posted
Deb, since you asked, here's a peek at Survival:
Ganth ran across the dresser. He leapt over a glass paperweight that displayed a cockroach and wove around an artistically designed lamp. He looked back over his shoulder and smiled; Whiskers the cat was still giving chase. Felines could never resist giving chase.
Now came the dangerous part. He had to anger the furball enough to blindly follow where he led, yet keep ahead of it. Not an easy task for a brownie. The tomcat was like ten-times his size: it was huge. The thought of being killed between crushing feline fangs, like his cousin Willy had, helped him put on a burst of speed.
At the edge of the dresser, Ganth sprang into the air. He reached out and grabbed the mantle of the faux-fireplace...
posted
A bit wordy for me. Kind of slows the pace down, and cats can run pretty darn fast. And leap pretty far for that matter.
If you're interested imho:
Ganth ran across the dresser. He leapt over a glass paperweight (that displayed a)[unnecessary] cockroach and (wove around an artistically designed)[past a] lamp. He (looked)[glanced--quicker motion] back over his shoulder and smiled; Whiskers the cat was still giving chase. Felines could never resist (giving chase)[repetition doesn't work for me].
(Now came the dangerous part. He had to anger the furball enough to blindly follow where he led, yet keep ahead of it. Not an easy task for a brownie. The tomcat was like ten-times his size: it was huge. The thought of being killed between crushing feline fangs, like his cousin Willy had, helped him put on a burst of speed.)[Expository--work this into some action and words--"Come on kitty! he yelled,as he beaned it in the face with a paperclip]
At the edge of the dresser, Ganth sprang into the air. He reached out and grabbed the mantle of the faux-fireplace...
posted
That's a blast, IAB! How long ago did you write it? Have you submitted it anywhere? Inquiring minds want to know!
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Ganth ran across the dresser. He leapt over a glass paperweight that displayed a cockroach and wove around an artistically designed lamp.(1) He looked back over his shoulder and smiled; Whiskers the cat was still giving chase.(2) Felines could never resist giving chase.
Now came the dangerous part. He had to anger the furball enough to blindly follow where he led, yet keep ahead of it. Not an easy task for a brownie.(3) The tomcat was like(4) ten-times his size: it was huge. The thought of being killed between crushing feline fangs, like his cousin Willy had, helped him put on a burst of speed.(5)
At the edge of the dresser, Ganth sprang into the air. He reached out and grabbed the mantle of the faux-fireplace...
(1) I think the detail of the paperweight and lamp distracts from the action. (2) Giving chase sounds awkward, but I have never seen it used before so maybe that's why it seems that way. (3) This is when I became aware that he was a mouse. It seemed like maybe he was a miniature man or something. I'm not sure why. That's just the image I got. Maybe mention a tail or something before that? (4) take it out or replace with nearly, almost, etc. Like just sounds like one of those kids that talks like this like know what I mean. (5) I agree with WriterDan that it would be nice to have him verbally taunt the cat.
Overall, exciting and well-paced. He leaps into the action right away, literally. Perfect speed for a flash fiction.
quote: Ganth ran across the dresser. He leapt over a glass paperweight that displayed a cockroach and wove around an artistically (this adverb doesn't have a specific meaning, therefore, I can't picture the lamp) designed lamp. He looked back over his shoulder and smiled; Whiskers the cat was still giving chase. Felines could never resist giving chase. (A couple things bother me here. Would Ganth think "Whiskers the cat," or "Whiskers?" Why "felines?" Does Garth encounter many felines besides cats? Also, you said "giving chase" twice in two sentences. Repeating for emphasis, or any other reason, rarely does anything more than make the reader aware of the author. How about: "Whiskers was still giving chase. Cats could never resist pursuit.") Now came the dangerous part. He had to anger the furball enough to blindly follow where he led, yet keep ahead of it. Not an easy task for a brownie. The tomcat was like (this word adds nothing. I say cut it)ten-times his size: it was huge.(You just said it was ten times his size. No need to tell me that its huge) The thought of being killed between crushing feline fangs,(How about "...being crushed between feline fangs..." Fewer words, same meaning.) like his cousin Willy had, helped him put on a burst of speed.
At the edge of the dresser, Ganth sprang into the air. He reached out and grabbed the mantle of the faux-fireplace...
It seems like its been done, but I am mildly hooked. I would read on.
Ben
[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited October 05, 2007).]
posted
dienstag, Ganth is not a mouse, he's clearly described as a brownie. If you're not familiar with the term: Look Here
This is not a Tom & Jerry story. He is not taunting the cat for the heck of it.
While I don't mind critiques on the prose, only debhoag has answered my original question:Would you like to see the rest? If the nits you pointed out would keep you from reading this, then I want to know.
posted
Ah, I see. I apologize. I was not familiar with the term, but I am now. Thanks for the link.
And on to your question. While it is indeed interesting, I would not continue to read it simply because it seems to be somewhat rough and incomplete. The problems in it take me away from the story. After some work, I would probably give it a read but not in its current state.
posted
I didn't see your question, as I usually critique without looking at other posts first. I'd say I'm hooked enough to read 1000 words. Send it my way and I'll mark it up for you.
Ben
edit: lol. I said "hooked up" instead of "hooked"
[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited October 05, 2007).]
posted
dienstag, no problem. I just wanted to make sure that you knew what a brownie was (as opposed to the girlscout or baked goods)--not to make you feel like an idiot or anything. When writing this (which is the way it is deliberately, for PoV reasons), I was envisioning brownies like those portrayed in the movie Willow. Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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I agree that you need to find faster descriptions since your Brownie is running. Maybe limit yourself to two word descriptions of the things he passes. It struck me as odd when you momentarily lapsed into teenager talk with, “the tomcat was like ten-times his size: it was huge.” However, if you maintain that style through the rest of the story it's just personal style.
quote:Ganth ran across the dresser. He leapt over a glass paperweight that displayed a cockroach and wove around an artistically designed lamp.
'Artistically designed' jarred me. But, I did like the paperweight visual because it was unexpected. A cockroach says something to me about the cat/cat's owner. It makes the story otherworldly already, in that sense of finding a dragonfly in amber ... something of historical value? Interesting.
quote:He looked back over his shoulder and smiled; Whiskers the cat was still giving chase. Felines could never resist giving chase.
WriterDan has already mentioned the substitute for 'looked'.
quote:Now came the dangerous part. He had to anger the furball enough to blindly follow where he led, yet keep ahead of it. Not an easy task for a brownie.
Ah. Now we find out he's a mischievous brownie. I want to know why and what he's going to do to this cat later now This hooks me.
quote:The tomcat was like ten-times his size: it was huge. The thought of being killed between crushing feline fangs, like his cousin Willy had, helped him put on a burst of speed.
I'd strike 'like', and 'it was huge' is repetitive. Maybe just "Furball was ten-times his size." This does show character as well as backstory. For me he is a thrill-seeker, and courageous. Yet, he could also be a young, naive, unnecessary risk-taker (which begs more questions, making me read on).
quote:At the edge of the dresser, Ganth sprang into the air. He reached out and grabbed the mantle of the faux-fireplace...
posted
I agree that the paperweight and lamp descriprions slow down the action. Unless it's important to the story, I don't need to know what was in the glass paperweight, and "artistically designed" doesn't really tell me anything.
Sure. I agree with what others have said about tightening up the first 13, but what you had did hook me. If you want me to critique your story, please remember that I need the file as an .rtf.
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This hooks me.
