posted
My first 13 of a WIP. Also attempting POV change from third person to first person. Comments, suggestions? ----------------------------- I was lying still, dreading to move. Broken bones grated painfully each time I tried. Paralyzed or dying, I wasn’t sure which, but one thing was certain -- the others didn’t make it. They don’t build interplanetary spacecraft to withstand head on collisions with rock hard planets. Surrounding my body, hundreds of fat thumb-sized undertaker worms labored feverishly to dig me under. Marga’s soil is loose and pebbly like pellets; they could easily bury me alive. And then...God knows what. Not wanting to think on it, I struggled again bringing on waves of agony as my torso settled deeper. Dusty pebbles cascaded across my ace and I screamed, not wanting to die this way. Spitting and sputtering for air, I fought to shake my head free. Then unseen hands
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2007).]
quote:I was lying still, dreading to move. Broken bones grated painfully each time I tried. Paralyzed or dying, I wasn’t sure which, but one thing was certain -- the others didn’t make it.
If he has moved and felt pain, then it's likely that he isn't paralyzed. Maybe just "I wasn't sure if I was dying, but one thing was certain..."?
quote:undertaker worms
Since he knows what they are called and what they are specifically trying to do, I assume they came from the ship with him. As in, I'm assuming that they had a problem in space or as they were trying to land on Marga for the first time. However, I'd probably not be too surprised to discover that the worms are native and this isn't the first time they've been there. I'd want this to become clear fairly soon, though.
If you fix up the grammar (specially, comma usage), I think this would be a fun read.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited September 03, 2007).]
posted
I had to read this many times to situate myself. I was confused about how this particular person (being?) could survive a major crash to a planet and no one else did. Maybe that's part of the lure to get me to turn the page?
Also, the POV character was dreading to move but was being buried alive by "undertaker worms" which apparently took him or her (don't know the gender) for dead or didn't care. Did these worms only get at him or her in the second paragraph or did they come up the second the soil was touched? Why wouldn't s/he want to move if s/he needed to get away?
Last, it says that the hands that grabbed this person were "unseen." Why? The character has proven s/he can see because s/he described the soil of Marga (is this the planet's name or just a region?) and how the worms look.
Oh, and I would definitely read. I would like to know to survive a crash like that
[This message has been edited by Tisiphone (edited September 04, 2007).]
posted
I think the first sentence is a little weak, lying still and dreading to move didn't really grab me, I think if you had started with the worms it might have had a bit more effect.
The third and second sentences pulled me up as they seem to conflict each other - he/she has been trying to move but the broken bones are too painful and then the next insant they think they're paralyzed?
I'd have liked a bit more info on the others, how is it certain they didn't make it? Is the MC surrounded by dead bodies/body parts? I think a little more description here would have set the scene nicely.
"...screamed, not wanting to die this way." Struck me as a little weak - who would want to die this way? I'd have liked more sense of the MC's fear and panic here.
Great hook, I'd definitely read on to see where they're dragging him to
posted
I think the idea is good, but you need to pay closer attention to what you have written. A good rule of thumb is, don't post it until you've read it carefully at least three times, not all on the same day.
By the way, a throw back is a fish that is too small to keep; a throwback is when a toy poodle gives birth to a standard poodle.
posted
Overall, I really like your idea and the quick immersion in the scene and the character’s POV. It just needs some tuning. I hesitate to repeat comments others have said, but then if you know that more than one person catches something, you know its something that probably needs to be addressed.
I don’t like that first sentence, for reasons stated above. Maybe start with: Broken bones grated painfully each time I tried [to move].
I agree that he would know he’s not paralyzed.
“rock hard” is unnecessary and slows it down – otherwise great sentence!
“Surrounding my body” – I’m pretty sure you don’t need this.
“fat thumb-sized” – too much size description – how about a color or texture instead of “fat”?
I want to know where the worms came from – did they wriggle up out of the soil or escape from the ship?
“and pebbly like pellets” – unnecessary. Suggest: “They could easily bury me alive in Marga’s loose soil.” That takes the focus away from the dirt and puts it on being buried alive.
“And then...God knows what.” I liked this sentence placed here, but it seems to me that if he knows they are a specific type of worm, then he should also know their behavior (what comes next). Either take away their name (which I hate to do because “undertaker worms” is cool), or let him know what’s next, or give us a clue as to why they are not understood. Maybe Marga has not been thoroughly explored yet, or maybe s/he didn’t pay attention in biology class? Or maybe this is not a problem for anyone else.
“robbed me of consciousness” – I’m not sure about this phrase. Did it make anyone else pause?
I’d want to know more about the character pretty soon – age, gender, name, further identification with who/what s/he is.
posted
Thanks guys for all the very helpful feedback. I'm halfway finished, and when it's done I'll send a review copy to those who signed up.
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