today I woke up completely self-confident about my writing, so I said “I’ll start a new short story and I’m gonna sell it in the US market”. Of course, three hours and a thousand words later I feel different…

Anyway, I already started it so I’d like to finish it, even today if it is possible and my girl allows it. The goal is keep it around 4.000 words. Feedback and critics about both grammatical-lexical mistakes (I had some trouble with the translation) and story itself will be much appreciated.

P.S. If you don’t mind, I’ll post it both in English and Spanish, since I wrote the original in Spanish and later I translated. If this bothers somebody just say it and I’ll edit it.

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The evening was close to night and RPN’s building was boiling in activity, being RPN the main news network on the Solar System. Reporters Henry Lanstrom and Javier Valero got into the Director’s office, Pierre Lamont.
“We got it, boss”, said Henry, laying a huge carton box on his desk.
“What did you got?”
“We just arrived from Mars. We have discovered who murdered The Martian”, revealed Javier. The Martian was the nickname which Terrans used for Rup Hayat, leader of the Mars Colony independentist group.
Lamont moved restless in his chair.

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I think I'd like more details. As it is, it feels like the bare bones of a story. I'd stay away from overly describing the characters (at least not how they're dressed!) but you could use the fact that you have a pretty straightforward opening, to give us some info on the setting. Where are these people? I guess it's the future, but I'd like to know what this future looks like.

Your translation from Spanish was perfect, except maybe "The evening was close to night" isn't the best translation for "Estaba atardeciendo". The direct translation would be "The sun was setting". Besides, evening in English is a concept that includes the time after the sun has set until people normally go to bed, so an evening turning into night would probably be later in the day than "estaba atardeciendo". Do I make any sense?

I don't speak Spanish, so my comments are based on the English.

In summary: reporters bring a box back from Mars. It apparently contains evidence that proves who murdered a rebel leader from a Martian colony.

I hate to say it, but this doesn't do much for me. I don't care much about the characters yet -- you haven't let me into their point of view very much, and I don't really know them -- so I really only have two questions: What's in the box? and Who murdered the Martian?

The first question _could_ be interesting, but I think you need to show that it's interesting on the first page.

The second question isn't that interesting. A separatist is killed? Odds are, it was by the government or by people loyal to the government. Unless it's _not_ one of those, it doesn't really matter much. (And if it's not one of those -- he was killed by fellow separationists who discovered that he was a spy for the _real_ Martians, or something -- then I think you need to tell me that, too.

I guess my problem is that I don't know what the conflict is from this point forward. I know there is conflict between separationists and the government, but what conflict are Pierre, Henry, and Javier involved in?

Sara, it is bare bones. You could say I wrote it 'on the fly' this morning. There are some descriptions on the next page, as I like to make a situation before I detail the setting (maybe it's a flaw in my writing), although your assumption about future was correct. As for the translation, I thank you very much for "The sun was setting". I didn't remember how to say that, I was thinking about 'sunset' but just didn't fit in (It's been a long time since I don't write anything in English). By the way, are you sure that "se revolvió inquieto en su asiento" it's well translated as "moved restless in his chair"? (I had some doubts there). I'm from Spain too and I live in Madrid.

Oliver, the box carry evidence of the murder as you guessed. As for the caracter, I'd like to know what would be important to you to care about them. As you can imagine they are the backbone of the story (specially the reporters) so I need the reader to worry about them. About the second question you pointed out (separatist killed) as you guessed again the responsible was the Terran goverment (not so original, is it?). By the way, I won't use 'real martians', just colonist (would it be a mistake? would it be more likable with some aliens around?). As for the conflict the three MC are involved in... (SPOILER AHEAD )Terran president ordered the murder to the secrets services. The reporters had got evidence about and they want to announce it to the entire Solar System (both Terra and the colonies, as RPN is the most important news broadcast media). Dilemma is, the director was adviced by the goverment some time ago to don't look into the matter. Air the new information could destabilize the fragil situation with the colonists (question that, as I read, probably needs more atention on the writing), but don't air it would deny knoledge to the citizens. What to do? What would happen if public knows about it?

I don't know if it seems very attractive...

Should be (in my humble opinion =IMHO) RPN was the main news network in the solar system.

Consider picking a viewpoint character -- either the most interesting character, so we can see inside his head, or a character who will see him a lot, so we can get a close-up view of how his interesting characteristics affect people around him (think of Watson telling us about Sherlock Holmes). Then let us see through his eyes. What's important to him will be important to us, and you can change how the reader feel about the box by showing us how he perceives it.

Perhaps, because of your plot, you put us in the point of view (POV) of one of the reporters. He is thrilled to have this great scoop -- he can prove that the Terran government killed the Martian! -- and not just because of how good it will be for his career, but because of his devotion to the truth. That's why he went into journalism in the first place, after all, was to bring the truth to as many people in the galaxy as possible. In fact, he doesn't really like the separatists, and he voted for the current Terran President, but THIS is a breathtaking development -- maybe more breathtaking because he didn't expect it from this government.

Now, when the director shifts in his seat -- and you can tell us that he looks unhappy, and that that's weird, because the reporter knows the director very well and wouldn't expect this reaction -- I have a conflict and a problem that's personal to the reporter, not just to the galaxy.

This is just one suggestion, and you'll need to figure out how much of it goes on the first page. But that's the kind of thing that makes me, personally (and others may have different ideas, so don't listen to just me!), care about a character.

If you choose to reimagine the opening in this way, you might pick up a copy of Orson Scott Card's Character and Viewpoint. It's excellent for this kind of thing.

I hope this helps!

Sara, I like more "restlessly", thank you very much. Although "shifts" that Oliver said later sounds tempting... never heard about shift in that way.

Debhoag, would you write "he evening was close to night and RPN’s building was boiling in activity. RPN was the main news network in the Solar System.". Just to know, I thought it would be desirable to avoid short sentences. Correct me if I'm wrong, please. And thank very much for your compliment!

Oliver, I tend to avoid character's POV as a narrative way (nothing personal, I just feel difficult to write with the Watson's style). But you are right about that I should have go deep in the character's feelings (maybe something like, "Henry was nervous about Lamont's reaction. Evidence were clear and Truth had to be known by the people. That was why he became journalist, so people could know the truth whaterver the cost would be").

I took a peek at OSC's book you pointed out at Amazon's and I'll probably get it. Seems a good book. One of my (many) trouble when I write are characters. They seem to get stuck on my head, like they wouldn't like to go to the paper. I guess I should work on that area. I'll use this story as a training exercise.

Thank you very much!

(Edit to add) Just one more thing. Debhoag, what a nit is? I guess must be a clue, or an advice... but on my dictionary I just got "1.The egg of a parasitic insect.2.The young of such an insect.3.A unit of luminous intensity" Just to know.

I wasn't commenting on the length of the sentences, just on using was and in. You make me pay more attention to how I say things