“I said, empty your ****ing pockets,” the youth bared his rotten teeth as he shouted at Matt, “Give me what you’ve got.”
The boy’s face was the shade of blue of a jalawari addict, and the profuse sweating was a sign of imminent withdrawal.
“I’ve told you already, I have nothing on me – I never carry valuables.” Matt spoke as calmly as possible.
Inwardly he cursed himself for taking the route through the back streets. The flashing red Watcher icon in the corner of his vision had brought with it the usual anxiety and, coupled with his lateness for the meeting, he had thoughtlessly taken the short-cut.
The youth whipped a buzz-knife out of his jacket pocket. The

My take:

quote:

---

“I said, empty your ****ing pockets,” [A simple tag would be nice here. This is a separate statement: T]he youth bared his rotten teeth as he shouted at Matt[.] “Give me what you’ve got.”
The boy’s face was the shade of blue of a jalawari addict, and the profuse sweating was a sign of [imminent withdrawal<--Eh? Do you mean "coming down?"? or "imminent withdrawal[s]"?Because, I can't picture someone undergoing withdrawals functioning that well--now, as for "jonesing" (deperately craving)that's a whole different picture.].
“I’ve told you already, I have nothing on me – I never carry valuables.” Matt spoke as calmly as possible.
Inwardly[,] he cursed himself for taking the route through the back streets. The flashing red Watcher [I]con in the corner of his vision had brought with it the usual anxiety and, coupled with his lateness for the meeting, he had thoughtlessly taken the short-cut.
The youth whipped a buzz-knife out of his jacket pocket. The blade, and the diamond-dusted chain around its edge, shone in the early evening light.

---

Overall, this is pretty good. It has a hook; a definitive sci-fi/space opera element; rich detail. I would probably turn the page, but it could be cleaner.

A couple of things:

1) Adverbs:
"Inwardly, he cursed himself..." The adverb "inwardly" is not only unnecessary, it's redundant.
In: "Matt spoke as calmly as possible", the adverb "calmly" is not the problem, it could be simplified to "Matt spoke calmly" or "Matt's voice was calm".
In: "he had thoughtlessly taken the short-cut..." is a contradiction of the rest of the sentence and this part.

2) What is the Watcher Icon? I stumbled on this. Is it flashing on a building, in the corner of his glasses, is it projected from within? And why did it bring anxiety? Is there some kind of punishment administered by Big Brother for tardiness? He knows, we should.

3) You could give us a deeper look into the Matt's character. Instead of telling us how he feels with quick adverbs, you could make him real by showing us how he struggles to remain calm (from rage? from fear?). I need more then "anxiety", because it's such an ambiguous term. Don't be so vague. What form of anxiety (symptoms) does he feel?

I hope this helps.

By imminent withdrawal, I mean that the boy will begin to withdraw from the substance soon, he is not actually experiencing anything apart from sweating at this stage -- although the knowledge it will soon begin is the force driving this street robbery.

I am a psychiatric nurse and work in a substance misuse clinic. Withdrawal from heroin, for example, may begin six to eight hours after the last administration, but will peak about 48-72 hours later. It leaves a lot of time to get desperate and act irrationally.

The 'watcher icon' is part of the quite complicated premise of this story. To avoid expository dumps, I drip feed it into the story, when I can. The icon is displayed in his vision via an implant. This part of the story quickly develops into a fight and so needs to move fast. Further detail is conveyed regarding the icon and the implant, and the role of the icon in his life and the world, after the fight.

I assumed that the Watcher Icon was integral to the story, but it isn't clear what it is in this part--not as a whole. As for the pace leading into a fight, this slows it down without explaining, so do you need it in the first thirteen? Maybe something like: Matt watched the addict go into a crouch. The Watcher Icon blinked in his field of vision, and Matt wished he could switch the implant off... or something would help.

You are a psychiatric nurse, but is Matt? I like the detail, but I wouldn't think a mugger was an addict and about to go into "imminent withdrawal" just from sweat. It would take a lot more. Profuse sweat could be a symtpom of a heart attack, diabetes, drunkeness, nerves, and a plethora of other causes.

Either way, I said that I'd be interested enough to turn the page, so if you want a critique on the whole, shoot it to my email.

I used the word... the software they use on this site did the asterisking!

IAB -- I can let you have more from the beginning if you wish, but the last 4000 words needs some major polishing. The first bit probably needs some...but you can have some of it if you wish.

This clause "The boy’s face was the shade of blue of a jalawari addict" struck me as a little awkward, and I think it could be tightened a little to read "The boy's face was the blue shade of a jalawari addict". You may also consider an additional adjective to modify "blue shade" so your readers don't take it too literally and think they have a member of blue man group holding up Matt, unless the effects are that dramatic. "Faint" is the one I would choose.

I agree with the others that unless Matt is in the medical field, he wouldn't recognize the signs of imminent withdrawal. However, Matt could NOTICE some of the symptoms (the sweats, the nervousness, the fidgeting) and WONDER if the guy was going into withdrawal. Then the reader would know, or at least suspect (and if the street tough is a throwaway character, does it matter?) that he's headed for withdrawal.

I didn't like the end of Matt's dialog. The "I never carry valuables" part just strikes me as contrived, even if he's calm.

The jalawari addict is meant to have blue skin from Jalawari use. It's meant to be an obvious sign of drug use (and I mean blue). I guess I thought that the blue face, the street robbery and the sweating would lead the POV character to believe (...was sign of...) that guy was going to begin withdrawal (proper) imminently.

I think the paragraph needs cleaning up, as so many seem to have stumbled here.

The story is in a time when most people don't carry valuables. They have implants (so no watches, mobile phones etc) and no money or credit cards. If you are poor you may have to carry some valuables with you.

Matt is calm because he is highly trained muscle -- just annoyed at the delay this causes him. If anyone wants the next 2500 words of this story I can send them out. The actual story is about 8500 words long but the last bit is not yet in its 'final evolution'.

I would still recommend reordering the blue face setence to tighten it. Obviously I wouldn't call the blue "faint" given what you've said, but the wording is awkward as it stands.

You may also consider having matt "recognize" the signs of withdrawal, rather than just omnisciently referring to them as signs of withdrawal.

On valuables, I don't have any problems with someone not carrying them, it was just someone speaking the words "I never carry valuables" that struck me as off. "I never carry cash", sure. But who says "valuables" in that situation? Regardless, I'm the only one to pick that nit, so its probably no big deal.