posted
Courtesy of IAB, who inspired the title. Then I had to come up with a story to go with.
It all started with Milly Gifford's famous meatloaf. Or her mom's hip surgery, depending on how you looked at it. Most of the greatest catastrophies of Milly's life could be traced back to her Mother in one way or another. It was Tuesday when she received the fateful phone call from her sister, Phoebe. “Mil? It's Mom. I mean, it's Phoebe, but I'm calling about Mom. She's driving me crazy. I can't do anything right. I'm giving the plants too much water, and not putting enough salt in the oatmeal. The toast is too brown and the coffee is too light. If I don't get some help here, I'm going to kill her, and the whole hip surgery thing won't be a problem any more, because she'll have a big axe sticking out of her forehead. Except
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 26, 2007).]
posted
I liked this; I only noted a few problems, and some of it might be stylistic differences.
quote: It all started with Milly Gifford's famous meatloaf. Or her mom's hip surgery, depending on how you looked at it. Most of the greatest catastrophies of Milly's life could be traced back to her Mother in one way or another. It was Tuesday[ you are being repetitive here choose 'it all started. . .' or 'it was tuesday' not both] when she received the fateful phone call from her sister, Phoebe[ you could skip this part and move right into the dialogue]. “Mil? It's Mom. I mean, it's Phoebe, but I'm calling about Mom. She's driving me crazy. I can't do anything right. I'm giving the plants too much water, and not putting enough salt in the oatmeal. The toast is too brown and the coffee is too light. If I don't get some help here, I'm going to kill her, and the whole hip surgery thing won't be a problem any more, because she'll have a big axe sticking out of her forehead. Except she'll probably be telling me I should have used a meat cleaver, instead!”[ this is a very large chunk of dialogue, try breaking it up with mil's reaction to the information, or something else to further the story. The content is good though.]
posted
Cool! What's the genre? (A mom of my acquaintance says something innocuous but then apologies for a month via phone or email until you're nuts, and have no idea what she's apologizing for.)
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
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TheOnceandFutureMe
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posted
A few things:
quote:
It all started with Milly Gifford's famous meatloaf. Or her mom's hip surgery, depending on how you looked at it. Most of (This doesn't seem necessary. Leave out "most of" and your sentence will retain the same meaning)the greatest catastrophies of Milly's life could be traced back to her Mother in one way or another. (Is "in one way or another" really necessary? It adds no meaning.) It was Tuesday when she received the fateful phone call from her sister, Phoebe. (How about diving into the action right here? Don't just tell me Phoebe called. Show me Milly answering the phone. That way I'll feel more like I'm in the scene when Phoebe starts talking.) “Mil? It's Mom. I mean, it's Phoebe, but I'm calling about Mom. She's driving me crazy. I can't do anything right. I'm giving the plants too much water, and not putting enough salt in the oatmeal. The toast is too brown and the coffee is too light. If I don't get some help here, I'm going to kill her, and the whole hip surgery thing won't be a problem any more, because she'll have a big axe sticking out of her forehead. Except (what is Milly doing during this conversation? Is this before, after, or during the surgery? Before, after, or during the meatloaf?)
Delete unnecessary words. Always, always, always.
What you've given us is a little narration, and then a piece of a conversation. I don't mind the first line - it sets a nice tone - but after that I want to dive into the action. Show me the scene. Make me experience Milly picking up the phone and feeling exasperated, annoyed, worried, or whatever she's feeling.
I like Phoebe's voice. You tell us a lot about the situation and characters (except Milly) in that one speech. Although it did throw me off that she identified herself. I never identify myself when I call my family.
posted
Looks great, Deb. I like Phoebe's voice and would like to read it.
A couple of small things:
I think 'the coffee's too light' would suit her frantic tone better, and maybe 'she'll have a big axe sticking out of her head' might sound better.
(I wondered about the axe thing, it seems an odd choice of weapon when she's been talking about kitchen things like toast and meatloaf, and a kitchen knife might be more natural.)
posted
I spent the day at a conference (not my idea!) and wrote the rest of this out longhand while I was there. I'll get it entered tonight and send it out. and genre wise, i'm thinking sci-fiantasy
IAB, thanks again, you're a peach! - a very cool peach
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 26, 2007).]
posted
I spent the day at a conference (not my idea!) and wrote the rest of this out longhand while I was there.
Maybe there's a story there, too. All the internal daydreaming, torment, idle distractions, etc. that go on during an immensely important Meeting of the Bored.
posted
Go, wouldbe! I got a title from IAB, Meeting of the Bored is all yours! Should we set a time limit?
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Hey, Meatloaf is complete, and I have rattled the cages of all the usual suspects. There is some scientific doubletalk in here that I would welcome comments on. It's very light-hearted, so I'm not too worried about it, but it would be nice to have it eyeballed by someone more technically ept than I am. Actually, that's just about anyone, but you know what I mean!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Hey, I'm good at scientific double-talk. You should have heard me trying to explain oxidation/reduction reactions to a bunch of underclassmen when I myself had no clue what was going on. Ah, the power of BS'ing...
posted
Would Milly be contracted to 'Mil' or 'Mill'? Anyway, regardless, I'll take a look at this too. I owe you some crits and yours have always been very helpful ;-)
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