posted
Flash! All the universe's futures in one moment. Or was it a moment? For all Remus knew, those were all happening now, and Remus had but to choose which one his consciousness was to live. But his job now was not to philosophize,but to find the best course of action for the Sector 14 Trade and Bank Organization. Back to work. When sorting through the possible futures, one must picture the outcome. The clearer the outcome in mind, the sooner a favorable match can be found, and Remus was among the best at finding the match.And yet, nothing. Though all futures come into the trained mind instantly, no one can understand more than a few futures at a time, and the very best could only interpret and understand ten futures in a sitting. Those who tried to understand more were sent away, for their own good. ----------------------------------------------------------------
This is the beginning of a story that I might want to turn into a novel, or might want to finish as a short story. This is a first draft, of which I have about 7 more lines of for now. It is nowhere near being done, but I would like any kind of feedback you want to give me.
Thanks!
Edited for spelling
[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited November 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited November 20, 2007).]
posted
There are some typos here (I think they are typoes) that are making it hard for me to understand.
The concept is intriguing though. I like the idea of a time-reader out for hire. If that is what he is. Which is part of the problem--I wasn't sure what he was or who he's working for.
It had an info-feel dump to it, too, because of the references to "one", who must do things a certain way for some reason. I would be more hooked if we had more of him actually doing it, rather than being told how it should and should not be done.
quote: Flash! All the universe's futures in one moment. Or was it a moment? For all Remus knew, those were all happening now, This statement doesn't seem contrary. If it's happening now, isn't it still all in one moment?and remus Remushad but to choose ? "But Remus had to choose"? or "Remus had only to choose"?which one his consciousness was to live.Weird sentence construction. I'm not sure what you mean here. Is he not alive? But his job now "But his job now was not to philosophize"? It didn't seem to me he was philosophizing. was to philosophize,but to find the best course of action for the Sector 14 Trade and Bank Organization. Back to work. When sorting through the possible futures, one must picture the outcome.I'm confused here... how is he experiencing these futures? The clearer the outcome in mind, the sooner a favorible favorable match can be found, and Remus was amoung among the best at finding the match.And yet, nothing. Though al allfutures come into the trained mind instantly, noone no one can understand more than a few futures at a time, and the very best could only read so now he's reading them? On what? 10 Tenfutures in a sitting. Those who tried to understand more were sent away from where?, for their own good.
posted
This reads as if you were trying to get the entire story into the first paragraph. You need a character, a setting, and something that happens.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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TheOnceandFutureMe
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posted
This isn't working for me. I don't know what you mean by "Flash!" And when I see a an exclamation point in narration, it really throws me off. After that I've just got a narrator talking to me about his character. I say stop telling me about your character, and start showing me your character acting - then we'll have something we can work with.
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posted
Thanks for the comments. It does need to be reworded in places for clarity. The part about the philosophizing needs to be in there though. He was philosophizing about the possibility of changing where his consciousness is located. I'll make that clearer in my next draft.
Rick Norwood, I don't understand what you mean by trying to get the entire story into the first paragraph. If you mean it's an infodump, I can change that. If you mean not describing the setting, that was coming later.
I need to ask how the pov is. I might change it to first person, but I'm not sure.
[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited November 20, 2007).]
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