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Hannah tore open her PawnWorx chess set when it finally arrived in the mail. She had won a lottery to get one of the ten beta units. She kissed its gold foil box and plugged in the charger.

When turned on, the chessboard connected wirelessly to her laptop and asked for her information: name, age and International Chess Federation ranking. Hannah set the white queen, WQ, and the black queen, BQ, on the board.

"The little bitch overcharged me," said WQ. "My royal hiney is burning."

"Mine too," said BQ. "Whose toes did we step on to be subordinated to a nine-year-old? Where are your Barbies, girlie?"

Thrilled, Hannah blew a loving kiss towards Silicon Valley. "You may be queens, but I'm Empress On-Off-Button."

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A little experimenting with formating on Hatrack without tabs. Here's the first-13, but I'm far from ready for readers. Per lehollis' comment: WQ=White Queen; BQ=Black Queen.

--Revision 1

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| "Jerks!" said Hannah, rapping the table. After six months and $3000 spent, she figured her PawnWorx chess set should be ready out of the box. "You couldn't charge the bloody batteries?" Then, she kissed the gold foil box, numbered SN 06/Beta.
| She awakened at 3:30 AM and enabled the chess set. It connected wirelessly to her cell phone and laptop and asked for her information: name, age and chess rating and affiliations.
| Hannah set the White Queen and Black Queen on the board.
| "The little bitch over-charged me," said WQ. "My royal hiney is burning."
| "Mine too," said BQ. "Whose toes did we step on to be subordinated to a nine-year-old. Where are your Barbies,

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[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited September 26, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 26, 2007).]

• I realize she's nine, but she seems to leap around emotionally more than I could believe.
• Rapping the table confused me. I think another verb might work better, to be honest.
• Wait ... she's nine and she spent $3,000 on this? Did I misunderstand something.
• For my taste, she went too quickly from yelling and hitting to kissing the box. Perhaps she kissed the box as a form of sarcasm? If not, a bit more to the transition might help. She could shrug and huff, then finally kiss the box, for example.
• She awakened, to me, could be simplified to just "she woke." Just a thought.
• I was confused at first who WQ was and what she was talking about. She wasn't overcharged, which made me think of being charged too much money for a service, her batteries were overcharged.
  
• Hanna assessed the situation. To me, this didn't sound nine-years-old. It seemed to logical in a character that sounds more emotional than anything else. When I read it, it kind of stuck out to me.
  

I hope that helps. Despite the number of comments, I do like the character of Hannah. She seems like a delightfully spoiled brat to me. I also like the talking chess pieces. I'd read further, a little bit, to see where this was headed.

Grammar and spelling seemed good, and the voice is clear and understandable, to me.

"Jerks!" said Hannah, rapping the table. I 'gree here, "rapping" was odd. After six months and $3000 spent, she figured her PawnWorx chess set should be ready out of the box. "You couldn't charge the bloody batteries?" Then, she kissed the gold foil box, numbered SN 06/Beta.
| She awakened at 3:30 AM and enabled the chess set.This took me a little off guard here. I had to stop and fill in the blanks--she plugged it in and went to bed. It connected wirelessly to her cell phone and laptop Is this info essential? It just seemed like an odd, random detail to me. But maybe it becomes important later. and asked for her information: name, age and chess rating and affiliations.
| Hannah set the White Queen and Black Queen on the board.
| "The little bitch over-charged me," said WQ. "My royal hiney is burning."
| "Mine too," said BQ. "Whose toes did we step on to be subordinated to a nine-year-old.I think you need a question mark here. Where are your Barbies, girlie?"
| Hannah blew a kiss towards Silicon Valley. "You may be queens, but I'm Empress On-Off-Button." cute

Are the WQ/BQ IN silicon valley? I'm a little confused by Hannah blowing a kiss, and her emotions are in contrast to the lines of dialogue WQ/BQ say. Maybe it will come clear soon, but right now it's still pretty confusing. I see you're aiming to set up characters and personalities, but there's a lot of world-building coming at the reader quickly. Is there a way to eek it out more slowly? Just because we often demand lots of information in first 13s doesn't mean you actually have to GIVE it to us.

Who is the little bitch they're referring to? And do they mean charged as in 'charged the batteries' or 'charged money'? If it's the former, it made more sense in your first version when she left it plugged in for multiple hours.

A few small things:

Would she kiss the box? Why not the chess board, or one or two of the pieces?

"When turned on, the chessboard connected wirelessly to her laptop and asked for her information: name, age and International Chess Federation ranking. Hannah set the white queen, WQ, and the black queen, BQ, on the board. "

To me this sounded like something out of the manual -- that might have been in the box, that of course she did not read ;-)

And, do you need the laptop wireless connection detail?

I'd suggest something more active, like "She turned the chessboard on. It asked for her name, age and ..."

I understand that the BQ and WQ are notations used in the chess world, but to me it's rather impersonal, dry. Will the pieces refer to each other this way in conversation? Will Hannah call them BQ and WQ? She sounds more imaginative than that, to me. I'd expect her to call them Queen of Evil and Queen of the Fairies, or something.

Just an opinion, your story of course. When you're ready for readers, I'd like to.

Hope this helps,
Pat

The read got bumpy at "Empress On-Off-Button" and I think it would flow better "Empress of the On-Off-Button"

As for the last line, I thought you could get rid of "Thrilled". I got the kiss towards Silicon Valley, but it confused enough people that I think "loving" might be necessary.

In response to the confusion about WQ/BQ, I would think that, like most people of average intelligence and reading ability, spelling out the acronym the first time, followed by the scronym to complete the association, would be fine.

I would suggest building conflict between WQ/BQ; at the moment, they seem rather of one mind - about their hineys, about their status, and about being given to a little girl. Are they the natural enemies one would assume from the game?