posted
Hi. Some of you may have seen a variation of this in the novel section. After learning some great lessons from your reviews, I've come to recognize this one-time prologue to a larger work is actually a short story that needs to stand on it's own two feet.
Please let me know what you think. (Revised shortly after 3rd comment)
Bleeding Metal
Dr. Fox set the black metal object on the desk, happy to be free of it for a moment. While holding the rectangular device, he'd felt its need. The machine was hungry and would have to be fed.
He locked the door and listened for a moment. If he were caught with another undisclosed invention he'd be done for, nothing could save him from a second charge of treason.
He glared at the metal interface, resenting it. He was all too aware that he owed his success entirely to the unfeeling system. Its creation had felt more like discovery than invention; as if it had been there all along, guiding and driving his choices. After the latest upgrade in the molecular neural interface, Dr. Fox now had trouble defining where the box left off and his own mind began.
[This message has been edited by jc.black (edited August 01, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by jc.black (edited August 01, 2007).]
posted
I find this version a lot more hookish. Seeing the Dr.'s internal struggle, both hating and needing this machine is intriguing, as is the last line about "a second" charge of treason.
The secrecy of this scene and all the unknowns make me want to read more. Great job.
posted
A very good introduction. I like it quite a bit and would certainly take a further look. Once you have the short story done, if you need readers let me know.
However, I found "multi-object" to be a very odd concept (and not odd in the "it sparked my interest" sort of way). It isn't a concept that I can really imagine, so it felt like it distanced me from the story (I am guessing you would probably address the object's odd nature, at least briefly, a bit later in the story). Further, it is both vague and specific at the same time (it is an object that gets hungry, but any word that could refer to both an ancient Egyptian artifact and a used tissue seems to be ... lacking).
The third paragraph is a good hook. It is also something that could be moved to the first paragraph. I am not sure I would actually recommend that course of action but in reading it, that seemed to be the paragraph where your story is taking off.
Keep at it and good luck.
[This message has been edited by Snorri Sturluson (edited August 01, 2007).]
posted
Good except for the multi-object. It was too vague. That may have been your point, but I still don't like it. Give it a name that inspires awe and give us some inkling of what it does. Even if we're wrong, it would hook me better. The second time I read 'multi-object' I wanted to roll my eyes.
Posts: 657 | Registered: Jan 2007
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Dr. Fox set the black-metal object on the desk, happy to be free of it for a moment. While holding the rectangular-shaped device, he'd felt it's need. The machine was hungry and would have to be fed.
He locked the door and listened for a moment. If he were caught with another undisclosed invention he'd be done for, nothing could save him from a second charge of treason.
He glared at the metal interface, resenting it. He was all too aware that he owed his success entirely to the unfeeling system. It's creation had felt more like discovery than invention; as if it had been there all along, guiding and driving his choices. After the latest upgrade in the molecular neural interface, Dr. Fox now had trouble defining where the box left off and his own mind began.
First off, I love the title, on its own and as it seems to tantalizingly tie into where the story is going as suggested by the first 13.
Most of my "beefs" are really nits, to do with punctuation that jogged me out of that good reader funk.. I don't know if you plan to send this off or if you have someone who'll be doing a nuts n' bolts edit, so I've put the ones I noticed down at the bottom just in case. You didn't say you would or wouldn't appreciate that kind of edit, so I'm hoping it's useful and something you were hoping to see, (or at the very least don't mind), rather than just pedantry :p
But, first, to feedback. I really liked this. The concept has definitely hooked me. There's conflict in Dr. Fox's emotions towards the device, and you evoked interest in this reader by the mysterious nature of the object itself. Not to mention that previous account of treason you dangled in there; nice job with that.
Nice job with all of it, really. The only unanswered questions I have are good ones that relate to the resolution of the story, which would only ensure I keep reading. :)
Punctuation things:
1. Dr. Fox set the --->black-metal<--- object on the desk, happy to be free of it for a moment.Hyphen needed? Is it an object of black metal, or a special substance called black-metal? The hyphen makes me think the latter.
2. While holding the rectangular-shaped device, he'd felt -->it's <--need.Its.
3. If he were caught with another undisclosed invention he'd be done for, --->nothing could save him from a second charge of treason.<-- Is this a comma splice? How about adding a period after for, and then leaving the second half as its own sentence? I think that might hold more of a "kick."
4. -->It's<-- creation had felt more like discovery than invention;...Its
posted
I'm thinking you don't need "shaped" as rectangular is a shape. not wrong or anything, but it would read a little tighter without it, maybe
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
One suggestion, particularly helpful for those of us coming later to the critiquing party...when you edit your old text, include the earlier versions - just add your edited text to the top or bottom of your original post, clearly labeling it as the version you're working on now.
OK - a few points from me. I love the concept of a machine with human-ish needs. Cool concept.
However, you refer to the box in a number of different ways which got me wondering if there were more than one thing. It reminded me of how sometimes writers introduce a character by talking about the tall man, then talking about the former dallas cowboy, then talking about the widower...and only after a few minutes does the reader realize they're all descriptors for Stan the delivery man.
Not sure you believe me? Here's a list: black metal object, rectangular device, machine, undisclosed invention, metal interface, unfeeling system, the box.
I suggest something like "black metal device" and then use the word device to refer to it in short, with the other descriptors thrown in here and there. "While holding the device, rectangular in shape, he had felt its need."
"This device marked his second undisclosed invention, if caught with it, nothing would save him from another charge of treason. He got off on a technicality last time anyway."
Then, the use of "metal interface" made me go "huh?" Maybe I've worked in technology too long, but...isn't it just a black metal device? why is it now an interface? A device typically has an interface, but...uh, having trouble expressing my concern here. It just struck me as odd. Plus then later in that paragraph you talk about upgrading the molecular neural interface. Is that different than the metal interface? Yeah, probably. Then maybe ditch the metal interface reference, simplify down to the device. Maybe even capitalize it to make it more menacing? "He glared down at the Device, resenting it."
or call it the box, or something.
These are nits in a way, but I think the story setup would be a lot clearer with some more consistency in terminology around this wacky metal object.
posted
As a reader I don't like to see mysterious new technology as an "object" or "device" like the MC himself has no idea what it is. If he made it, or is using it, I want to see it how he sees it.
"Dr Fox set the decombobulator on his desk. Even after two years it still amazed him how so much could be done inside that tiny black box...."
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