Bury me up top the hill on the east side of the fuel station, that way, I can keep on eye on you. It’s all yours you two. Kyle, you take care of your mother.
A loving father and Husband, Mike P. Taylor
P.S. Tell that dirty, dangy, dog, Darrell that I didn’t forget about those ten bucks he owes me.
That was his final will. Yeah, my father was never a man of words, but whenever he spoke, those short sentences had been filled with enough wisdom to make Confuscious jealous, and to me, worth more than gold. He always did have more common sense than social sense. I loved the man. So much, I was willing to hike three miles up a steep hill, carrying his casket, trying THat's about it. Tell me what you think.
[This message has been edited by TheHumble1 (edited November 11, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 11, 2007).]
posted
I like the writing. I would read on because of that, but I have no sense of where the story is going. Where is the conflict? His father has died -- but the guy isn't too cut up about it -- besides, he has buried him, so end of story. In fact, it kind of felt that way -- like a piece of micro-fiction. It's got a beginning, middle and end. I feel like you have completed your contract with me -- but I shouldn't. There is nothing outstanding I feel I need to know. No hook -- apart from it's nicely written with a good voice.
>So much, I was willing to hike three miles up a steep hill, carrying his casket, trying my best not to stumble over rocks and small crevices while a cold autumn drizzle fell from the heavens, making the grass slick.
Too many commas. You could break this sentence up a bit.
posted
I find it very good. The word flow is eloquent and you are creative using your words. The one thing that confuses me is the use of the word 'casket'. I believe that is the same as coffin, is it not? For a single man to carry a full casket which can weigh to 100 kilos that's remarkable - unless that's precisely your point.
... I was willing to hike... That sounds to me as he is already walking it so maybe an urn would be better. Use 'would be' instead of 'was' and that becomes an act in theory, meaning he loved his father so much he was ready to do even the impossible.
posted
How many people are going to be involved in carrying the casket? It's perfectly possible if there are a number; at my brother-in-law's funeral, the mourners refused to let the body be taken in a van, and insisted on carrying it three miles to the cemetary, in shifts.
Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
(Btw, there's a separate forum for short story fragments--technically this is the novel fragments section).
The voice of the character is clear and so far the prose is good. I'm not so hooked by the situation, though. i'm glad he likes his father and all, but that in itself, and the father's purported pithy parlance (sorry) is not enough to keep me interested.
Part of what would prevent me from reading are the assumptions I've already made about the piece: It feels like a character piece, about a man dealing with his father's death. I'm anticipating at some point he's going to uncover a mystery about his father that he has to solve.
Obviously, i have no idea what your actual story line is. But I told you what I was expecting so you'd have an idea of what sort of story I think you're setting up in these lines, and why it doesn't interest me. My suggestion is if you threw in something that broke this expectation, or to suggest more of the uniqueness of your story, you might have a better hook. To catch me, anyway.
quote:...trying my best not to stumble over rocks and small crevices...
I guess I'm the only one, but I'm having trouble figuring out what a small crevice is in the sense of something one stumbles over rather than is tripped by or falls into.
I don't have a clue what the rest of the story is about, but your writing is good, and I'd probably read on a bit more just to find out.
posted
I enjoyed your writing style and specific imagery.
I did wonder, if the angels were so saddened by the passing of this good man, why he is so petty as to put a ten-dollar debt in his will. Unless he's living in a time where ten dollars is a lot of money, and if so, I'd want to see a few other period clues.
Oh, and I'm unsure, from the opening, whether the story is going to be about the son, or about the father in some version of a flashback.
posted
I'm moving this topic to the Fragments and Feedback for Short Stories, so while it appears to be closed here, it is open in that part of the Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
posted
I agree with the previous posts about the lack of hook. It just doesn't seem like the story can go anywhere else than what you've already written. Is the rest of the story going to be about a hike? A flashback of his father? If so, what are we going to see then that will tell us something about what is happening with the son now?
I do, however, enjoy how the story is written and for that, though there doesn't seem to be much of a conflict, I would read on.
I can see where maybe the P.S. in the will could perhaps be an inside joke between him and a man named Darrell, which would take away from the pettyness of the statement that mitchellworks pointed out. I do feel like the adjectives in that sentence made it a little too congested.
"...dirty, dangy, dog, Darrell..."
They all start with "d" and I think it makes it a little hard to read through fluidly. Try getting rid of "dirty" or "dangy" or changing Darrell's name to something beginning with a different letter.
I'm also bothered by the man carrying an entire casket three miles by himself. Sure, that would prove his love and willingness to do anything for his father, but it seems a little farfetched. (Forgive my sarcasm)
-CrazyDude
[This message has been edited by CrazyDude (edited November 11, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by CrazyDude (edited November 11, 2007).]
posted
I'm still struggling with the concept of "the hook", so although this apparently lacked one for some, I found this interesting. A couple of points can use some grammar clean-up, but those have been addressed. I'd continue to read at least a few more pages.
quote:Bury me up top the hill on the east side of the fuel station, that way, I can keep an eye on you. It’s all yours you two. Kyle, you take care of your mother.
A loving father and Husband, Mike P. Taylor
P.S. Tell that dirty, dangy, dog, Darrell that I didn’t forget about those ten bucks he owes me. <--didn't work for me with the "dirty, dangy, dog"
That was his final will. Yeah, my father was never a man of words, but whenever he spoke, those short sentences had been <--perhaps "...but whenever he spoke, his short sentences werefilled with enough wisdom to make Confuscious jealous, and to me, worth more than gold. He always did have more common sense than social sense. I loved the man. So much, I was willing to hike three miles up a steep hill, carrying his casket, trying THat's about it. Tell me what you think.
If you wanted to write a horror story and you needed a hook, you could add "I never thought he'd come back." (kidding - Pet Cematary crept into my mind for some reason) :-)
[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited November 12, 2007).]
posted
Not a horror, and no, the death of the father is apart from the story. It just seemed like a good starting point: Every ending has a beginning and all that. Sort of the main plot of the story. It's a sci-fi, and the kid, (who is actully 37 years old, but has the body of a 12 year old, thanks to good old fashion cloning technology,) has the help of others carrying the casket. It's all explained in the next paragaph of the story. Thanks for the grammar corrections. I suck at grammar, but i'm taking a class on it next year. (thumbs up)! Now if i can only get my grade up in Eng. Lit.
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posted
It seems like the story is going a very different place than suggested by the first paragraphs. You may have lost potential readers, and may have mislead other readers by not at least suggesting some of it. I think much of that info would make a good hook if you could tease it into the opening section.
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posted
I assumed that he was part of a group carrying the casket, while other readers thought he was alone. As a writer, does that indicate that everything has to be spelled out?
Posts: 70 | Registered: Aug 2007
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quote:As a writer, does that indicate that everything has to be spelled out?
To spell everything out would seriously bog down the story, IMO. Rather, part of the task of a writer is balancing reader's expectations and deciding what should be spelled out. But you will never be able to satisfy everyone. This is a case in point. I, too, assumed there would be others carrying the casket. It appears that some thought the narrator was going to do it alone. I suppose it could be clarified with a short phrase.
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(Forgive my sarcasm)
