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Blood Machine, Science Fiction I'm just looking for comments on the first 13 at this point. Thanks!
In the yellow glow of the kerosene lamp Samantha pressed her face against the metal curves of her dead lover's machine and listened. The machine could make no sound, her husband, Jeremy, insisted. It had no electricity, no steam to power it. But she couldn't forget what she'd heard, a low deep thump. Like a heart beat. The sound resonated in her dreams, and at the soiree last night she'd heard it and faltered mid-sentence. Jeremy had frowned at her from across the room. Everyone else had mistaken the look for concern, but she had seen the edge of accusation and hurt in his eyes, and had known what he longed to remind her. <i>Anthony is dead.</i> But Anthony's machine, this hulk of black steel resting in its small shed somehow lived, and Samantha could not rest until
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This piece sounds as if it's set in the Victorian era, so that's a hook for me. I'm interested in this triangle, and would definitely read on.
I would prefer the first sentence to begin with "Samantha pressed her face against the metal curves of her dead lover's machine and listened..." and mention the kerosene lamp in the second sentence.
I won't do grammar or punctuation nitpicks at this point. I would really like to read the whole story.
[This message has been edited by HauntedShirley (edited August 13, 2007).]
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You might want to mention Anthony's name sooner. I immediately confused him with Jeffrey. Otherwise, I like the mood of the piece and look forward to the rest of it.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2007
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This comes off as something fairly unique, which sets my expectations a little high. The mystery of the box and why it is called a "machine" has my full attention. I want to find out.
Posts: 394 | Registered: May 2006
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Yay! Draft one is ready! any kind souls who want to be readers? It's about 2500 words.
Oh, I should add the story has changed so the title "blood machine" is a little misleading. The concept is still the same, but some of the specifics have steered away from the imagery of that title. i just don't want to mislead you guys.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 17, 2007).]
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