posted
Okay, a rewrite of the first story I ever posted here... about 3700 words, if anyone is kind enough to read the whole thing.
Jimmy crouched behind the dumpster in the alley, waiting for the zombie horde to pass. The ridges of the revolver’s handle dug into his palm. He forced himself to exhale as he listened to the shuffle of feet passing by. There must have been thirty of them moving down Second Avenue. They usually kept to the wide, straight streets once they gained critical mass, but sometimes they’d turn down alleys. And this one led to a dead end.
Keith squatted beside him, shotgun slung across his back. Sweat mixed with the dirt on his thin face. Austin huddled on his other side, head in hands. “How many shots you got left, Jimbo?” Keith whispered, eyes mischievous. The butt of his Glock poked out of his waistband.
“Five.” Jimmy flipped Keith off and received a playful punch in
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 17, 2007).]
posted
I liked the detail of the revolver digging into his palm, though "horde" stopped me a moment - does thirty constitute a horde? Probably does actually
I'd prefer breathe to "exhale", I think it would keep the tension better.
I was a little confused what "critical mass" meant, is that what they call it when the zombies gather in such large groups?
I know I read the original, but if you want me to take a look at the rewrite feel free to send it my way.
posted
Oh, and as for "horde"--I think that's the proper term for a group of zombies, like a gaggle of geese, a flock of birds, a murder of crows... that sort of thing, so it has less relevance on the actual number involved.
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quote:Jimmy crouched behind the dumpster in the alley, waiting for the zombie horde to pass. The ridges of the revolver’s handle dug into his palm. He forced himself to exhale as he listened to the shuffle of feet passing by. There must have been thirty of them moving down Second Avenue. They usually kept to the wide, straight streets once they gained critical mass, but sometimes they’d turn down alleys. And this one led to a dead end.
Keith squatted beside him, shotgun slung across his back. Sweat mixed with the dirt on his thin face. Austin huddled on his other side, head in hands. “How many shots you got left, Jimbo?” Keith whispered, eyes mischievous. The butt of his Glock poked out of his waistband.
I think that paragraph should be broken up. It has Keith's actions, Austin's actions, and dialogue. Who spoke there? It might be clearer if the dialogue began a new paragraph.
quote:“Five.” Jimmy flipped Keith off and received a playful punch in
I'm still not sure why the flipping off occurred, or the punch in return. It seemed a rather tense scene, now they're playing around. It betrays the tension that grew before this. I'm hooked enough at this point to read on and find out.
I like the tone and the tension. Everyone loves a well-told zombie story with good characters. They're in a dead-end alley, so we know the zombies won't just slip past and be forgot.
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