posted
Young Sarah swatted flies as she took another bite of jager stew from the pot. Becca joined her by the fire and took a share. Night sounds of creepers and crawlers filled the air. Sarah pulled her shawl tight, even though the fire burned hot.
Becca checked her sleeping gear for bugs before spreading it out near the fire. "Better get some rest, Sarah. When the troop goes camping tomorrow, it's going to be rugged."
"I'd rather stay here at home where it is comfortable."
"You always were the prissy sis, Becca. How'd your bartering go?"
"I traded three packets of Wench Scout cookies, two flax and one spelt," said Sarah.
"I traded but one packet of dragon jerky. You're so fair of
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 10, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 11, 2007).]
posted
I hesitated before replying here. The intro seems fine; the part I balk at is the actual "Wench Scouts" title and theme. I guess I tend to think of Wench as a derogatory term. While I know it can simply mean a young woman or a working woman, it often also means either a prostitute or a woman who engages in frequent sexual activity.
So when combined with the Girl Scout motif, feels a tad creepy to me.
Oddly, That means I might read some more just to see where it's headed It comes across as not-entirely-serious enough that I assume it's going for the young-girl meaning, not the others.
Other than that, the writing seems to meet your usually strong standard, WouldBe.
posted
Thanks for that reply, LeHollis. I definitely intend the "just another medieval word for 'girl'" meaning. The double meaning may be a killer for the title.
The high concept is simply, "what if there were girl scout troops in medieval times?" Well, then they'd be selling spelt cookies instead of chocolate mint cookies, wouldn't they? (har, har)
Maybe I'll do Connecticut Girl Scouts in King Arthur's Court.
posted
LoL. Roget's Thesaurus results show seven search results for wench. The first of which has every definition of woman from virgin and maiden to Dutchess and then to seductress and finally hussy.
Coming from a fantasy background, I read wench as any woman that's not highborn--as in serving wench.
As far as prostitute, ironically, the word wench never shows up in sixteen results. The most common uses were: Camp Follower, Bangtail, Doxy, Tramp, Trollop, Painted Woman, Scarlet Woman, Tart, Hussy, Strumpet, Harlot, and Whore.
This has been humorous. I hope this helps. (Not as in helping straighten out your Longfellow)<--sorry, couldn't resist.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 13, 2007).]
posted
Kathleen, if you paste what you left into a submission box, and delete the blank lines, you'll see that it is 12 lines. This happens frequently when there are many blank lines, it seems.
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
OK, IB. First, I'll do "Wench Scouts" to get some surplus Brownie points; then, I'll do "Hussy Scouts," to get them taken away. Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote:Kathleen, if you paste what you left into a submission box, and delete the blank lines, you'll see that it is 12 lines. This happens frequently when there are many blank lines, it seems.
Actually, when I put it in the box, the "go?" at the end of the fourth paragraph went on to the next line, and I debated leaving it.
If the original post is already close to 13 lines (indicating to me that the poster was trying to follow the rules), I usually do leave something like that, but if the original is a lot longer than 13 lines, I am less inclined to be lenient.
posted
The connotation of 'wench' in my mind comes from the 'serving wench' at an inn. She's not necessarily immoral in any way, she's most likely single, she's of the working class rather than nobility, and she's not a child, ie. of adult age for the times.
It's that last point that makes me wonder about the girl scout tie-in. If these are Senior Girl Scouts - highschool age - the term might apply.
In your first 13, the initial references to a fire and 'sleeping gear' coupled with the title, made me think of camping. I wondered if the troop would join them and what could get more rugged. It took a second reading to realize that they are in a medieval hut with an open fire and sleeping space on the floor.
I'm wondering what they get in return for what they barter. How much is a box of spelt cookies worth?
Let me know when (if) this will be ready for readers. I'm hooked by the concept and the girl's voices.
posted
Well, clearly "wench" will have to go. A new title, such as the Augustinian Girl Scouts or somesuch, is forthcoming.
Posts: 746 | Registered: Jun 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
The girls are pretty interesting characters, and I just love the idea of the Augustinian Girl Scouts
If I have one problem with the opening you've chosen, it's that there's actually very little in our opening to suggest this cool concept. The girls could be modern-day, camping in the woods (stew isn't particularly medieval, since we still make it today, and the use of "sleeping gear" is thoroughly modern". I wonder if you could add details more specific to the medieval period--offhand, references to period clothes, or a better description of what they sleep in--or the sound of church bells from the parish? I think you need to establish the time period pretty fast, to make it clear those are not weird 20th Century-Girl Scouts.
posted
Thanks, Silver3, you're right. I was trying to have some fun with the reader by making it seem like they're camping (fire and bugs in bed). But then, you realize they're actually at home and the really rough stuff will happen the next day on a camping trip. I don't think that came of, but by adding "our" instead of "the" and "right" to "right here at home" might make it clearer:
..."Better get some rest, Sarah. When *our* troop goes camping tomorrow, it's going to be rugged."
"I'd rather stay *right* here at home where it is comfortable."
Printer-friendly view of this topic
It comes across as not-entirely-serious enough that I assume it's going for the young-girl meaning, not the others.
