", because that sounds like the slam happens before the book drops -- not a nit at all, but a real problem, because it forces you to think about the writing instead of the story events. And yes, despite all that, I'm hooked.
I don't mind present tense. Based on a very narrow sampling of some of the major markets, they will publish it but not much of it -- whether that's because they get so few good present-tense submissions or because they don't like it, I don't know.
posted
Edited to mention that I appreciate the cheerleading and the critiques.
lehollis nailed it. I have the full title in there to show that he defines himself by the job and he is on the job even at home. On page 2, he brought the job home and went to work on it instead of joining Gina in the shower. Later on page 2, we find out just when we need to that Gina is his boss. He's on the job.
The jeans move in strict conformance with Gina's posterior, hence his interest in them. He's objectified her and their relationship is casual and physical.
Slam - book drop order -- see below
Writing his name is key to the plot. He'll have to wait until he gets that idea before the second WTF moment.
Straznik is Czech for 'cop' - yes I'm one of those who likes to use names that mean something. Steet toughs come closest to calling him a translation of Strazzy.
I saved WTF for line 15 because line 14 is more shocking than the first paragraph. The fix combines with Rick's point that writing his name doesn't make sense, regardless of when he does it. A day will go by before he does that, and he'll have help. The problem is that I see the self-writing book as the fantasy hook. That's now pages away from the first 13. The question becomes whether there's a hook with the new starting point a day earlier.
Okay, first revision: ----
Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik sits on his sofa watching Gina's tight jeans leave. He leans back, relaxed in his boxer shorts. It's been a satisfying evening. A book drops from nowhere onto the table in front of him. The slam startles him into sitting upright. The book is a foot square and more than an inch thick. "Biography" is embossed in its plush, dark leather cover. Dust curls up around its edges, or is that smoke? What the ...!? His heart's beating fast, his eyes are wide and he's caught his breath. The book stays still on the table. Warren resumes breathing. He looks it over and all around it. Where did that damn thing come from? He touches it gingerly. It's not hot and it doesn't move. When he opens it, it's empty - every page blank. He leans back. What will he ever do with a big empty book?
[This message has been edited by JeffBarton (edited July 25, 2007).]
I'm still bothered by Gina's tight jeans (who wouldn't be) and it took me a while to realize why: it's the active voice applied to the jeans.
I think Gina's jeans might flatter her curves, hug her butt or fray at the edges. They might even split or drop under certain conditions. But I don't think they can leave.
"Dust curls up around its edges, or is that smoke?" -- Is this a place for an em dash? 'Dust curls up around its edges -- or is that smoke?' An ellipsis? Somehow, I think a pause should be indicated.
I think it's a shame that the mysteriously appearing writing has, um, disappeared from the first 13.
One final thought, and I don't have any better ideas because I don't know the plot: "Biography" isn't the kind of title that attracts me. Of whom, I want to know.
posted
I like the idea of this and where it could lead. I could see it turning into a novel!
quote:Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik sits on his sofa watching Gina's tight jeans leave. He leans back, relaxed in his boxer shorts. It's been a satisfying evening. A book drops from nowhere onto the table in front of him. The slam startles him into sitting upright. [I'm not sure about the detailed decription of the book like this. I'd like to see more reaction and leave the dimension until a little later.]The book is a foot square and more than an inch thick. "Biography" is embossed in its plush, dark leather cover. Dust curls up [from?]around its edges, or is that smoke? What the ...!? His heart's beating fast, his eyes are wide and he's caught his breath. [not sure we need this, it's cluttering up the first thirteen = The book stays still on the table.] Warren resumes breathing. He looks it over and all around it. Where did that damn thing come from? He touches it gingerly. It's not hot and it doesn't move. again, not sure we need to know it doesn't move. Actually, it does when Warren moves it, but you mean on its own.] When he opens it, it's empty - every page blank. He leans back. What will he ever do with a big empty book?
I'm like TaleSpinner and would like to see the writing appearing as in the first thirteen at the top.
I have images of him looking around the room when the book first drops. I would look everywhere first, even upwards to see if there was anyone in the room, then I would think WTF!
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited July 27, 2007).]
posted
You need your character to write his name in that book, and if he stays in character, he refuses. So, you're the writer; you twist his arm a little.
I've done that. I've always regretted it. Anything -- anything! -- is better than forcing a character to act out of character.
There is a novel by Tom Wolfe, Bonfire of the Vanities. At one point, the plot requires the protagonist to wear a wire to a meeting with his girlfriend, who he is meeting at the place where they used to make love. The protagonist doesn't want to. Wolfe twists his arm. Of course, the girl starts to get physical with him, discovers the wire. The plot requires it. But wearing a wire in such a situation demonstrated clearly that the protagonist is not a human being at all, but a cardboard cutout that Wolfe is pushing around. I've never read another book by Wolfe.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited July 27, 2007).]
posted
Thanks for the additional crits on the revised 13. I give up on the jeans. Scifi readers take things to literally, because they might be literal.
The second draft is finished and I'm sending it to debhoag and TaleSpinner. Any other volunteers?
Rick Norwood: He's gotta sign the book, Sine qua non. I have a day going by, so he's calmed down, and he's been spoonfed a powerful suggestion by someone who knows of the habit. That also shows that the villain's acts are deliberate. It takes 5 pages, but then he signs. Hope that's not too much handwavium and nobody treats me like you did Wolfe.
posted
what about the pen? if a pen comes withe the book, he could feel compelled to write when he picks it up.
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posted
Another rewrite done, Biography is in its third version. Along the way it bloated up by 1000 words, now 7380. That’s mostly due to the vitally important scene I’d left out being caught by a Hatracker. That scene with it’s consequences and opportunities made a lot of difference. There are also more expositions of motives. Gina does more than just wear jeans – yes, they’re on her now - and I wasn't showing why. I've tried to characterize Warren differently, too. He's one who would think with the head that does not contain a brain and does so when he's convinced to accept the book.
I think it's done but have little confidence. After all, this will be my *gulp* first submittal. Any help?
----
Detective Sergeant Warren Straznik sits on his sofa savoring the last glimpse of Gina’s tight jeans as she walks out the door. He leans back, relaxed in his boxer shorts. It’s been a satisfying evening. A book drops from nowhere onto the table in front of him. The slam startles him into sitting upright. “Biography” is embossed in the book’s plush, dark leather cover. Dust curls up around its edges – or is that smoke? What the …!? His heart’s racing, his eyes are wide, looking all around and he’s caught his breath. The book stays still on the table. Warren resumes breathing. He looks it over and all around it. Where did that damn thing come from? He touches it gingerly. It’s not hot and it doesn’t move. When he opens it,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 06, 2007).]
posted
Well, it certainly caught my interest. The way this guy is and the book falling down from nowhere seemed odd and incongruous enough that I'd want to know what happened. And the book certainly seems sinister.
Do you want the reader to be sympathetic to this character? Because I'm already rooting for this guy to get iced, but I think that has more to do with my stereotyping him, probably unfairly, as kind of a smarmy guy (boxer shorts, staring at a woman in tight jeans), though in reality, he could be a perfectly decent fellow.
As for the present tense, I'd say be careful with it. I think it works here, but it can often feel strained or forced, because it's essentially happening in "real time", and so everything just feels more immediately, and makes it more difficult I think, to have the camera pull back, or to have internal dialogue.
A few nit-picky things.
>He leans back, relaxed in his boxer shorts.
I don't think you need both of these, i.e., that he leans back and is relaxed, since one sort of implies the other, though I like the detail about the boxer shorts and I think maybe you are trying to say that he's not at all put off to be in his boxer shorts, but I think that's something better conveyed through characterizing him and showing us what he's doing than to tell us.
>It’s been a satisfying evening.
This line didn't do much for me. Maybe if it were more specific, or somehow was turned into an action or characterization on his part. I.E., He smiles. Gina could be a little vixen when she wanted.
>A book drops from nowhere onto the table in front of him.
This is what felt a bit forced to me, I think. I think it might be more effective to just let the events unroll without narrative commentary, i.e. A book drops onto his table with a slam. He startled upright. (I'd avoid using "sitting" since you've already used it in one of the previous sentences).
> “Biography” is embossed in the book’s plush, dark leather >cover.
Sorry to be so nit-picky, but I think "plush" usually refers to something that has pile of some sort, like a carpet, even when it's used to mean luxurious. It's something thick and fuzzy. Therefore, I'm not sure leather can be plush.
>Dust curls up around its edges – or is that smoke? >What the …!?
This reaction felt a bit delayed to me. I think it would feel more natural if boom, the book falls on the desk. He sits up right. What the-? and then we get the details--gold letters embossed on the cover spelling out a single word, "biography", dust curling around the edges, or whatever.
His heart’s racing, his eyes are wide, looking all around and he’s caught his breath.
>The book stays still on the table.
This line didn't work for me. I'm not really expecting it to move. I'd rather learn something more ominous about the book, how thick is it?
>Warren resumes breathing.
I thought he'd already caught his breath? Or maybe I misinterpreted it and you meant he had held his breath?
> He looks it over and all around it. Where did that damn thing >come from? He touches it gingerly. It’s not hot and it doesn’t >move.
This part felt repetitive. He's already looked all around when the book first falls on the table. I've already assumed he'd wondered where it came from when he'd looked all around previously. We already know it doesn't move. Rather than learn what it's not, I'd like to know what it is--the leather was cool and dry against his fingertips, or something.
>When he opens it, it’s empty – every page blank.
I'd rather know what sort of pages? Yellowing ad cracklig? Crisp, white?
>He leans back, getting over the shock.
He's already leaned back in the first line. Even though he'd bolted upright earlier, I'd suggest finding a different verb to describe what he does next, just to avoid the repetition.
posted
This is the best version yet, it's been interesting seeing how you've improved it every time.
The only thing I would suggest here would be a new paragraph for the book slamming on the table, I just think a big event like that needs its own paragraph, I may be wrong.
Oh, and mentioning "Biography" being written on the cover suggests to me that Warren has taken the time to read it, I would think, especially with him being a cop, that his first reaction may be to dive for cover, reach for his gun or something and then, when he's sure there's nobody else there, then he would go back and look back at the book properly, see what's written on the cover etc.
Looks an interesting story and good luck with the submission
posted
I liked the "gina's tight jeans leave" line, but you're right - spec fiction readers take everything literally! You have to watch out for us.
I think the start is great. Sounds like an interesting premise, and it sounds like you've given a lot of thought to the motivations of the characters and the like. I wish I could offer to read the whole shebang, but I can't this week. Submit it, though. Just do it! Good luck!!
posted
I like the opening, but I'm not sure what Gina has to do with the book (yet). I'd be willing to read the whole thing if you still need readers.
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