In the shade, people stood near a well. Its round, rock base supported a wooden frame that held a rope and a crank. A couple of women in flowered dressed stood near it, holding their parasols. One was spinning her's, the parasol looking like a beautiful butterfly. A man stood with them, another younger man off to the side.

(Continues...)

NOTE: Some violence in the story. The initiating event is violent. Although, I think, overall, the story itself is very hopeful and uplifting. You be the judge.

I think this story beginning suffers from description that will not interest the reader. For example,

In the shade, people stood near a well. Its round, rock base supported a wooden frame that held a rope and a crank.

Everyone knows what a hand-drawn well looks like. Unless there was something remarkable about it (made with gold fittings), there is no need to give a forensic description of it. So that passage could be reduced to:

In the shade, people stood near a hand-drawn well.

If the well becomes an important object in the story, appropriate description can be given then.

Do we need to know the arrangement of people around the well? The reader doesn't know yet whether the main character (MC) will interact with them, so you could tighten the description until and if the MC meets them:

In the shade, women with spinning parasols, men and a boy stood near a hand-drawn well.

Tightening up the beginning of the story will give you more real estate to launch into the story, to get the reader hooked.

Some of it seems unnecessarily tentative. In this case, the Omni narrator (the writer) sounds tentative, which normally would be odd:

He’d stop, just for a little while, get a drink, maybe, and let his body cool down.

He’d stop for a while, get a drink, and let his body cool down.

At Hatrack, you'll be taken literally be SF and fantasy types. (Anything is possible.) By "a strip of real green grass" do you mean "really" (very) green grass or "real" grass (not astroturf)? If the former then maybe "dark green grass", "really green grass" or some such would be better.

Good luck.

I'd have to agree with Wouldbe on this one. I think you maybe give too many minor details before grabbing the reader's interest.

I'd guess that maybe the main hook here is that the MC has escaped the orphanage, so I'd like to know more about that rather than a woman twirling a parasol near a well or that there are some carts near the trading post(?). The MC seems keen on some shade - has he been running far, the sun burning his back? Is there anybody chasing him? Do his feet hurt? Is he frightened? These are the details I'd like to know, get my sympathy for the orphan and then mention the blessed promise of that little bit of shade and I'd be more than willing to read on. At the moment you seem to skim over the escape to hurry on to a description of some distant building and the grass around it.

The "real green grass" made me stop aswell, as did the redundant description of the well. Also, you have a typo with "women in flowered dressed stood."

Thomas saw the trees up ahead. After so much walking on dusty roads, he ached to rest under those trees. He hadn’t rested in days, not since he’d escaped from the orphanage. Up ahead, a few wagons. In front of them, under the trees, lay a strip of green grass. He’d stop for a while, get a drink, and let his body cool down.

In the shade, women with spinning parasols, men and a boy stood near a hand-drawn well. The boy was about Thomas’s same age. He saw Thomas and smiled. He then stepped up to the well, reached into a pocket and pulled something out, and then threw that something in.

Thomas walked closer. One of the men walked up and threw something into the well also. Thomas saw it sparkle. A coin.
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I like it, because it moves up the beginning of the initiating event (staring on line twenty-three):

The quiet was broken a few minutes later when five big, burly men rode up and got off their horses.

My take:

quote:

---

Thomas saw the trees up ahead. After so much walking on dusty roads, he ached to rest under those trees. He hadn’t rested in days, not since he’d escaped from the orphanage.[<--This is good. Engaging from the start.] Up ahead [was] a few wagons. In front of them, under the trees, lay a strip of green grass. He’d stop for a while, get a drink, and let his body cool down.<--[Gets passive. Should build up to story-conflict]

In the shade, women with spinning parasols, men and a boy stood near a hand-drawn well.<--[Structurally wrong. Add to that the description -- while detailed -- interrupts the actual story.]The boy was about Thomas’s same age. He saw Thomas and smiled. He then stepped up to the well, reached into a pocket and pulled something out, and then threw that something in.

Thomas walked closer. One of the men walked up and threw something into the well also. Thomas saw it sparkle. A coin.<--[Why do I care about people throwing coins into a well?]

---

1) I have nothing to attach me to Thomas. I had thought that there would be some urgency (being that he's an escapee), but it seems just the opposite.

2) The beginning of any story is supposed to make a contract with the reader -- telling them the kind of story it is -- that this lacks. This is more immediate because it is a short story. You've got thirteen lines...

3) Not only do I not know what the story is about, I don't know what kind of story (genre) that it is. I doesn't even even establish a specific time-period, though it successfully establishes a rural setting.

I hope this helps.

These are really good suggestions.

After two days of walking on dusty roads, this was a the first rest he’d had since he’d escaped the orphanage. He didn’t know where he was going to go, or what he was going to do, but simply being away from that horrible place was enough to make him smile.

Thomas watched two women, two men, and a boy take turns throwing their coins in. One of the women nodded at Thomas. He nodded back. Thomas had no money for the stage or the train. Maybe he could hitch a ride in one of these people’s wagon. Five big, burly men rode up and got off of their horses,