posted
Top down, yellow headlights reaching out into the night, Brian Byrd guided his battered old jeep down the deserted Arizona highway. All around him the rigid, slightly bulbous silhouettes of cactus jutted upward like fingers pointing into the star bright sky. Pointing to his heart’s desire. Brian gazed over his windshield -- an admittedly foolish maneuver while driving – and stared at the small orange disk that was Mars, sighing contentedly. He couldn’t help it; he was in love. In love with the moon and the stars. In love with asteroids and meteors. And lately he had been having an especially heartwarming affair with the planet Mars. A happy coincidence of orbital mechanics had brought Earth and Mars as close together this summer as they had been in almost 60,000 thousand years.
[This message has been edited by Edmund (edited October 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 16, 2007).]
quote:Top down, yellow headlights reaching out into the night, Brian Byrd guided his battered old jeep down the deserted Arizona highway.
Not bad. I'm not sure about the word 'guided.' I know it's a nice alternative to the drove, but it doesn't sound as if he has complete control of the jeep. Not a big deal really.
quote: All around him the rigid, slightly bulbous silhouettes of cactus jutted upward like fingers pointing into the star bright sky. Pointing to his heart’s desire.
I'm not sure how I feel about the repetition of the word pointing. I know you're using it for effect (I use it sometimes as well) but it feels as if you're strengthening your 'cactus-finger' imagery instead emphasizing 'his heart's desire.'
quote: Brian gazed over his windshield -- an admittedly foolish maneuver while driving – and stared at the small orange disk that was Mars, sighing contentedly.
The 'sighing contentedly' is too far from Brian. It almost reads as if Mars is sighing contentedly. Also having Brian gaze and than stare is redundant.
quote: He couldn’t help it; he was in love. In love with the moon and the stars. In love with asteroids and meteors. And lately he had been having an especially heartwarming affair with the planet Mars. A happy coincidence of orbital mechanics had brought Earth and Mars as close together this summer as they had been in almost 60,000 thousand years.
You don't have to list which heavenly bodies Brian is in love with. I would just cut to the part where Brian is having a 'heartwarming affair' with Mars. Also that is twice you have used repetition. Yes, I find it to be an effect technique, but don't over use it.
quote:Unfortunately…
He exhaled heavily, having to work hard to even complete the thought.
Unfortunately the proximity of Mars and Earth did nothing to improve the relationship between Mars and Venus -- not in the Byrd household, anyway.
I'm confused, is the word 'Unfortunately' Brian's thoughts? Or is it your narrative? Because it reads like the first 'unfortunately' is Brian's thoughts because he interrupts the interior monologue by exhaling. This sequence is a bit confusing. Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Good stuff, hteadx (how does one pronounce that?). Thanks.
BTW, this story is complete at almost exactly 3,000 words. If anyone is interested in doing a general pass over the whole thing, please let me know. I'm just looking for the basics - do you understand, do you believe, do you care.
posted
First, this is way over 13 lines. What I've critiqued below is your limit, and KDW (SHE) is bound to trim it.
quote: Top down, [yellow<--[Delete] headlights reaching out [into the night<--assumed by the fact the headlights were on and noticeable.], Brian Byrd guided[I thought he was driving] his [battered<--choose one, unless important-->old] [Name brand; capitalize-->][J]eep down the deserted Arizona highway. All around him the rigid, [slightly<--unnecessary adverb] bulbous silhouettes of cactus jutted upward like fingers pointing into the star [bright<--Can't picture this. Star-filled I can, but bright?] sky. Pointing to his heart’s desire.[Eh? What is his heart's desire?] Brian gazed over his windshield -- a[n admittedly<--unnecessary adverb usage] foolish maneuver while driving – and stared at the small orange disk that was Mars, sighing [contentedly<--adverb.]. He couldn’t help it; he was in love. In love with the moon and the stars. In love with asteroids and meteors. And lately he had been having an especially heartwarming affair with the planet Mars[Eh? How? Kind of nucky-sounding?]. A happy coincidence of orbital mechanics had brought Earth and Mars as close together this summer as they had been in almost 60,000 thousand years.
Bad points: 1) This is heavy with description and adverbs. 2) Can't determine the POV clearly. 3) You haven't established the story's promise (conflict we can expect to be resolved). 4) You never establish the genre. 5) Your description begins to detract from the story. Even with the extra lines, it's not clear where you are heading, it just seems to be saying--almost as a side note--Brian's having problems at home.
It seems like a very long-winded way of saying: Brian Byrd drove his Jeep down Arizona Highway 64 (Should name it something), with the top down. Home life sucked, and this time of night he could be all alone under the stars, miles from civilization--just the way he liked it. If only he could be amongst them...
Good points: 1) You have established the protagonist. 2) You have established the setting. 3) You have established a little bit of his character. 4) The voice, with the case of adjective- adverbitis cleaned up, is nice. It's well imagined, but I'd rather see what's in Brian's head than what size bumps the silhouettes of the surrounding cacti display.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 16, 2007).]
posted
All around him the rigid, slightly bulbous silhouettes of cactus jutted upward like fingers pointing into the star bright sky I felt this was slightly overloaded with modifiers: "rigid, slightly bulbous", "upward", "star bright", and it makes it just a tad hard to parse. What about removing "star-bright"? You establish afterwards that it's a clear night.
Ditto about the "pointing"--the repetition emphasises your metaphor with the fingers, but I think you want the emphasis of that sentence to be on the "heart's desire".
and stared at the small orange disk that was Mars, sighing contentedly I paused for a split second here, thinking that "sighing contentedly" applied to Mars--before working out that it couldn't. You might want to rearrange the sentence a bit--but then again, I quickly realised my mistake, so...
Other than that, it's a pretty solid start. The line about the relationship between Mars and Venus is a great attention-grabber.
I'm up for reading it (provided you don't mind waiting a few days).
posted
I think "She Who Must Be Obeyed" is more common place than you might think. I was at a halloween party last year (yes, the Anna Freud Debacle) and a friend of mine came as a dominatrix, and she wore a tee-shirt that had "She Who Must be Obeyed" on it. Black, of course. When I saw it used in reference to KDW, I just thought she was a little more adventurous than the rest of us. But my impression was that it's a pretty common phrase on the B&D scene. Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Good stuff, hteadx (how does one pronounce that?). Thanks.
BTW, this story is complete at almost exactly 3,000 words. If anyone is interested in doing a general pass over the whole thing, please let me know. I'm just looking for the basics - do you understand, do you believe, do you care.
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