“Yeah, right, then who did? Mr. Nobody again? Ha!” Caleb bent low until his nose was inches from Jimmy’s. “You’re gonna get it. You know you weren’t supposed to finish that box before breakfast. I’m telling.” With the palm of one pudgy hand, Caleb pushed Jimmy full in the chest. Jimmy lost his balance and fell backward, landing hard on the rust-colored tile. Caleb cackled and ran off through the kitchen.

Mr. Nobody winked at Jimmy and stuck his foot out just as Caleb rounded the bend to the laundry room. The boy sprawled on the floor with a thud.

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Revised first 13 in a sec. I'll also be emailing those who offered to read. As I mentioned, the ending isn't satisfying, characterization light, I could use some guidance. Word Count is still at 1600. The story took me in one direction that is not at all evident from the first scene, but the first scene introduces us to MC (Mr. Nobody) who is then the observer/narrator in all the rest. Interesting challenges, I look forward to feedback from those who offered to read. Thanks much!

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Revised Mr. Nobody First 13:
“Mom! Jimmy ate all the Honey Smacks again,” Caleb called.

“Did not!” Four-year-old Jimmy stood by the old farm table, hands on his hips, his jaw set.

“Yeah, right, then who did? Mr. Nobody again? Ha!” Caleb poked one pudgy finger at Jimmy’s chest, bending low until his nose was inches from Jimmy’s. “You’re gonna get it. You know you weren’t supposed to finish that box before breakfast. I’m telling mom.” Caleb ran off through the kitchen.

Mr. Nobody winked at Jimmy and stuck his foot out just as Caleb rounded the bend to the laundry room. The boy sprawled on the rust colored tile with a thud.

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Been ages since I've posted anything. Here's a recent WIP, almost finished at about 1600 words - but in desperate need of enhancements. I think it should properly end up at about 2000-3000 words when all is said and done. Not enough characterization yet, I think you'll see why.

Looking for first 13 input, and input on the almost-finished piece if you are up for the challenge - particularly with regard to making a satisfying ending (I have a not-quite satisfying ending already), and better characterization.

It's speculative fiction - fantastic elements, set in current day, no sex, no gore.
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“Mom! Jimmy finished the Smackeroo cereal again.” Caleb called, using his best not-quite-a-whine voice.

“Did not!” Four year old Jimmy stood by the old farm table in the kitchen, hands on his hips, his jaw stuck out defiantly.

“Yeah, right, then who did? Mr. Nobody again? Ha!” Caleb poked one pudgy finger at Jimmy’s chest, bending low until his nose was inches from Jimmy’s. “You’re gonna get it. You know you’re not supposed to be swiping snacks. I’m telling mom.” Caleb trotted off through the kitchen.

Mr. Nobody gave Jimmy a wink and stuck his foot out just as Caleb rounded the bend to the laundry room. The boy went sprawling on the floor. His husky body made a thud on the rust colored tile.

[This message has been edited by KayTi (edited September 12, 2007).]

Having said that I liked the opening and would definitley read on to learn more about Mr Nobody and where he fits in with this family.

You might not need “in the kitchen” in the 2nd sentence, since we have food, and kitchen is mentioned in the next paragraph.

The setting is a little thin – if you’re going for a farmhouse, maybe replace laundry room with mudroom? Although that may be unfamiliar. I like how you have snippets of scene squeezed in, though – wouldn’t want to see a lot of description in this quick dialogue.

The take I'm using w/this is that Mr. Nobody is there when people assume they are alone, so he sees things that your normal short story narrator can't.

There's a lot of places that could take me, but this story took me one direction so far. Who knows, maybe there's a whole Mr. Nobody series in me.

Not meant to be a solution, but a sharper attention getter might be, “Jimmy ate up the whole box of Smackeroo cereal again.”

quote:

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“Mom! Jimmy finished the Smackeroo cereal again.(1)” Caleb called, using his best not-quite-a-whine voice.(2)

“Did not!” Four year old Jimmy stood by the old farm table in the kitchen, hands on his hips, his jaw stuck out defiantly.(3)

“Yeah, right, then who did? Mr. Nobody again? Ha!” Caleb poked one pudgy finger at Jimmy’s chest, bending low until his nose was inches from Jimmy’s. “You’re gonna get it. You know you’re not supposed to be swiping snacks. I’m telling mom.” Caleb trotted (4) off through the kitchen.

Mr. Nobody gave Jimmy a wink(5) and stuck his foot out just as Caleb rounded the bend to the laundry room. The boy went sprawling on the floor. His husky body made a thud on the rust colored tile.(6)

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1. I don't know that this is a line of dialogue that you'd actually hear from a child. They're either going to say cereal, or Smackeroo's, but probably not both. They way it's written there, I half expected to see a trademark symbol.

2. This seems clumsy. We can already tell that one child is whining. Don't beat us over the head with it. Plus, called seems awkward to me too. Maybe yelled out[i]? Or nix the dialogue tag altoghether and replace it with an action tag, like [i]Caleb slammed the empty cereal box down on the table.

3. This seems awkward too, and a little long on the descriptions. Plus, there's an adverb in there. Eeew.

4. I'm not a fan of trotted, unless the indicated character is riding a horse. That's just me, though. Jogged, saunteres, swaggered, skipped, all of those work for me.

5. I think you need to give us a little more info on Mr. Nobody at this point. I have no idea where he is, how he got there, his position inthe kitchen in relation to Caleb and Jimmy, what he looks like, how big he is, etc. Maybe if you introduced us to Mr. Nobody through Jimmy's POV it might be more effective.

6. This seems a little description heavy too - and with unnecessary detail. Does it matter that the tiles are rust colored? Does it matter that there are tiles at all?

This is good, though. Good luck with finishing it!

The last paragraph is great. I think just about anyone would turn the page after that. In the nit category, I think think it should be Four-year-old Jimmy.

I'd be happy to read it. Good luck.

quote:

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“Mom! Jimmy finished the Smackeroo cereal again.” Caleb called, using his best not-quite-a-whine voice.

---

I don't know, somehow the "Smackeroo cereal" didn't quite click with me. Why not make it real and use an actual cereal? Or is it an actual cereal? Shows how much I know about cereal. I only eat organic oatmeal.

quote:

---

“Did not!” Four year old Jimmy stood by the old farm table in the kitchen, hands on his hips, his jaw stuck out defiantly.

“Yeah, right, then who did? Mr. Nobody again? Ha!” Caleb poked one pudgy finger at Jimmy’s chest, bending low until his nose was inches from Jimmy’s. “You’re gonna get it. You know you’re not supposed to be swiping snacks. I’m telling mom.” Caleb trotted off through the kitchen.

---

In both paragraphs, I think it might flow better to see the action or placement of the child before the dialogue. That way, the reader could visualize them doing it as they read the dialogue.

Also, I think there's a lot of attention paid to describing how they are standing and what they are doing during this dialogue. I think it might work to trim some of that. Aim for just enough to give the reader enough of a picture that they can fill in the details.

I cringe at words like trotted, so this is probably just a personal nit. I'd prefer to simply see "ran", because trotting makes me think of a horse. Maybe that’s the image you wanted to invoke, though.

Defiantly - I think we get the idea. This word didn't add anything to the description to me (which is often the case with adverbs that end in -ly.) My take: adverbs modify verbs. If your verb needs modifying, maybe it's the wrong verb. Look around for a better one or drop it altogether.

It should be four-year-old, I think. And that part stood out as awkward to me. It probably needs to be told that he's four, so I can't say what should be done with it. Maybe the reader can get a rough idea of the age from the writing, instead?

quote:

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Mr. Nobody gave Jimmy a wink and stuck his foot out just as Caleb rounded the bend to the laundry room. The boy went sprawling on the floor. His husky body made a thud on the rust colored tile.

---

"Went sprawling" could be trimmed to just, "sprawled." The same applies to Mr. Nobody giving a wink, when he could simply wink.

"Rust colored tile" seems like a detail not relevant to the story.

I'm also wondering what the PoV is here. If this is limited and told through Jimmy's eyes, I doubt a four-year old would use the word husky. I thought the same about the pudgy finger. Those details seem redundant with each other. I think I got that he was a big kid with pudgy finger.

As you can see, I prefer a simpler style. Write in your own style, and if my thoughts don't fit, then ignore them.

That's enough nits

Family Circus (I don't even know if this is still in the funny papers) used to have a little gremlin running around named Ida Know. She gets blamed for a lot of stuff, too.

Another parental note on the cereal issue: If the four year old is eating cereal in a bowl, that would involve a process of getting out bowl, milk, spoon and cereal, and then pouring both cereal and milk in the bowl. I'm betting that he got the cereal and ate it dry, thereby scattering cereal bits all over table and floor. So part of the alibi the younger boy could use is: It couldn't be me - nothing's spilled!

OR, he got the cereal down and ate all the marshmallows out, which is a capital offense in my house. if Mr. Nobody has a marshmallow habit, this could be grounds for total kitchen warfare for the kids.

The last nit is: in our house, eating cereal isn't the same as eating snacks. You can get in trouble for eating cereal in my house, say, if dinner's going to be ready shortly. But snacks that kids get into trouble for swiping here are twinkies, ding-dongs, cheetos - because those are carefully purchased and calculated to be able to fill four kids lunchs per day. You know?

Also sent to monstewer, MrsBrown, and WouldBe for first round crits since they indicated they wouldn't mind reading it in the state it's in. Hope to beg dmorris and Antimony for a final review once I get through the next revision.

Thanks everyone!

"He desperately wanted to stay, but to stay would mean <need to characterize this>."

ARGH!

It's only at about 1850 words, so it's a quick read. I appreciate the help. I get such great ideas through these kinds of back-and-forth feedback, it's really validating to me as a writer, even when I'm banging my head against the wall dealing with a plot problem that currently seems insurmountable (I know it'll break free soon and I'll look back and wonder what my problem was. Of COURSE that's how I would characterize it, of COURSE that's Mr. Nobody's motivation, how could I have ever thought he woudln't think that/say that/do that/act that way? LOL)