posted
I wrote this on a lark this morning, after I found a site that is calling for short fiction (<1,000 words) to publish on a daily basis. Comments on the first 13 are, of course, welcome. I could also use a few readers of the whole thing - this is my first crack at something quite this short - I don't know if I've quite nailed it or not.
quote: Solomon looked up from the essay he was reading. A girl was standing in the door of his office, quiet in the autumn twilight. She looked familiar, though her name escaped him; front row in his American Lit class, on the far left. Bethany, maybe.
“Good evening,” he said. He hadn’t heard her approach. How long she had stood there?
“Good evening Professor James.” She was holding a book, clutched tight to her chest. “Do you mind… I’m not interrupting, am I? I need to ask your opinion about something.”
Solomon shook his head and looked down at his watch. “I’m just grading. I didn’t realize how late it was.” He sat up on his couch and gestured to a chair across from him. Bethany held out the book to Solomon as she slid down into the chair.
posted
I think for such a short piece you take quite a while to get to your hook.
There are some nice touches - I liked "quiet in the Autumn twilight." But then do we really need to know he was reading an essay when she arrived? Or that he isn't sure what her name is? Or that he was grading and didn't realize the time? I think you could tighten up this opening and save some of those precious words.
I'd like to read the whole thing though if you like.
posted
Hmm... i'm kind of torn on this. On one hand, I do agree that you might need to improve your hook and move the story along, esp with 1000 words. On the other hand, I feel like there's something compelling about the scene you've created. Maybe because it screams with potential for an naughty relationship?
Anyway, I'd love to read it, if you like. I'm curious to see where it goes.
quote:Solomon looked up from the essay he was reading. A girl was standing in the door of his office, quiet in the autumn twilight.How long has she stood there, I think should be here She looked familiar, though her name escaped him; front row in his American Lit class, on the far left. Bethany, maybe. “Good evening,” he said. He hadn’t heard her approach. How long she had stood there?I think this should be earlier in the piece. It seems out of place after he's noticed her and thought about her.
quote:She was holding a book, clutched tight to her chest
You could shrorten this, for example: She clutched a book tight to her chest.
I'll take a look if you want to send it.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited August 24, 2007).]
posted
Don't listen to them. You've created an effective scene and drawn the reader in. All of the things they want you to cut contribute to character and mood, both of which are compelling. I want to read more. Send it along if you want.
Only change: "had stood" doesn't work at all. "How long had she been standing there?" maybe.
posted
possibly the title of the book she hands him could be the hook, if it's odd enough or provocative enough. That would be a quick way to add some interest up front.
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In terms of cutting his "Good evening" probably isn't 100% necessary since she's going to talk when he makes eye contact. BUT it does give us a nice slice of character. He's formal.
I would like to see what the title of the book in the 13 but I'd still be reading this one on line 14.
I'd offer to read but I'm really behind on feedback already. I have some time next week to get comments on them out. So if you are still looking towards the end of next week email me and I'll let you know if I can read then.
posted
I like it a lot. You manage to convey a lot of character in a small amount of time. For example, instead of just saying he is a professor of literature, you indicate it with his thinking of Bethany in the "front row in his American Lit class, on the far left", a detail that immediately puts us in the mind of a teacher.
As for a "hook" - well, I'd keep reading based on this. Not all stories have to start with something terrifying.
posted
Much thanks to everyone who gave me feedback, both on the full and on this 13. I think I tightened the story up immensely, and it was all due to your comments. She's just been sent off and is now flying through the internet on her way to an online mag I hope to be published in... here's hoping!
posted
Well, rejection letter # 1 - ever - arrived today, for this story. Ah well, comme si, comme sa. I had visions of placing my first story (heck, my first two stories, 'cause I have another out there as well) without receiving a rejection, but of course, that's far too much to ask. I still have strong hope for the other piece - it's much stronger in all ways. Solomon's Tale is weaker due to it's length requirements, and the editors seemed to feel this too.
Excerpt from the rejection: "We don't get much suspense writing, and this piece gripped me all the way through.... While excellent in nearly every respect (prose, pacing, characterization) I felt like the author was shying away from what could be a truly awesome revelation. This story is hampered by the word count, I think. With the number of submissions we're receiving we've had to make some painful choices, and this one unfortunately, has to be cut.
Please consider this your invitation to submit another piece, hopefully something suspenseful like this one."
So, now I've got an invitation to submit something else, a genre I could stick to, and the goal of really sticking a sub 1K piece of writing. I think this particular piece is destined for mothballs, or my personal website at the least. I don't know if I want to take the time to re-inflate it back to it's original 1,200 words, and then expand on it even more. It's just a small vignette based on the back-story of a main character of mine in a novel-in-progress. I'll have to think on this some more before she goes up for all the world to see, though.
Once again, thanks everyone. MrsBrown, I will send it your way - the completed, edited, and ultimately rejected version.
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