Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Beautiful Creatures, [Sci-Fi-WIP]

   
Author Topic: Beautiful Creatures, [Sci-Fi-WIP]
CrazyDude
New Member
Member # 6811

 - posted      Profile for CrazyDude   Email CrazyDude         Edit/Delete Post 
“Beautiful creatures, aren’t they?” Dr. Bennett asked, beaming with pride.

Beautiful was not the word Dan would have chosen to describe the scene before him. Vile or disgusting perhaps, but not beautiful.

The monkeys behind the reinforced bars and bulletproof glass bore little if any resemblance to the creations they once were. Flaps of skin were either torn or missing, holes in the flesh filled in by machinery and wires. Robotic limbs with exposed steel bones replaced the old, meaty appendages and some smaller organs such as eyes and ears were now artificial replicas.

They were abominations and yet they were going to save the lives of thousands of people.

----------------

Pretty much all I have for this story is the concept, the ending and these first 13 lines. The only problems I'm having are coming up with a reason why the reader should feel for the characters. Other than that, I'm getting ready to write it all out. I just needed some opinions on the concept.

BTW, I got the idea from InarticulateBabbler's posts about evil robot monkeys, so all credit goes to him. I hope he enjoys it when it's finished.

-CrazyDude


Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Igwiz
Member
Member # 6867

 - posted      Profile for Igwiz   Email Igwiz         Edit/Delete Post 
Overall concept: I'm hooked. In fact, I feel that this is a very strong hook. You present several levels of conflict within this first 13 lines. Conflict between the Dan and Dr. Bennet. Conflict between existing situation (evil robot monkeys) and the norms of nature. Plus, the promised contract that these things will either be ugly but beneficial, or it could all go very very wrong. Nicely done.

Writing: Generally, I would like to see the language tighter, especially in the descriptive paragraph three.

I would certainly read more.

Thane


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
InarticulateBabbler
Member
Member # 4849

 - posted      Profile for InarticulateBabbler   Email InarticulateBabbler         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi CrazyDude. I'm glad you were inspired by some of my earlier posts. However, I cannot take credit for the Evil Robot Monkeys (ERMs). They were a tool used to ambiguously describe the lack of a story element long before I got here. kings_falcon and I began using them at nearly the same time. I first saw them mentioned by wbriggs and found them likeable tools. But (and I could be mistaken) their origin is with Beth Wodzinsky. She is a co-contributer to a blog with that name here, and has at least one short story with it in the title. (Just setting the record straight.)

Your title made me think of James Rymon's art book of the same name. Now there's some inspiration! See?

You should finish the story, before worrying about what anyone thinks of the beginning. That said...

My take:

quote:

“Beautiful creatures, aren’t they?” Dr. Bennett asked[,<--I suggest that you end this tag with a period, so that you can describe the doctor's gender with: He] beam[ed] with pride.
Beautiful was not the word Dan would have chosen to describe the scene before him. Vile or disgusting perhaps, but not beautiful.[Nice.]

The monkeys behind the reinforced bars and bulletproof glass bore little if any resemblance to the [creations<--creatures?] they once were.<--I think you were trying to get too much information into one sentence here.] Flaps of [their] skin were either torn or missing, [the holes in Their] flesh filled [in by<--With?] machinery and wires. Robotic limbs [with exposed steel bones<--Not sure if you need this. The word "bones" made me pause. Why make steel bones in a robotic arm? Why expose the bones?] replaced the old, meaty appendages and some smaller organs[,] such as eyes and ears[,] were now [artificial<--Choose one-->replicas].

They[This is used twice in this sentence. I suggest you say "The monkeys".] were abominations and yet they were going to save the lives of thousands of people.[Pov?]


We're going to like Dan if he takes a stand against what's happening. We'll have some sympathy for Dr. Bennett is he/she explains what goal he/she had in mind (but convincingly, that's the tough part). Keep in mind, Victor Frankenstein had a noble cause in mind when he created the monster.

I think the last part is contrived for the hook. I'd read on without it. Tell me more about how Dr. Benette was driven to madness, or why Dan is there (what is his part?).

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 21, 2007).]


Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kings_falcon
Member
Member # 3261

 - posted      Profile for kings_falcon   Email kings_falcon         Edit/Delete Post 
Ah yes, the good old ERMs. I got them from Wbriggs. I'm interested just because it's a story with ERMs. So, write it.

I might toggle back on the physical description for a second or put the "They were abominations and yet . . . " right after the "but not beautiful."

Right now you've hooked me. I'd give you a bit of time to make me care about Dan, who seems to be your POV.


Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rick Norwood
Member
Member # 5604

 - posted      Profile for Rick Norwood   Email Rick Norwood         Edit/Delete Post 
It is a strong opening, except for the last two words, which are weak and should be omitted. End the sentence "...save the lives of thousands."

It sounds to me like your plot is a "man who learns better" plot. Maybe both men learn something. In this sort of story (the classic example is Heinlein's Logic of Empire) it is important that your characters be strong and not give up their beliefs easily. One way to go with the plot is to have someone they care about suffer because of their beliefs.


Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JFLewis
Member
Member # 6957

 - posted      Profile for JFLewis   Email JFLewis         Edit/Delete Post 
I would keep reading. Successful hook.

I often have problems with stories that open onto a naked line of dailogue, but it works here.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
supraturtle
Member
Member # 1518

 - posted      Profile for supraturtle   Email supraturtle         Edit/Delete Post 
I see a great morality play forming here.
Not to mention an awesome chance to toss some gore around.
I'm hooked.
I'd love to read more...

[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited November 23, 2007).]


Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NathanClark
Member
Member # 3149

 - posted      Profile for NathanClark   Email NathanClark         Edit/Delete Post 
Very interested; cyborg primates == fun!

I agree with InarticulateBabbler's articulate babbling concerning the POV in the last sentence; how does the POV character know they're going to save people (unless he's prescient, which I think would be considered a "vital" piece of information that the reader should have already known). Easy fix: "...and yet [Dr. Bennett claimed] they were going to..."
Which would have to be followed very quickly (if not immediately) with exactly why the doctor believes this, or at least the reason I'm not being told right now.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2