posted
I'm taking aim at that flash-fiction market again - I think I might have crafted a better story - more of a tale from end-to-end, while still remainind within 1K. I think I'm realizing I'm not cut out for truly short flash fiction, though. I have too much of a desire to tell a story.
Anyways, here it is. More straight forward suspense, sub 1K. Looking for Crits on the first 13, and readers for the whole kit'n kaboodle.
quote:It was late in the evening. There was a knock at the door.
“Come on in.”
She was tall, long dark hair pulled back. A large leather purse over her shoulder. Her face was half obscured in the faint light.
“Ms. Kelly? Have a seat.”
They shook hands. He felt the coolness of her skin, the sharp prick of her fingernails. “Thanks for seeing me, Constable Fawkes.” She dropped into a low chair, clasped her bag in front of her.
“I’m still a little confused. You’re a blogger?”
“I write about small town happenings, send them out to the world." He saw a smile play on the edges of her lips. "A double
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited September 07, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 08, 2007).]
posted
I like it. It has the staccato pace of a hard-boiled detective story with updated language and setting. There was a sudden shift to omni view with, "They shook hands," unless the whole story is omni and all other observations but that one just happened to be his. I think not; it has the feel of his POV. Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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Here are some thoughts (as always, just thoughts).
quote:It was late in the evening. There was a knock at the door.This works, but it did feel a little rough for a first sentence. My voice is often similar. I wonder if it might be combined into a single sentence, though?
“Come on in.”
She was tall, long dark hair pulled back. A large leather purse over her shoulder. Her face was half obscured in the faint light. I wondered if this two might have been smoothed out into a single sentence. Maybe just change the first period to a comma and then make the last sentence not passive.
“Ms. Kelly? Have a seat.”
They shook hands. He felt the coolness of her skin, the sharp prick of her fingernails. “Thanks for seeing me, Constable Fawkes.” She dropped into a low chair, clasped her bag in front of her.
“I’m still a little confused. You’re a blogger?”
“I write about small town happenings, send them out to the world." He saw a smile play on the edges of her lips. "A double murder certainly is something to write about, no?”
“If you say so, ma’am.” He flipped open the folder on his desk.
That's it. I'd keep reading. A blogger is modern. A double-murder in a small town feels somehow classic. It feels like a modern twist on an old idea.
First, I like this, for the same reasons as others did: hard-boiled detective genre meets blogging, double murder in a small town, even the voice.
That said, let me be critical. The beginning feels very distant, mostly because of the passive voice. Look at your sentences:
Passive sentence
Passive sentence
One short line of dialogue
Passive sentence
Fragment (no verb, very passive) [Nit: I think this would be better as a sentence or a part of one of the sentences you already have. A single fragment feels more like a mistake than a decision.]
Passive sentence
Dialogue: verbless (i.e., passive) interrogative
Dialogue: imperative that doesn't move the story forward
Omniscient-sounding description of action
Finally a dip into the head of the main character -- this is the first time you actually establish POV, which is way too late for my taste
Dialogue, the only function of which appears to be to identify the MC as a constable and provide his name
An active sentence
You could restructure your sentences to be more active, which will have the added benefit (for a flash, especially) of compactness. You could also dip into the head of the MC earlier. I'll make suggestions if you like.
I'll read the whole thing if you're still interested.
Edited to add: Since the initial dialogue doesn't move the story forward, maybe focus on getting to "I'm still a little confused. You're a blogger?" faster.
Regards, Oliver
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited September 09, 2007).]
posted
I felt slightly confused reading through this. I can tell you're going for a certain style, and though you're close, it's slightly off. You mix fragments with (as oliverhouse mentioned) passive voice. Here's my edit, with just a few small changes for continuity:
>>>>>> It was late in the evening. There was a knock at the door. “Come on in.”
She was tall [WITH] long dark hair pulled back. A large leather purse [HUNG] over her shoulder. Her face was half obscured in the faint light.
“Ms. Kelly? Have a seat.”
They shook hands. He felt the coolness of her skin, the sharp prick of her fingernails. “Thanks for seeing me, Constable Fawkes.” She dropped into a low chair [WITH HER BAG] clasped in front of her.
“I’m still a little confused. You’re a blogger?”
“I write about small town happenings, send them out to the world." He saw a smile play on the edges of her lips. "A double >>>>>>>>>>
I'd be willing to read the whole thing; feel free to send it along.
posted
This really hooked me. It has the noir feel of stuff I really like, though I agree with some of the comments that its a little to staccatto at times. Just a suggestion, but what about combining the first two sentences:
"The peace of the late evening was shattered by a knock at the door."
posted
Several people have commented on passive voice or given examples of what they might write. I'd like to clarify that, for example, Badger's rewrite is still passive (not that s/he claimed otherwise). An active rewrite of that would be A knock at the door shattered the peace of the late evening. Note that there's still no character performing the action, and if you open with that sentence then you still haven't established the POV -- you don't know who perceived the evening as peaceful or who perceived the knock as "shattering" vs. disturbing or interrupting or something milder.
I'm trying to be descriptive here, not prescriptive. Use what works for you and your readers for this story.
posted
"It was late in the evening" does sound a little too close to, "It was a dark and story night." You could simply drop the first sentence; or drop it and modify the second:
There was a knock on the door. [or delete this] “Come on in,” I said, even though it was late in the evening.
posted
I saw this post and felt guilty -- I haven't worked on the crit at all, Jayson, but I will get around to it if you're still willing to take it.
Deb, to find out how anyone does anything, click the "edit" button on his post. You won't be able to actually change the post without knowing his password, but you'll be able to see the UBB Code that he uses.
In this case "he" is me, and you'd see
code:
[list ][* ]Item 1[* ]Item 2 [/list]
Well, almost that, anyway. There's an extra space in my example that I used to prevent the UBB code from actually showing you the bulleted list. You shouldn't have any space between the word "list" and the symbol "]".
Regards, Oliver
P.S. I just read the "Captive" thread and see that IB already gave you your new toys. Oops...
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited September 14, 2007).]
posted
Well, got this one back and it was rejected as well. Apparently, and I'm quoting here, "the graphic description is a little bit more than our lunchtime readers need. This story would be better suited to a horror publication where blood spatter and so on are expected."
I'm not entirely sure what to make of this - I suppose there was a little blood, but no more than an episode of Law & Order or CSI. It really was more of a police procedural suspense than a horror. Maybe I'll toss it into the Mystery mags - anyone know a good mystery market for short-short stories?
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