posted
The rain pelted mercilessly as the colonial merchant huddled over the newspaper vending machine, water pouring in a stream from his tricorn. April 23, 1976. The wrong year. His destination had been Philadelphia, but in 1774, not just a year before his own birth. That he had shifted back this far was amazing, but... A passing car shot a volley of water at Ed's knee-caps. This wouldn't do at all. He had already attracted some attention, but these people would rather get out of the rain than stare at some eccentric history buff. Time to get back. Ed pulled out the palmed-sized Amplifier, focused, switched it on...and was startled by the girl's shriek as a young couple
*********************************** This is my first post - sci-fi story completed at 8300 words.
I am looking for a critiques/responses to the first 13.
I am looking for readers for the entire story. I am going through clean-up now, and will be ready to email to those interested in 1 week (@ November 4th).
posted
I don't see a major hook before the last line , just a time traveling guy. I am a bit interested in why he wants Philly 1774 and why things went wrong. Ed is impressed that he traveled at all, so this isn't mundane to him. That's good. And I do want to see how that sentence ends.
I have no major complaints about technique, just two very minor ones: I find the isolated date a little jarring, and am not too fond of mercilessly (in "rain pelted mercilessly").
Hook on the last line is a hook, though. I'll read if you send it to me when you're done. (I have finish that sentence).
posted
Hmm, I'm vaguely interested in someone going back to Philly in 1774, but I'm not hooked yet, because it's hard to understand.
The 'wrong year' comment tells us that the colonial merchant is a time traveller. Trouble is, we don't know if he's a real colonial merchant who travelled forwards to 1976 or someone who has travelled back from 1976's future, until a little later - not much later, but enough to make me re-read it to be sure I got it right.
Surely, if he was aiming for 1774 and hit 1976, he would not need a newspaper to know it was the wrong year?
"Time to get back." Back to 1774, or back to the year from whence he came in order to try again?
I think it would be better to introduce Ed's name in the first sentence and feed in his colonial merchant costume later, somehow.
"A passing car shot a volley of water at Ed's knee-caps." That's awfully accurate aim for a car. I think 'at Ed's legs' would be more realistic.
"Ed pulled out the palmed-sized Amplifier, focused, switched it on ..." I assume he's focusing the Amplifier, but how, if it's not switched on yet?
Edited to add: Is the title intended to be 'Passed Life' or should it be 'Past Life'?
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited October 28, 2007).]
posted
I'll try not to restate earlier comments. There is some confusion about the "colonial merchant." I suppose he's an antique dealer in costume (tricorn), but you've made me work too hard to reach that conclusion. If that's the case, I suggest clearing it up, because that would be the interesting bit. He is also a history buff, which is not inconsistent with being an antique dealer. He could bury some nice artifacts and dig them up when he returns back home-time.
You got volleyed by the water volley, but if you keep it, why give it such prominence with it its own paragraph? Combine it with the paragraph following it.
...and was startled by the girl's shriek as a young couple . . . .
There's no antecedent for "the girl," unless the rest of the sentence somehow clarifies that. If not, she is "a girl."
"Amplifier" is a bit boring for a time-travel device, if that is what it is.
This is not a first-13 comment, but I'm having difficulty with the notion of "amplifying" time.
posted
Thanx for all the comments. I think I will be reworking the first 13 to see if I can create a better hook and tempt some readers. This story has been in my mind for a LONG time - but that won't make it interesting to anyone else. Back to the drawing board.
TaleSpinner - the title is intended to be both 'Passed Life' and 'Past Life'. I like to play with words and leave multiple meanings open, particularly in titles. I chose to spell it as the less common 'Passed Life' so I could get the double entendre (no one would have thought twice if I had titled it 'Past Life').
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