When Milo Fredericks finally came home, he came home as a pilot. Nothing too fancy, but he did log a lot of hours, and its hours that count. So what if the fastest he ever achieved was a mere crawl compared to the jet jockies, or even compared to the ride home. He logged enough hours to hit those Air Transport Pilot and airline entrance milestones, and besides there’s no way to experience Kabul Air Express care of the United States Air Force except to do it low and slow.
Of course, he also came home to the biggest slump the airline industry experienced since the end of regulated air commerce.
So he came back home to the family farm, prepared to resume the life he knew. Only that the life he knew could never be reclaimed. He’d flown more hours than the lifetimes of several

[This message has been edited by The G-Bus Man (edited September 22, 2007).]

Another problem is too many sentences have weak beginnings, connectives, or endings: "So what", "and besides", "Of course", "So", "Only". Most of those words could go, and the sentences would be stronger.

Also, its - it's.

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G-Bus Man, I think they're looking for you on the Paris Hilton is a succubus thread.

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I, uh, don't follow.

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Also, its - it's.

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When Milo Fredericks finally came home, he came home as a pilot. <'came home' twice in the sentence - which might be ok, but 'came home' recurs twice more later, once as 'came back home'.> Nothing too fancy, but he did log a lot of hours, and its <it's> hours that count. So what if the fastest he ever achieved was a mere crawl compared to the jet jockies<jockeys>, or even compared to the ride home. <Question mark here? And, what ride home? After a while I guessed this meant the flight home in a military transport, but it wasn't clear to me.> He logged enough hours to hit those Air Transport Pilot and airline entrance milestones <are these exams?>, and besides <I don't konw the gramatical reason but "besides" doesn't sound right to me here.> there’s no way to experience Kabul Air Express care of the United States Air Force except to do it low and slow. <I don't understand the Kabul Air Express reference -- is it like Air America? Why low and slow? I can imagine C-130s are slow, but low?>
Of course, he also came home to the biggest slump the airline industry <consider inserting "had" here> experienced since the end of regulated air commerce.
So he came back home to the family farm, prepared to resume the life he knew. Only that<delete 'that'> the life he knew could never be reclaimed. He’d flown more hours <we know already he'd flown many hours> than the lifetimes of several frequent fliers put together <that's several times a frequent flier's lifetime of say 60 years, not possible methinks>, and damnit <used this way it's usually spelled "dammit", I think -- that's what my Oxford English says anyhow> he’s <"he's" doesn't match the tense this sentence started in, with "he'd"; it probably ought to be "he'd fly again"> gonna fly again, and not crammed in the steerage section of a flying bus but by his own hand.

I like stories about pilots and aircraft, but I don't see a hook here. We know little about Milo aside from that he came back from war a qualified pilot with no job but one on the family farm, and we haven't met him so we don't know if he's likeable. His problem is that he wants to fly -- I can sympathize with that, it's a bug, right? -- but since it seems to me likely he'll wind up flying crop dusters, I'm not sure where the hook is that would keep me reading.

Why not have him telling all of this to one of the characters on the farm, or at the local sports bar, so that we not only get the history but how he feels about it, what his aspirations are beyond crop dusting (with respect to all those crop dusters out there) and what he's like?

Hope this helps,
Pat

If I paste the fragment into the edit window, it comes out as 16 lines. Now I could allow you the lines other folks haven't used, but... Nah, I'm only going to look at the "13-lines-as-determined-by-the-edit-window."

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When Milo Fredericks finally came home, he came home as a pilot. Nothing too fancy, but he did log a lot of hours, and its hours that count. So what if the fastest he ever achieved was a mere crawl compared to the jet jockies, or even compared to the ride home. He logged enough hours to hit those Air Transport Pilot and airline entrance milestones, and besides there’s no way to experience Kabul Air Express care of the United States Air Force except to do it low and slow.

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Like that I have a name. Seems a lot of this is superfluous. I pick up a hint that Milo did other stuff but he's classified as a pilot because of the sheer number of hours he logged flying the Kabul Air Express for the USAF.

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Of course, he also came home to the biggest slump the airline industry experienced since the end of regulated air commerce.

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Awkward. Tighten this up. From Kabul and the airline industry slump, I'm inferring post 9/11.

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So he came back home to the family farm, prepared to resume the life he knew. Only that the life he knew could never be reclaimed. He’d flown more hours than the lifetimes of several

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I'd like to glimpse why the life he'd known could never be reclaimed. Spending time flying doesn't seem sufficient justification for being unable to reclaim a cherished way of life.