posted
It's all or nothing, I've already sent it. I've posted the 13 lines of the rough draft. Here's the polished MAGNUM OPUS:
Pantroth lived for battle. The spear and sword were art forms in which he was a master. There was a cadence in the clash of steel and flesh on the battlefield, a tempo that moved him. A death here bestowed honor and glory on a warrior, redemption for the sins of past, not like the dishonorable whimpers of the disabled, cowardly, or infirm.
He reaped dispassionately through the enemy, like a farmer through a wheat field. The soldiers that surrounded him were nervous or anxious, new recruits lined up for the slaughter. They followed him; stood or advanced in his wake. They needed to be shown what to do.
Not Pantroth. He was just what Captain Kathar wanted him to be: a stone-cold-killer. He would willingly show the
Good luck with your entry, IB. I'm feeling a little behind the 8 ball since I haven't decided what to submit, nor polished it, and I remember this story's first 13 posted waaay earlier in the summer. Oh boy, better get myself to work!
quote: My take: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's <--What is? all or nothing, I've already sent it. [Sent what?] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LoL, oliverhouse. You do a pretty good impression. Lucky I'm not like Dennis Miller and the "That's just my opinion..." that he claims as his catch phrase, he'd sue.
posted
Hmm. Pantroth seems distinctly non-human. I might expect him to be a robot or alien or something. If he is in fact human, I can't imagine him to be so dispassionate in a life-or-death situation.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Nice simile, "like a farmer through wheat," that was excellent.
It's a good piece but I just read it for the first time, and it felt a little disorienting in places. Mostly I mean the second paragraph.
"He reaped dispassionately through the enemy," good imagery, and I see him clearly carving his way through his foes like Sauron in the prologue of the LOTR movie.
But the very next line "The soldiers that surrounded him were nervous," makes me think that the soldiers he is fighting are nervous, since that's where we last saw him, surrounded by enemies and killing them all. Of course they're nervous...
"new recruits lined up for the slaughter," again I am imagining his enemies, since they are the ones who surround him (as far as I could tell)
"they need to be shown what to do," what, die? And at this point I suddenly realize these soldiers around him are his allies. That wasn't very clear to me, since, after-all, if he's reaping his way through his enemies it's probably his enemies that are most closely around him. If not, that's something worth pointing out, I think.
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. Like Conan, but with more calluses. Good Luck, IAB!
