posted
Rejections from F&SF come amazingly fast. I know Gordon Van Gelder read the story because he was nice enough to correct my spelling! (sheer, peeled) "Small Changes", which I didn't post here because of sexual content, he rejected with the comment "I'm afraid this inquiry into gender and identity didn't work for me, alas." I've submitted the story to Interzone.
I've been prefacing each new first 13 with info on what is happening to my other stories because I would like to know what is happening to your other stories. If you would rather I stopped, let me know and I will.
The current first 13 is from an older story. I've resisted submitting to simi-pro markets up to now, but since Locus has started to review them, any market reviewed in Locus I'm willing to try. This story has already gone out to Talebones, but I'm still looking for comments and readers. # This is the story of a man who lied to the immortal gods. He was the biggest liar in Rome. His name was Flminius Publius and the only good thing anyone could say about him was that he loved his wife. The air of the insula apartment was thick with the smells of neighbors cooking breakfast: onions, garlic, and frying sausages. It was hot, so the door was open, letting in the sounds of children yelling and running up and down the stairs, of the next-door neighbors engaged in a shouting contest, of the baritone two flights up singing a popular song. The world seemed filled with life, and yet Julia’s life hung by a thread. Flaminius knelt by his wife’s pallet. “You’ll be better soon,” he lied.
posted
Maybe just me, but I never like to see a story start with something like - "Our story begins..." or, as here, "This is the story of a man who lied to the immortal gods." A story is a process of discovery and here you tell us right up front what the story is about. I would be far more interested if I were allowed to "discover" it on my own - through his actions and dialogue that he lied to the gods. It would be far more convincing.
You give us alot of sensory input here - sounds, smells, visuals, but since we are told this - instead of a particular person experiencing this, it has less impact.
The sentence beginning with "It was hot..." could be broken up, as it is it slows down the story. In fact, instead of telling us it was hot - why not a character sweating profusely from the dry heat - or something similar.
Take out the cliches - "...thick with the smell of..." and "...hung by a thread..."
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited November 17, 2007).]
posted
I like that you update us on your stories! I would too, except I haven't submitted anything, and I'm not writing short stories right now.
About your first thirteen, i thought it would be stronger if you just nixed the first paragraph. Everything you tell us, you show us in the following paragraphs much more powerfully.
I thought the second paragraph would be much stronger if the details were more specific to Flaminius, rather than general thoughts about the apartment. Otherwise, it hooked me. It was these lines that did it:
quote: The world seemed filled with life, and yet Julia’s life hung by a thread. Flaminius knelt by his wife’s pallet. “You’ll be better soon,” he lied.
posted
I don't mind the first three sentences that directly address the reader, though I wonder if they wouldn't be more effective right after his lie, at the bottom of this 13. It strikes me that the "The world seemed filled with life" sentence might make a good first line, as well, if you don't want to open directly with description.
Concerning that description and sensory input, I have to respectfully disagree with nitewriter and annepin.
I'm happy with the details not necessarily being tied to the MC right away. For one thing, I'm not attached to him yet, so his sensory experiences at this point are less important to me than a good dose of milieu/scene setting. Furthermore, having him directly note the smell of sausages might come across narratively as too reader-conscious (if that makes sense). He's sitting at the bedside of his ill wife, after all, and even if he does smell them, presenting the smell to the reader through his senses suggests he's consciously aware of it, even while more important things are at hand. That might be a whole different Flaminius. Beyond the wife issue, it's established right above that he's a liar - as a reader, I might be questioning anything he tells me.
Long story short: I like the atmospheric details just as they are - as stated atmospheric details.
And I like that you preface your fragments with updates. :)
I would read on, and I offer myself as a reader with the caveat that my response may be agonizingly delayed.
posted
This is the story of a man who lied to the immortal gods. [I think 'immortal' is redundant - that's a given for gods, right?]
He was the biggest liar in Rome. His name was Flminius Publius and the only good thing anyone could say about him was that he loved his wife.
The air of the insula apartment [I had to look up 'insula' and that's okay, I'm not one who demands stories to be written with words of one syllable. But my dictionary says that 'insula' is a noun, so I think 'apartment' is redundant.]
was thick with the smells of neighbors cooking breakfast: onions, garlic, and frying sausages. It was hot, so the door was open, letting in the sounds of children yelling and running up and down the stairs, of the next-door neighbors engaged in a shouting contest, of the baritone two flights up singing a popular song. [I'd suggest this next sentence might be in a new para to give it more impact. And the previous sentence should, in my opinion, concentrate on noise and movement and delete references to where people are, because that detail slows it down and dilutes the world seeming 'filled with life.']
The world seemed filled with life, and yet Julia’s life hung by a thread. [I like this sentence -- but it has two lives.]
Flaminius knelt by his wife’s pallet. [If in the first sentence it said 'he loved his wife Julia' this could become 'knelt by her pallet' and might read easier.] “You’ll be better soon,” he lied.
Oh, and it's interesting to hear how submissions and rejections go. Do you ever rewrite them as a result of a rejection? (It often seems to me that you send a rejected story straight out to another market without change.)
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited November 18, 2007).]
posted
Insula = apartment block. They were notorious firetraps, and there were attempts to discourage people from cooking in them.
Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
The story is in the genre "tall tales", thus the opening paragraph and omniscient POV.
On revision: I follow Heinlein's advice, even though every other piece of advice by Heinlein I've ever followed has led to disaster and another failed marriage. I only revise if an editor asks me to. I get the impression that a lot of would-be writers spend all their time revising and little time writing. I tried to start a local writer's group, failed. The three people who showed up a the meeting had each written one story, years ago, which was praised by their creative writing teacher, and they had been revising it ever since.
quote:The three people who showed up a the meeting had each written one story, years ago, which was praised by their creative writing teacher, and they had been revising it ever since.
That sounds like bad dream...imagine trying to leave and finding the door locked--you are trapped with them forever.
posted
On revision. I rewrite every story many times, and I take the advice I get here very seriously. My earlier comment on revision was about revision after I've got the story where I want it. I don't think anything is gained by revising a rejected story unless the editor asks to see the story again with a specific change. The next editor will have different tastes.
On the other hand, since I have new stories out at all the markets I know about, fifteen stories in all, I am spending some time revisiting older stories. To my surprise, I can see mistakes in them, so evidently I've learned something. The biggest problem I see in my older stories is trying to cram too much information into a single sentence or paragraph. I'm much more relaxed in my writing now, and don't have to tell the reader absolutely everything I know right this very minute. I think more in terms of scenes and characters, and if I want the reader to know something, I set up a situation, preferably a conflict, in which the information will come out naturally.
posted
I always like to get status-y info-type news from fellow authors. Please continue providing it.
On the first thirteen:
Not much to say on this one other than even with the "tall tale" style, I found myself wishing the last line had been closer to the beginning and that opening lines has been less "Let me tell you a story."
Having said that, I still think I would have read far enough to reach the last line, at which point, I would have intrigued enough to continue reading.
posted
I'm thinking that how following heinlein's advice right into the jaws of a failed marriage (or two) is the real story, Rick. When do we get to read that one?
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